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Date Posted: 13:31:03 04/21/03 Mon
Author: Jeff Harrison
Subject: Virginia Missive Trio

FIRST MISSIVE FROM VIRGINIA

dear ....here is first contact from ur old new
Virginia.....
when you wrote the last poem i give it a very
serious thought....and I figured it out ....i mean my
quite loneliness ......cuz i start to blame my self
.....but....should I?!?!?!?...am not giving any excuse
here....but....let's stop for a while ...let's stop the
time and the movement all around me...and to have a
look ..!!!.....let me convince my self of my existence.....
now am really alone...no one is here but me...oh..ok.....
am I living with them or they are living with me ??? who
needs who??? do i need them to tell me how great ...and brilliant and how beautiful I am??? or they need me to tell them how happy I am cuz they all around me, and that am nothing without them ??? wait....wait..... am i nothing without them really?????? OH my GOD whom am facing here???? me or them???.

am facing my suffering thoughts....my weakness...my sensitive Formosa....my lying promises....am facing every thing leads me to nowhere...to nothing....there is no direction to my thoughts or my lucky pennies ....and i don't know the page I'm walking in !!!! am i really alone or there is others with me ????? for how long do u think this strong wind will last?? can i hang up with my weakness.....and my small wings???? what do i need to face it? or to get over it ?.......why i don't just let it take me to its waves.......................
but u know ...no matter how hard you try to
keep my soul around it will never survive....now I realize that moving away from words can be very painful and difficult, still i assume that...... i don't know if i have enough generosity to forgive my self for its inability to understand my life....i really don't know .
am sorry jeff really i am (i said sorry more than i
said mum) what can i say??? and this is why am writing to you .....maybe cuz I'm ceaseless.....
anyway my dear am waiting for u to write more poems cuz
am longing to hear from u
with all my love to u and only u Virginia
__________________________________________________________

SECOND MISSIVE FROM VIRGINIA

Let me tell u about my problem now!!! If u still willing to hear or to read …… no need to feel here ok

What is the value for our dreams????? Does it make u feel that u r alive? Or maybe it makes u feel that u r up to something that life cant give it to u!! Maybe!! or why don’t we put it that way (no dreams means no reality) that the one of us cant realize his exists!!!!!! Am I going far
here? Who will tell me if I am???? we r all flying in the same dream sky no where to hide

I saw an old man in the street I just cant stop feeling how bad his feeling is when he is asking for help from people cuz am sure that this man was something one day!!!! He must have kids (they r men now or ladies) where r they???? Did he plan to have that kind of life ??? (To ask people for help or money) that’s only one case.

When I see people on TV I see them dead but before they was killed how was there feeling about it when they faced dead?????? what they were thinking about???? Maybe there kids or there fathers or mothers am sure they were sad
to imagine the one they love is crying over them what am trying to say here is ………. That I live with anyone deep inside him when he feels the bad moment.

Am so tired …… I want to be like a rock I heat my heart I heat how I feel I don’t want to feel anymore ………… I don’t know if u got what am trying to say here but I hope u do …….. it’s a meager problem in my life …….. I don’t
have a life when u take a deep look to what I just write here u will know that my life is for the others not for me ………. I gave all my power and all my youth to those people I am spending my days feeling sorry and put my self
in people shoes ……. Am not saying that I don’t want to feel at all!!!!!!!!
but I want to feel myself too ………………..

How can I put it to u???????? u know what ……. Let me tell u about my kids in the center they know that they different from the others and that makes my heart speed up!!!!!! I feel pity for them and I know that I shouldn't.
one day one of my kids asked me what is retarded means????? my hands begin to shake, my face and neck and back and stomach begin to burn with the effort of only breathing ………… I was silent in a darkness that suddenly seemed thick and full ………. So I pulled my self away feeling ashamed from my self not to answer him …………. There were a voice inside me yowling and clapping in the same time (success, sacrifice, shame, shadow, embarrass, true, retarded, sorrow, normal, deserve, hit, love, heat, enough, relief,
curse, ridiculous, natural, hide, fear, proud, GRAVE) all these words come along with the words long buried in me...

U know my dear …………………..
.I CAN’T WRESTLE THE WORLD AND WIN

___________________________________________________________

THIRD MISSIVE FROM VIRGINIA

I tried hard to keep my self away from the whispered fence, from the crawled grieve, from the savored decisions... Believe me I did try... And I should be rewarded for this dead efforts?

Picturing my self like that reflect a huge humiliation for my punishment...

Tell me dear have u ever climbed Ur compassion? Have u ever hit Ur miserable sorrow with a sharp sour? Have u ever thought to destroy ur humanity response to disappear? HAVE U? Tell me if u asked the ghost of ur determination to go away? tell me that every one of us needs the chance to
relax from her beating life, and her disturbing dreams?

My life was being swallowed up more and more each day by this strange feeling... Felling of refusing to transfer my desire to a need....

I have been forced to rehearsing to bend over to my ridiculous commitment to the silent stone inside me... Every time I whisper to my thoughts to hang up there and that am coming to let u go free... but my whispers disappear
behind the hidden breath...

Every night I listen to my youth chewing my dreams and barely swallow it with my cursed proud...

I kept hitting the life waves... I knew nothing about the other Virginia in me... she is living with me, eating, breathing, feeling, and suffering.... u introduce me to her politely, and in a friendly way...I liked her and I felt sorry for her, cuz she was there, since she was a kid,
and I ignored her, I didn't see her grow up, I didn't see her first step, I didn't hear her first word... She was there, straggling for me, trying to tell me something...

Now u know why I am bending over to the SILENT STONE.

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