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Date Posted: 01:22:23 06/26/04 Sat
Author: rotN
Subject: TNCCB
In reply to: reflectionofthenight 's message, "The Nottingham Clone Comes Back" on 01:21:08 06/26/04 Sat

The Nottingham Clone Comes Back
A parody by rotN.
Rated PG

My apologies to Dr. Seuss and those who love "The Cat in a hat Comes Back".


All that deep,
Deep, deep snow,
All that snow, it really had to go.
When The Wielder went
Down to town for the day,
She said, "Sombody has to
Clean all this away.
Somebody, SOMEBODY
Has to, you see."
Then she picked out two Somebodies.
Gabriel and me.

Well...
There we were.
We were working like that
And then who should come up
But an Ian Nottingham clone in a black watch cap.

"Oh-oh!" Gabriel said.
"Don't you talk to that Ian.
That Ian is a bad one,
That Ian Nottingham clone in a black watch cap.
He plays lots of bad tricks.
Don't you let him come near.
You know what he did
The last time he was here."

"Play tricks?" laughed the Clone.
"Oh my my! No, no, no!
I just want to go in
To get out of the snow.
Keep your mind on your work.
You just stay there, you two.
I will go in the mansion
And find something to do."

Then that clone went right in!
He was up to no good!
So I ran in after
As fast as I could!
Do you know where I found him?
You know where he was?

He was eating a cake in Kenneth Irons’ favorite tub!
Yes he was!
The hot water was on
And the cold water, too.
And I said to the clone,
"What a bad thing to do!"

"But I like to eat cake
In a tub," Laughed the clone.
"You should try it some time,"
Laughed the clone as he sat.

And then I got mad.
This was no time for fun.
I said, "Clone! You get out!
There is work to be done.
I have no time for tricks.
I must go back and dig.
I can't have you in here
Eating cake like a pig!

You get out of this mansion!
We don't want you about!"
Then I shut off the water
And I let it run out.
The water ran out.

And then I SAW THE RING!
A ring in the tub!
And, oh boy! What a thing!
A big long black clone ring!
It looked like black ink!
And I said, "Will this ever
Come off? I don't think!"

"Have no fear of that ring,"
Laughed the Ian Nottingham Clone in a black watch cap.
"Why, I can take clone rings
Off tubs. Just like that!"

Do you know how he did it?
WITH THE WIELDER’S WHITE DRESS
Now the tub was all clean,
But her dress was a mess!
Then Gabriel looked in.
Gabriel saw the dress, too!
And Gabriel and I
Did not know what to do.

We should work in the snow.
But that dress! What a spot!
"It may never come off!"
Gabriel said. "It may not!"
But the clone laughed, "Ho! Ho!
I can make the spot go.
The way I take spots off a dress
Is just so!"

"See here!" laughed the clone.
"It is not hard at all.
The thing that takes spots
Off a dress is a wall!"
Then we saw the clone wipe
The spot off the dress.
Now the dress was all clean.
But the wall! What a mess!

"Oh, wall spots!" he laughed.
"Let me tell you some news.
To take spots off a wall,
All I need is two shoes!"

Whose shoes did he use?
I looked and saw whose!
And I said to the clone,
Off a dress to a wall!"
"This is very bad news.
Now the spot is all over
KENNETH IRONS’ £7 SHOES!"

"But Kenneth will not
Know about that,"
Said the clone.
"He will never find out,"
Laughed the Ian Nottingham clone in a black watch cap.
"His £7 shoes will have
No spots at all.
I will rub them right off
On this Persian rug in the hall."

"But now we have rug spots!"
I yelled. "What a day!
Rug spots? What next?
Can you take THEM away?"

"Don't ask me," he laughed
"Why, you know that I can!"
Then he picked up the rug
And away the clone ran.

"I can clean up those rug spots
Before you count three!
I will rub them right off
No spots are too hard
For a Clone like me!"

I followed him around, clutching my head.
We found the right room.
"It has the right kind of bed."
Then he shook the rug!
CRACK!
Now the bed had the spot!
And all I could say was,
"Now what, Clone?
NOW what?"

But the clone just stood still
He just looked at the bed.
"This is not the right kind of a bed,"
The clone said.
"To take spots off THIS bed
Will be very hard," said the clone.
"I can't do it alone,"

Said the Ian Nottingham clone in a black watch cap.
"It is good I have some one
To help me," he said
"Right here in my cap.
On the top of my head!

It is good that I have him
Here with me today.
He helps me a lot.
This is Little Ian Clone A."

And then Little Ian Clone A
Took the cap off HIS head.
"It is good that I have some one
To help ME," he said.
"This is Little Ian Clone B.

And I keep him about,
And when I need help
Then I let him come out."
And then Little Ian Clone B said,
"I think we need Little Ian Clone C.

That spot is too much
For the A clone and me.
But now have no fear!
We will clean it away!
The three of us! Little Ian Clones B, C and A!"

"Come on! Take it away!"
Yelled Little Ian Clone A.
"I will hit that old spot
With this branch! Do you see?
It comes off the old tree!
If you watch closely, it goes on the T.V."

And then Little Ian Clone B
Cleaned up the T.V.
He cleaned it with milk,
Put the spot in a pan!
And then C blew it out
Of the house with a fan!

***

Now, here’s when I’m pausing
Just for a second or two.
I was reading the rest of the story.
It’s amazing what a clone can do.

I paused a moment more.
In reflection you could say.
Just what could I do with an
Ian clone of my own for a day?

My list grew quickly.
With great leaps and bounds.
Faster and faster
than even Wolfie’s great hounds.

I read the story through once more.
The original you see
was always so busy.
Too busy for me.

Imagine Little Ian Clones
Letters A, B, C, D.
Surely with all the letters of the alphabet
Their’d be enough
For both you and me.

A clone for Drusilla, Lassar and still more.
A clone for Hazel-Jean, Jenileigh, Oldemystic and Beck.
For Wormie and Dragonlady and Spin, you bet!

For Evil and Eli and Irish Raven X too.
For the Lady of the Blade
(I bet he misses her like we do)
Mirage and Ravenesch, Lov, Meridian and Veck
We all could find a use for one
Of this I am sure
Just imagine having one of the Ian we adore.

I’ve run out room
But there’s more clones to list.
More lovers of Ian and the season we missed.

More letters of the alphabet
and when those are all out
No time to be sad
There’s more numbers than I can ever count.

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