| Subject: . . . . . . b r o k e n . . . . . . |
Author:
.yammis.
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Date Posted: 11:57:59 10/18/01 Thu
yeah. so i cracked yesterday. i thought i was getting over this whole mess and self mutilation/depression thing, but last night was the worst. seriously. i shouldn't have been behind the wheel. i should've stayed home from school. but it's my parents; of course if i'm sick they're not gonna let me stay home from school, why on earth would anyone do that? gotta love how they make sense. if i can dig up tickets i'm going to the Tool concert tonight, try to clear my mind. yesterday on the way home from school, the most aweful day, i was blasting the music, veering around corners on the dirt road near my home, the Geep fishtailing all over the place... i was shaking that hard. i could barely keep control. i was going about 55 in a 25 mph zone. so many trees to choose from. there was a curve, and my hands gripped tighter on the wheel, and there was a tree right there in front of me, and for a moment i just kept heading for it, my forehead beaded with sweat, heart pounding with exitement. but then i didn't hit it. i just kept driving on. do you know how much willpower it takes to just be like "just keep driving straight, keep driving straight, straight straight straight straight straight" all the way home, so you don't slam your car into a wall on purpose, wrap the metal body of your jeep around a tree? a hell of a lot. i wanted to do it SO BAD... SO BAD...... i'm addicted to burning now, i do it every day, most of the time without even thinking about it. i'm an absent-minded pain-releaser.. it barely even gives me pleasure anymore. but i'm addicted, seriously. i can't stop. but if it doesn't help me anymore, then what other way am i supposed to rid myself of this pain? when i wanted to ram Geep into a tree, i didn't want to kill myself. that's cowardly. i'm running away from my problems, but i'm not THAT bad yet. i just wanted to bang myself up a little, find a new way to hurt, have some wayward piece of metal impale me in the stomach or something. but the reason i didn't do it was because i didn't want to damage my car, i didn't want to drag other things in with me. i just wanted to do it to myself. and not have anyone know. obviously someone would hae known if i would've totalled Geep, so yeah... that's my life for ya. and i thought i was getting better. my god, i really am sick.
so what i'm getting at is that i might not be here very much.... just because. besides, i'm going out of town tomorrow for a long weekend anyway, which should be good for me. if i can keep my damn eyes on the road and off of those inticing walls and trees.
see you laters. i'll be around. maybe.
.yam.
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