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Date Posted: 21:38:29 05/19/00 Fri
Author: Leisa
Subject: Re: Charcoal
In reply to: Chad R. Dobson 's message, "Charcoal" on 04:15:27 05/19/00 Fri

Hi Chad,

well i've read it a couple of times now and bear with me, had a root canal earlier today (ouch)
it does seem as though there are some missing lines in this - I am left wondering in between here:

Calm
Was it yesterday
Tragedy

Still
voices remain
>>>this isn't too clear --> drum breaking
i mean from a calm to a drum - makes me wonder what caused the shift.

and here....
> Silent
> Waves lap
> on a rash of flesh -->? a rash of flesh - not sure "rash" works here - maybe it is just the 9 shots of novacaine making me numb in my brain, too though!
>
> Silent waves
> on this red tissue mesh
>
> Still crashes
> from his architect
>
(I like the near rhyme here of "mesh" and "architect")

Calm pulses
pain that is beyond electric

(hmmm - yes, pain - this i would know something about - good line)
please re post the final write of this if you decide to rewrite!!

thanks,

*)

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  • Re: Charcoal -- Dimon, 13:52:24 05/21/00 Sun

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