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Date Posted: 15:16:46 09/22/05 Thu
Author: Caro
Subject: another one, Aljo?
This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.
Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor; she was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out. The years went by and he continued to rip them out!
Then one Christmas morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts. A malicious thought came to her.
She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting, which was followed by a blood curdling scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.
The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.
About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his bloodstained underpants with a look of horror on his face.
She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right."
"All these years you have warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife. "well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in."
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oooooooooooh this one is sure to get you "the look"!! -- Caro, 13:33:04 09/23/05 Fri [1]
Farmer Jake had a nagging wife who made his life miserable. The only real peace that he got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day when he was out in the field, Jake's wife brought his lunch to him.
Then she stayed while he quietly ate and berated him with a constant stream of nagging and complaining. Suddenly, Jake's old mule kicked up his back legs, striking the wife in the head, and killing her instantly.
At the wake, Jake's minister noticed that when the women offered sympathy to Jake he would nod his head up and down. But when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.
When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, the minister approached Jake and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side to all the men?"
"Well," Jake replied, "The women all said how nice she looked, and her dress was so pretty, so I agreed by nodding my head up and down. The men all asked, "Is that mule for sale!?"....
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nevermind the two above.. this one is the worse! -- Caro, 13:37:52 09/23/05 Fri [1]
Four animals a Snake, a rooster, a Cat and a Centipede, all heavy smokers, were playing cards together. When the cigarettes run out, the snake, the big brother, said, "rooster, go out and get some packs! You know, I have NO legs." "But why me?" said the rooster, "I have only TWO legs!" So, the task fell on Centipede with no doubt. Centipede said nothing and left the room.
The left three waited and waited, but Centipede did not show up. One hour later, they couldn't wait anymore. "What's the devil Centipede doing?" Snake said impatiently, "Cat, go out and take a look!"
When Cat gets to the door, he got frightened. Centipede was SITTING there!!!! So the angry Cat said, "What are you doing here?"
"Can't you see? I'm putting on my shoes,” said Centipede.
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funnnnnnnyyyyyyy! -- Caro ~ can you tell I'm bored yet?, 13:54:31 09/23/05 Fri [1]
A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the
bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to
her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for
a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No,
I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at
them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and
he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes.
She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see,
I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond
to embarrassing situations."
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean
$200?"
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last one... erm.. maybe.. lol -- Caro ~ still bored as heck..., 14:06:26 09/23/05 Fri [1]
One day a frog walked into a bank and asked to see the loan officer. The teller directed him to a woman named Patricia Whack. The frog went into her office, hopped up on her desk and said, "how do you do, Ms. Whack? My name is Kermit Jagger and I'd like to borrow $20,000 to go on holiday."
Patricia said, "wha . . . huh?????"
"But it's okay," the frog continued. "My father is Mick Jagger and I know your bank president personally."
Patricia pulled herself together a bit, shuffled some papers around and said, "um, well, uh, we'd need some collateral . . ."
"Certainly," the frog said. "Here you are." He handed her a miniature porcelaine elephant the size of a thimble.
Patricia said, "ohhhh-KAY! I'm just going to have to talk to the bank president about this first."
"Of course," the frog said easily.
Patricia backed out of her office and scurried down the hall to the bank president's office. "Sir," she said, "you won't believe this! There's a frog in my office and he says he knows you and his name is Kermit Jagger and Mick Jagger's his father and he wants to borrow $20,000 to go on holiday and this is what he gave me for collateral! Would you look at this? I mean, what is this, anyway???"
The bank president sighed and shook his head and said,
"It's a knick-knack, Patty Whack! Give the frog a loan! His old man's a Rolling Stone!"
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Hee hee -- Femok, 14:12:55 09/23/05 Fri [1]
that's my fave.
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