Re: Take me -- Poetry Grace and Insanity

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Date Posted: 21:36:25 02/09/00 Wed
Author: Leisa*)
Subject: Re: Take me
In reply to: Chad R. Dobson 's message, "Take me" on 04:32:18 02/02/00 Wed

ok, Chad, i've read this one several times, most times when i was too tired and alas, again, now..still too tired - anyway, in this first ....

"Grey faces
in the
not light"

"NOT" light?
hmmm interesting thought here - or is it sposed to be "hot"?

>
> red facets - i see you used this a lot in this and when i first read it i thought it was "faucet" which i actually like better in this line than facet - just a thought.
> of evil
> alive
>
> In my
> sanguine muscle
> beats to quickly = is this "too" or "to"?
>
> comparable to
> when I get
> angry
>
> and slap
> things up
> around the house
>
> and grey facets - i'd leave out "and"
> in the room
> across the hall
>
> of red faces
> evils
> I recall
>
> Dust sticking
> like shadows
> at noon
> (this is a great simile or is this a simile? i think)

> rust
> flaking like
> skin chips
(this too)

> on clammy feet
>
> madness hibernates
> while I blush
> like fire
>
> Out there (beyond what we see)- i'd leave this "(beyond what we see)" out ot at lease lose the parenthesis - i don't think they're necesarry here. still, i think leaving it out altogether reads better -
> lumbering clumsy
> souls compete
>
> to win
> the facets
> red and grey
>
> to tempt
> the faces
> grey and red
>
> Look inside
> my heart
> just death
>
> valves
> pumping ceased
> blood still
>
> An unwanted target
> here I
> stand
>
> Shivering fetal
> in irons
> forever
>
i would make this:
> My face;
white (leaving out the "is")
> like December

other than that - hey! this is another really good, chilling, makes ya wonder poem.

Leisa*)

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Replies:

Re: Take me -- Chad R. Dobson, 06:12:24 02/10/00 Thu