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Date Posted: 14:50:31 09/03/01 Mon
Author: Mike Hancock
Subject: Kerrang Review of Cotteridge Park Festival

Hello there all you music fans!!!!!!
As a Kerrang reviewer, I was appointed to write an article on the cotteridge park festival as we have expanded one of our head quarters to Birmingham. I would firstly like to congratulate all the bands on a top performance, including Lunarburn, Watermuff, and The Monkey Because Mary Jean and of course Betsy. But mostly I would like to thank Shocked Elevator for producing the biggest comedy act I have ever seen. How they even had the confidence to go up and perform I have no idea. Firstly the lead singer who looked like a fat little penguin in sunglasses who masked himself behind and American accent was hilarious. His excuse for vocals were vomit worthy and his pathetic attempts to leour kiddies to the front (hence 'kiddies') because they were to naive to see through his transparent personality, were gut rotting. I knew he wasn't American because penguins don't live in America unless they are in captivity. Save the penguins my ass. I hope he gets caught up in a drift net one day and gets eaten alive by carnivorous goldfish. He was the most annoying lead vocalist I have ever seen. His voice sounded like a tape film being pulled through a mixing desk at high speed. He was like some fat dumpling of a penguin at a sea circus in Disney land. I wanted to throw the sonuvabitch a fish after every song.
As for the Bassist, well I don't know who he thinks he is, but was he trying to mount himself on some sort of throne when he climbed on to the amp? he looked like some poncey public school boy who thinks he's a thousand times better than everyone else. He just stood there with this horrible posture. He was the most arrogant guy I've seen in a long time apart form the penguin dude but that's not suprising.
I didn't see much of the drummer because the penguin was too much in the way, but I'm convinced he would be as annoying as the others. I think there was another guy but again, the penguin was waddling around so I couldn't see a fucking thing.
So thankyou to all the bands who played, I had a great day. Oh and penguin........ I hear there's a job going at the sea life centre.

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