Heh. Here it is, as promised (threatened?)! Read on, you wacky Z-Files fans! -- Oddfellow's FFVII & Z-Files Discussion Board

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Date Posted: 10:30:26 04/14/02 Sun
Author: Madcat
Author Host/IP: alb-66-66-212-226.nycap.rr.com / 66.66.212.226
Subject: Heh. Here it is, as promised (threatened?)! Read on, you wacky Z-Files fans!

(The Z-Files logo appears briefly, then the screen goes dark, and the voice of an unknown narrator begins to speak. It sounds suspiciously like the guy who does the voice of Goliath in "Gargoyles", who seems to be popping up as narrator for a lot of things these days�..)

Narrator: The Z-Files �.. one of the government's most highly classified secret agencies. An unlikely team of individuals from very different walks of life, brought together to take on enemies ordinary government agents would be to afraid to face �.. or else they just have better things to do and can't be bothered.

The Z-Files teams has faced many formidable foes, from Walt Disney to the McDonald's corporation, and won, albeit a ridiculous cost in both money and property. But little do they know that they are about to encounter a new enemy �.. one the likes of which they have never before faced�..

(The screen fades-in to a view of the south of the White House, and then to the Oval Office itself, where President George W. Bush sits at his desk, looking very dignified. The Presidents eyes flick suddenly around warily. When he is certain there is no one else in the room, he reaches under his desk a presses a button. A painting on the wall slides aside to reveal a large television screen, and from drawer he pulls a PS2 controller�..)

Bush: God, I thought those stupid diplomats would never leave. Don't those people EVER shut up? Now �.. which game do I want the play today?

(suddenly the sound of footsteps is heard outside in the hall, and someone knocks on the door)

Bush (muttering): Damn it! What now? (pushes the button which slides the painting back into place of the screen and quickly hides the controller back in his drawer) Come in.

(A generic-looking government official enters the room)

Official: I have the reports you wanted, Mr. President. The ones to help you decide on which agencies to include in the budget cuts.

Bush: Oh yeah! I'd forgotten I had those to do today. (curses under his breath) Bring them over hear.

Official: Yes, Mr. President.

Bush (starts going through them): Yes, sir�..time to make those budget cuts. Because that's what a President does �.. he makes budget cuts. And I believe in budget cuts. Good, strong budget cuts�..

(continues flipping through them)

Bush: Yep, this ones okay �.. that one too �.. well, I suppose we could trim a little off of this one �.. that one has to go �.. this one here's okay the way it is �.. eh? What the? Sweet Jesus! Look at this one! I can't believe it! It's spending more money that all the others I've looked at so far combined!

Official: Um �. yes, well, that would be the Z-Files, sir. They're one of our top agencies in terms of getting results, but they always incur massive costs, it appears.

Bush: This G-Files agency�..

Official: Er �.. begging your pardon, Mr. President, but it's "Z-Files", not "G-Files."

Bush: I don't care if they're G-Files, Z-Files, G-Spot, F-Troop, or whatever the hell it is ----- they've got to go! If the American people were to find out what these people are costing them, they'd have all our heads!

Official: Well, I'm afraid it's not that simple, sir. You see, the person in charge of this agency, a man that goes by the name of Bingo, has powerful friends in Congress. Also, if you'll think back, you'll probably remember the Walt Disney incident. They DID manage to foil him, you know. And we all know what would have happened had Disney succeeded.

Bush (shudders): I don't want to even think about that. Alright, I won't axe the agency, but there has to be something we can do to reduce the costs!

Official: Well, sir, it just so happens that I've anticipated that you'd feel this way, so I've prepare a proposal that I hope you'll find to be an excellent solution to our little problem.

Bush: Okay, I'm listening�..

==================

(cut to the Z-Files HQ, where the time is hard a work�.on goofing off, as usual. Tashi and Achilles are playing Diablo II, Oddfellow is cleaning his beloved fly-swatters, Judicator is listening to his diskman, Aaron is trying to pick the lock on the snack machine, Arkman and Silver are dozing off, and Madcat is stealing the coffee maker and shoving it into his gym bag while no one is looking)

Aaron: God damn it! Who would have thought that a vending machine company would put such a good look on this? It's a SNACK MACHINE, for crying out loud!

Tashi (looking up): Um�..wouldn't it be easier to just put in the lousy fifty cents for the bag of potato chips instead?

Aaron: Ssssh! I've think I've almost got it �..

(the pick breaks in half in the lock)

Aaron: Ohhhh shit! (throws the other half away in disgust just as the intercom beeps. Silver and Arkman jerk as they are rudely awakened)

Arkman (groggy): Ah, it's so nice to be here with a supermodel like you on a nude beach in France �. eh? (realizes where he is) Oh, damn! I'm HERE. (looks disgusted)

Silver: Alright, who the hell interrupted my beauty sleep?

Voice of Bingo: Attention Z-Files team �.. please assemble at once in Meeting Room 4. There is an urgent crisis facing us that must be addressed immediately.

Archilles: Awwwww�..what does that guy won't THIS time? The nerve of that man! He's always wanting us to actually WORK.

Silver: Hey, I wonder if this is about all those things in the office that keep disappearing. Bingo's been getting upset about that lately.

Oddfellow: Who knows? I mean, we've all swiped something here and there, but someone's really been at it.

Madcat: Probably one of the cleaning people.

Oddfellow: Yeah, probably. By the way, does anyone else besides me find it strange that we're always losing so many office supplies, and yet we don't even have offices? Strange, huh? (walks off toward the meeting room)

Achilles: Hey, wait a minute. Odd doesn't know that we have offices? We got them three months ago.

Aaron: Someone should have told him.

Tashi: I thought you said you were going to tell him back then, Aaron.

Arkman: Yeah, I seem to remember you saying you would too.

Aaron: Um �. well, whoever was supposed to tell him is really immaterial. After all, that was months ago.

Achilles: Should we tell him about the offices now?

(brief pause as everyone mulls things over)

Everyone: Naaaahhh!

Tashi: I wonder though, who IS stealing those office supplies.

Judicator: Beats me. Hey Madcat, something's leaking out of your gym bag.

Madcat: What? Oh! Heh-heh. Silly me. I must have no screwed the cap on my thermos tightly enough. I should really be more careful.

Aaron: Say, where's the coffee maker, anyway?

Madcat: No time to worry about that now. We're late for the meeting!

==================

(cut to the Z-Files HQ's Meeting Room 4 the agents take their seats as the floating head of Bingo appears)

Bingo: Greetings, agents. I'm afraid I have bad news. You, see some has ---- (gets cut off suddenly as the image of his head is replaced by a hologram of a midget wrestling match)

Oddfellow: What the hell?

Tashi (holds up a remote control): Hey, check this thing out, guys! I found it on the floor under the table. (she pressing a button and the hologram changes again �.. this time to a Cheetos commercial)

Announcer: Cheetos �.. the cheese that goes "crunch!"

Everyone: Cool!

Aaron: I hate to spoil the fun, guys, but shouldn't we turn Bingo back on?

Tashi (sighs): Oh, alright! (flips back to Bingo) Party pooper��

Bingo: Eh? What happened?

Aaron: Don't ask us. You just disappeared for a minute. It scared us too. We were all really worried about you. (snickers under his breath)

Bingo: Really? Wow, thanks guys. I didn't know you cared so much. Anyway, as I was telling you before, we have a real crisis on our hands here ----

Madcat (breaks in): I know. These shameless thefts of office supplies must be stopped! We can�t stand for this sort of thing! But never fear, sir �.. I will personally head the investigation into this matter. I'll get to the bottom of this, you can count on that!

Bingo: Ah! Excellent, Agent M! I have every confidence in you. I'll look forward to receiving your report on the matter. But I'm afraid that the thefts of office supplies pale in comparison to what I've called you all here to discuss. You, see the President of the United States is making budget cuts, and -----

Arkman: Alright! Our taxes will be going down!

Achilles: Yeah, I can get that jet-ski I've been wanting now!

Bingo: AHEM! You didn't let me finish. Yes, these budget cuts are being made because taxes are going to be cut, but because of them, several government agencies are going to be eliminated.

Aaron: Oh no. You don't mean �..

Bingo: I'm afraid so. If we don't find a way to cut down on our expense here, you'll all be out of a job.

Madcat: No way �. we're NOT giving up the vending machines in the break room.

Bingo: This goes way beyond vending machines, Madcat. The government is serious about this. So serious, in fact, that they're bringing in someone to take over our budget and accounting �.. an efficiency expert.

Everyone: Gasp!

Silver: Oh no! Aren't those the people that fire people, reduce offices to bare-bones operations, and in general destroy whatever few good things there are about working somewhere.

Bingo: Exactly. Which is why you all must be on your guard. I want everyone here to cooperate full with this man �.. one Bob Perkins, by name. Otherwise, the consequences could be disastrous!

==================

(cut to the Z-Files break room, the very next day. The team is standing around, anxious discussing matters)

Judicator: What on earth are we going to do? If we don't stop this guy, he's not only gonna cut our budget, but he's going to make us actually work too! (shudders)

Silver: I think we should arrange for him to have a little "accident." (grins evilly) Wouldn't it be unfortunate if someone were to cut the break-lines on his car?

Madcat: I say we zap him with a stun gun, then stick him in a shipping crate marked for Zimbabwe. (whips out a stun gun, pushes the button, and admire the pretty crackling arcs or electricity)

Achilles: What if we framed him? Maybe we could plant some pot on him or something.

Madcat: Great idea! Then, we "catch" him with it, we can zap him with a stun gun and take him to the police! (flourishes his stun gun again)

Oddfellow: I've got it! Let's drop an anvil on him.

(dead silence for several moments)

Oddfellow (looks around): What? It works in the old Warner Brothers cartoons!

Aaron: Umm�..Odd, I think that would actually kill him.

Oddfellow: Buy Wylie Coyote has survived hundreds of those things.

Madcat: Wylie Coyote isn't real, Odd.

Oddfellow: He isn't? What about Daffy Duck? And Yosemite Sam?

Madcat (shakes his head): Nope.

Oddfellow: Well, I'll be��

Aaron: I would probably be too hard to find an anvil anyway. There's not to much blacksmithing going on these days.

Tashi: What is we tie him up in a room and force him to listen to Michael Bolton music for hours on end?

Madcat: Ooooh�..that's truly evil, Tashi. I like it!

Tashi: Thanks.

Madcat: And then we zap him with a stun gun!

Silver: Sheesh! What IS it with you and that stupid stun gun, anyway?

Madcat (looks miffed): I just like zapping people with it, that's all.

(Everyone stares at him)

Madcat (glares at them indignantly): Oh, come on! Don't tell me none of you have ever enjoyed zapping people with a stun gun.

(Everyone lowers their eyes guilty, each finding somewhere else to look. A couple cough nervously)

Madcat: Alright then.

Aaron: Okay people, let's just be calm and rational here. We need to think about this carefully.

Achilles: Aarons right. (glances at the door) Hey, here comes someone now!

(A middle-age man in a rather boring suit enters the room. He looks terribly official, and terribly like someone who would be a tightly wound pain in the ass)

Man: Hello, everyone. I'm Bob Perkins, the famous efficiency expert. You've no doubt heard of me.

Oddfellow: No, I don't think so.

Judicator: Not that I can remember.

Silver: Me neither.

Bob: Really? (looks disappointed)

Aaron: Hey, wait a minute! I think I've read about you in the newspaper.

Bob: Ah! (Beams with pride)

Aaron: You were that guy who was indicted on 7 counts of fraud?

Bob: Hey now! Those are were all lies! Besides, those charges were all dropped.

Madcat: Hey, I think I know who you are now. Weren't you the guy that worked for all those internet startup companies that went bankrupt?

Bob: That had nothing to do with me! It was �.. um �. their own fault! Yes, that was it! For not following my advice. I warned them ��

Tashi: Wait. It's all coming back to me! Weren't you involved with Enron somehow?

Bob: Grrrr �.. I can tell I'm going to have my work cut for me here. Alright, first of all, I see several things around here that are unnecessary expenses. First, this big screen TV you have �.. that has to go. A 15 inch black-and-white one will do just fine.

Achilles: Nooooooooo!

Bob: Second, there's no need for you to have a color laser printer here, when an old monochrome dot-matrix print will do the job. Eh? Were is that printer? I know I saw one here just a moment ago!

Madcat (hefts a unusually heavy-seeming backpack onto his shoulder): What printer? Must have been your imagination.

Bob: Oh well. And another thing ---- why is the government paying for you all to have 200 dollar sunglasses? That won't stand. I'm confiscating all your shades, and replacing them with 99 cent ones from a gas station, effective iimediately!

Oddfellow: Gasp! (faints and falls over)

Bob (stalking toward the team menacingly): Yes, I see all kinds of things that can be gotten rid of or replaced with cheaper versions. Everyone hand over your cell phones now! I'm replacing them with Pok�mon walkie-talkies that I got on sale a Wal-Mart!

Tashi (stammering): But�..but�..you can't do that!

Bob: My dear, I can do anything I want! I have the authority of the government behind me on this. Now �.. I've been looking at your work schedules. It seems you all work an average of 2.7 hours a day. From now own, you'll all be working full 8 hour workdays!

Madcat: Oh good God no! (staggers as if he's been hit in the chest)

Bob: And I'm taking stun guns out of the budget entirely!

Madcat: Arrgh! (falls flat on his face)

Aaron (looks at Madcat): Oh my God! Somebody call an ambulance!

Bob (glares evilly and begins slowing and ominously striding towards them): I'll get your pagers, my pretties, and your little PDA's too! Bwa-ha-ha!

==================

Narrator: Has the Z-Files team finally met their match? Will they be able to foil the evil Bob Perkins, or is they're agency done for? How will things come to pass in the exciting (or at maybe just mildly interesting) conclusion? Find out next time in Part 2 of "The Z-Files: Wrath of the Efficiency Expert," coming soon �.. or whenever Madcat gets around to writing it.

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Replies:

Good show, old chap. -- Saint Faucet, 22:55:26 04/14/02 Sun
- Bah! Minor details..... :-) -- Madcat, 15:20:43 04/15/02 Mon