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Date Posted: 20:54:24 01/07/02 Mon
Author: DIRTY SANCHEZ
Subject: Rules for men

TRIPP read number 30 At least 20 times then repeat.

1. Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be
legally killed and eaten by his fellow partygoers.

2. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

3. It is OK for a man to cry under the following circumstances:
a. When a heroic dog dies to save it's master
b. The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse
c. After wrecking your boss' Ferrari
d. One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into The Crying Game
e. When your Date is using her teeth

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a
friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend move:
a. Your legs have been severed in a freak threshing machine
accident.

6. Acceptable excuse for not helping a friend of a friend move:
a. You'd rather stay home and watch swamp buggy reruns.

7. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is
off limits forever, unless you actually marry her.

8. The minimum amount of time you have to wait for a guy who's
running late is 5 minutes. Maximum waiting time: 6 minutes. For
a girl, you have to wait 10 minutes for every point of hotness
she scores on the classic 1-10 scale.

9. Bitching about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is
forbidden. Gripe at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

10. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for
another man (in fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is
strictly optional).

11. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops,
not the weakest.

12. While your girlfriend must bond with your buddies'
girlfriends within 30 minutes of meeting them, you are not
required to make nice with her gal pals' significant dick-heads--
- low level sports bonding is all the law requires (sorry
ladies, it's called a double standard because it's twice as
true).

13. Unless you have signed a lucrative endorsement contract, do
not appear in public wearing more than one swoosh.

14. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event,
you may always ask the score of the game in progress, but you
may never ask who's playing.

15. You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have
brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for
the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your
girlfriend.

16. It is permissible to quaff a fruity chick drink only when
you're sunning on a tropical beach....and it's delivered by a
topless supermodel...and it's free.

17. Only in situations of Moral peril are you allowed to kick
another guy in the nuts.

18. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

19. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.

20. If a man's zipper is down, that's his problem---you didn't
see nothin'.

21. Women who claim the "love to watch sports" must be treated
as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the
ability to pick a buffalo wing clean.

22. You must offer heartfelt and public condolences over the
death of a girlfriend's Booda, even if it was you who secretly
set it on fire and threw it into a ceiling fan.

23. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman
must remain sober enough to fight.

24. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice
of pizza, but not both. That's just plain mean.

25. If you complement a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be
talking about his choice of beer.

26. Never join your girlfriend or wife in dissing a buddy of
yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.

27. Phrases that may not be uttered to another man while lifting
weights:
a. Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b. C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c. Another set and we can hit the showers!
d. Nice Ass, Are you a Sagittarius?

28. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal
footing: both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all
other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the
conversation you need

29. Never allow a conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the
phone; Hang up if necessary.

30. When a buddy is trying to hook up, you may sabotage him only
in a manner that gives you no chance of getting laid either.

31. You cannot rat out a coworker who shows up at work with a
massive hangover. You may however, hide the aspirin, smear his
chair with limburger cheese, turn the brightness dial all the
way down so he thinks his monitor is broken, and have him paged
over the loudspeaker every seven minutes.

32. The morning after you and a babe who was formerly "just a
friend" have carnal drunken monkey sex, the fact that your
feeling weird and guilty is no reason not to nail her again
before the discussion about what a big mistake it was.

33. Always split aces and eights. No arguments!

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