Subject:  Re: Hey girl |
Author:
amy
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Date Posted: Saturday, July 19, 10:23:37pm
In reply to:
Cynthia J. Graan Gaskins
's message, "Re: Hey girl" on Saturday, July 19, 07:33:12pm
I am okay... just dropped a big one into a hornets nest...lol. things here are extremely stressful and tomorrow lucky lucky me will be getting poisoned even more... spraying across the road...
I hope you are well... i added what i wrote if you want to read. I promise to be back this week... just trying to stop stressing.
Hugs and Smiles to you!! Have an awesome weekend.
Amy=)
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Date: Sat, 19 Jul 2003 18:48:16 -0700 (PDT)
From: "A Daugherty" | This is spam | Add to Address Book
Subject: Living in the Hell of Pesticides here in Washington County
To: mclancy@downeast.net, bdnnews@bangordailynews.net, letters@bangordailynews.net, syoung@bangordailynews.net, mudturtle1976ta@yahoo.com, olympia@snowe.senate.gov, governor@maine.gov, pelco@maineline.net, kshorey@prexar.com, vice.president@whitehouse.gov, president@whitehouse.gov, SenMichael.Brennan@legislature.maine.gov, house67@exploremaine.com, SenJohn.Martin@legislature.maine.gov, cleanearth@acadia.net
Living in the Hell of Pesticides here in Washington County
I sit and wonder… what did I do to these companies that spray their field with agent orange aka velpar? What makes them hate so many people? Do they really care about anything other than their wallets? Do they know that once you have sprayed these fields they must wait 450 days before picking the crop? These questions, along with a million more, is what worries me and makes me scream in terror of the pain I already live with…
Day after day I live in this body wondering where did I go? What am I doing here? When will this pain end? She said hoping for relief… yeah well then reality kicks me in the chest… there is no cure and relief is hard to find. Find relief or a cure for what… Fibromyalgia… and then there is Chronic Myofascial Pain Syndrome in my back – lower and upper--, plus neck and arms… you touch my back or arms or anything and I will really have to hurt you… so much pain from a touch, a hug, a kiss, a pat on the back…. You test the trigger points to keep a look out and see if you can’t find a pattern… Really most days all you want is to curl up in a ball and hope the pain stops.
This is about my life and my questions about the chemicals that are in the water… I live less than 1 miles of the Experiment Station in Jonesboro… think any of the chemicals are in my water??? Not to mention every time they spray around us my hair starts falling out even more than it had before the spraying...
Is This Hell?
I sit here, on a Saturday, and wonder what is this… what is this life I lead… is there a spot I can get off… this is unending… this is depressing… this is wrong… this is sad… this is hell….
Asking for help… strains a family… a father that thought he was done raising kids… 27 and living with dad still… family thinking I am faking… faking… Who would fake this Hell!
Second after second, minute after minute, hour after hour, day after day, week after week, month after month, season after season, year after year…. Who would want to live in this Hell!!
What caused this? Velpar in the ground water? 15 years of drinking velpar laced water? Mother drinking while pregnant? Rolling out of a car into the road? Being thrown in a car at 7? Falling onto a rock with head? Falling countless times? Ear problems when young? Falling down stairs hitting head and twisting ankles countless times? Weird illnesses in college? Having to be a mom and not a child? What kind of a person allows another to live in the Hell!!!
November 15th, 2001 it hits worse then ever! How do I make wreaths in this hell... a brace on each hand… 12 tylenol to get through the day…. 6 to 12 more to get to sleep… then a full stop! Hair was falling out in clumps… panic attacks… being alone… depressed about money… not being able to work… missing my friends… isolated… pain getting worse… is there nothing to stop it… all I want is to be normal again…still no clue why hair is falling out… Unending Hell!!!!
January 22nd, 2002… Surgery in right hand for carpal tunnel… Hope! Then, no please no… the pain… oh God please make this end… does it… not yet! Hope… this seems like a foreign word… I have given up on hope… the road is not ending… I am not even at a crossroads… the pain is building more and more… but I have no health insurance… no way to even be able to see someone for the pain… The pits of Hell!!!!!
Self medicating… 6 to 12 tylenol and 6 benadryle to merely fall asleep… 2am - Man I wish I could sleep more… 3 am - oh no… 4am - there is nothing on… 5am - oh please just let me sleep 5 minutes… 6am - I am so utterly tired… exhausted… 7am - just 2 minutes… 8am – I give up! How long can you go without sleep in this state of Hell!!!!!!
December 2002... Finally some help… something is better than nothing… had no money for food… no money for gas… no way to get to class… no way to heat the house… dad moved back in with mom… I finally make the choice to go to the doctor… x-rays… appointments… blood work… nothing but screaming pain my in back, shoulders, arms, neck… two more months of hell and still not sleeping… So when you go to Hell, do you end up staying there… “No Waiting! Welcome to Hell!!!!!!!”
January 2003… Finally they tell me what is wrong… Fibromyalgia… what the hell… What does this mean… will this get better… why to I have to take these meds… why cant they just fix me… is there a fix… is this the end of hell????????
Hell is merely getting warmed up… FM… RLS… IBS… TMJ… CMPS… nerve damage… carpal tunnel getting worse… already carpal tunnel is unfixable… Parkinson’s Disease over head waiting to drop… loosing voice… what is next… so very tired… taking too much of my life… wait I don’t have a life… where did it go… how do I get it back… My life is HELL!!!!!!!!!
A glimmer of life… maybe…maybe not… a group who supports… but we are all in so much pain… so much fight we are using to just keep a float… is this the beginning of the fight or the end… does anyone know… can we win… Hell???????????
Two years… too many unpaid bills… no money… having to borrow money for personal products… food at the end of the month has to be asked for… dad carrying me… so very depressed… I hate I have no way of paying bills… even if I win my case they could only give me a month… even more depressed… Hope or Hell???????????
Hope… hope for some help… hope to live… hope so hard… hope life can turn around… hope for a lot less stress… hope for a relaxing minute… hope for a full nights sleep… Hell… yes hell… but a little tiny – pin sizes hole of HOPE……………….
Is this little hope helping? Who knows! Can the Hope over turn the Hell? I sure hope so. Can we be in less pain? That is the dream. Can something good come from all this? Yes I think… Friends and Family!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
“Mudturtle1976ta” from Maine
I feel degrated, like a burden at times, embarrassed, depressed, hopeless, helpless, like a child,
I feel drained of money, energy, self-worth, self respect.
I feel as though I can't be a good fiance' to my fiance' and inturn I feel as though I won't be a good wife or a good mother when we have children.
"Gia" from New Orleans
FM is the worst thing that has ever happened to me. I am only a year older
than you (she is 28), but I have had FM for 7 years. I have lost jobs due to my
health (migraines, being sick so often, etc.). I am tired all the time. I don't have
the energy to be intimate with my husband except maybe 2 times a week (if he
is lucky!). I have had to work an abbreviated schedule because I can't sit in a
chair for more than a few hours at a time. I get terribly depressed when I am
in pain for long periods of time (14 weeks in a flare!) and have contemplated
ending it all many times. It is terribly unfair that we are afflicted with a disease
that is chronic, and has very little chance of going into remission. All I want is to
be able to enjoy my life. Little things like being able to stay up past 8 at night.
Having the energy to go on a bike ride every once in
a while. Having the confidence
that if I do go on that bike ride, I won't have to spend the next day in bed due to
the pain. Having one day go by where I am not in a "fog", and can think clearly,
and not forget things. Most of all, I want people to understand that I am not a
hypochondriac, and I am not crazy. I am in pain, and if any of these people who
are judging us could spend just one day feeling the way we feel, they would no
longer doubt the seriousness
of fibromyalgia. The hardest part of FM is feeling
alone, like no one you know could possibly comprehend what you are going
through. It is frustrating, scary, depressing...........
“sillyway”
Things have gotten out of control… right now I am using every bit of energy I could ever hope for to write this… I drop my soda, my pen, dinner, anything, and every thing… I do the dishes… the few there are and need a break to do them all (it is dad and me…we use what 10 dishes a day)… my body is screaming… I wish I didn’t hear it… wish my eyes would work right… wish I could drink the water… wish I did not have to take meds to stop my back spasming out of control long enough for me to get to sleep... I really truly wish they lived a day in my shoes…
Why such a weird request… right now I feel as if someone has took 2 knives and stuck them in each side of my neck… the knives are pressing on the back of my eyes… sensitive to noise… sun is just killing my body today…. extremely dizzy when closing eyes… needing a nap and trying to get one but get a wake up call form my body, “What do you think you are doing trying to sleep… you can sleep when you are dead.” So I get up needing a nap so bad…
Sad thing is I went to college, got a degree, used to be good at what I was trained for… i cant remember what the codes/shortcuts are for the programs i use... I used to cook… every day… now I get frozen dinners and heat them up… do I cook… I have to be having a really amazing day to cook… I try 4 times a month to cook… but only have done it once in the last 3 weeks… I forget I am cooking, forget what I was doing, mixing things up… I absolutely love cooking… my body doesn’t…
Ending life… well I cant say I haven’t ever thought about it… so many stresses… no work for 2 years… family saying I am milking my dad… dad having to drive me to the store, doctors, everywhere… have only seen a friend, who lives less than a mile from me, once in the last 3 or 4 months… it becomes too much… we(the support group) all try to keep each other in high sprits… do I want to end my life? No… but I do get discouraged, sad, depressed, feeling as if I can not help as I should... all the time!!!!… Life is interesting, stressful, and unrelenting.
Life…what life… this is pain… this is giving up everyday things… fighting for help… reading everything on FM and CMPS… learning there is no cure for FM…and that the cure for CMPS is only accomplished with FM in remission… learning that if I have a girl she has over a 50% chance of getting FM… then another surprise… there is Parkinson’s Diseases on mom’s side… so if you weren’t in enough pain already we will add in one more thing to make sure you are in pain 24/7… and lets not even discuss the nerve damage and how the shaking of the hands affects my art…
Please everyone, know that these pesticides help no one… will you be affected… of course you will… maybe not today, or tomorrow, but sooner or later you will be affected by this mess of chemicals they are adding to the fields and foods… Ever ask yourself why we pour so many chemicals on the field that have been producing blueberries before you were born, chemical was born, a long long time... but chemicals work...yeah right... they work at tearing my just 27 year old body down to something it never was.
For more information on pesticides and what you can do to help please check out this site.
Clean Maine Coalition
http://www.cleanmaine.org
To learn for about Fibromyalgia, Chronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome, and Chronic Myofacial Pain Syndrome (also known as Myofascial Pain Syndrome) please take a look at the sites below:
http://fibrocloud.homestead.com/
http://fm-cfids-painexhibit.worldbreak.com/ (you have my permission to print this site address)
PHOTO:::::
Attached is a photo of a painting i did for a "Pain" art exhibit... the pain that never stops, the fire that runs my life, and dark places i go feeling so very bad, so sad... Why at 27 should i be worrying about not having money for cloths... why do i have to feel so bad that i have to ask my dad for food for the end of the month... why do i have to ask my dad to drive me around... do you see a pattern... i do... I have lost so much of my life... even making money to support myself... i have to fight for my life.... even my work... my paintings are on hold, my etchings are on hold, my drawings are on hold, even my photography is now on hold.... why??? because painting causes spasms and can only do about 2 minutes before i need a break... etching causes spasms and can only be done holding my hand down with my other hand... drawings are on hold because my hands shake so very bad... photography - this is something i wish i did not have to give up... my hands shake so bad that i am lossing whole rolls... i had 3 developed and saw i had ruined them all with the hands shaking... that was my wake up call something was not happening like it should...
So i am forced to ask for help....
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