Re: Take me -- Poetry Grace and Insanity

[ Show ]

Support VoyForums

[ Shrink ]

VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 06:12:24 02/10/00 Thu
Author: Chad R. Dobson
Subject: Re: Take me
In reply to: Leisa*) 's message, "Re: Take me" on 21:36:25 02/09/00 Wed

Welky back Leisa!
Thank you for the suggestions. Okay the "to" is supposed to be "too" :) (i'm bad with that word(s))
I mean "not" not hot. That was just another way to say "dark" Not light= dark get it:)
I use facets alot but faucet would make sense also here, but I think that would displace the effect I'm trying to create in the poem. I am trying to describe the aspects of the confusion from not belonging anywhere while everyone else seems to be living or dying perfectly. Or something like that anyway. I will leave out those ands, (you'd think I'd learn by now) I think leaving out the "Beyond what we may see" will add mystery (or confusion, two words alot alike) to the poem. Anyway gotta go!
Once again you have helped me out:)! Thank ya and welcome back!

Chad
> ok, Chad, i've read this one several times, most times
> when i was too tired and alas, again, now..still too
> tired - anyway, in this first ....
>
> "Grey faces
> in the
> not light"
>
> "NOT" light?
> hmmm interesting thought here - or is it sposed to be
> "hot"?
>
> >
> > red facets - i see you used this a lot in this and
> when i first read it i thought it was "faucet" which i
> actually like better in this line than facet - just a
> thought.
> > of evil
> > alive
> >
> > In my
> > sanguine muscle
> > beats to quickly = is this "too" or "to"?
> >
> > comparable to
> > when I get
> > angry
> >
> > and slap
> > things up
> > around the house
> >
> > and grey facets - i'd leave out "and"
> > in the room
> > across the hall
> >
> > of red faces
> > evils
> > I recall
> >
> > Dust sticking
> > like shadows
> > at noon
> > (this is a great simile or is this a simile? i
> think)
>
> > rust
> > flaking like
> > skin chips
> (this too)
>
> > on clammy feet
> >
> > madness hibernates
> > while I blush
> > like fire
> >
> > Out there (beyond what we see)- i'd leave this
> "(beyond what we see)" out ot at lease lose the
> parenthesis - i don't think they're necesarry here.
> still, i think leaving it out altogether reads better
> -
> > lumbering clumsy
> > souls compete
> >
> > to win
> > the facets
> > red and grey
> >
> > to tempt
> > the faces
> > grey and red
> >
> > Look inside
> > my heart
> > just death
> >
> > valves
> > pumping ceased
> > blood still
> >
> > An unwanted target
> > here I
> > stand
> >
> > Shivering fetal
> > in irons
> > forever
> >
> i would make this:
> > My face;
> white (leaving out the "is")
> > like December
>
> other than that - hey! this is another really good,
> chilling, makes ya wonder poem.
>
> Leisa*)

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]