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Date Posted: 14:00:48 07/20/02 Sat
Author: Xtreme
Subject: Jake in Mr. Olympia? Yeah right...(Sorry if this is posted twice. The board is acting up)

(The scene opens in Xtreme's living room on a summer afternoon. Xtreme and Jake are sitting in their usual places, Xtreme in the E-Z Chair and Jake on the couch. Xtreme is flipping through the channels and goes past ESPN 2, which is showing a World's Strongest Man competition. He continues to flip until Jake stops him)


Jake: Hey, wait! Go back to that channel for a minute.


Xtreme: What? Style? You wanna learn how to dress better or something?


Jake: No, ESPN 2. They were showing one of those World's Strongest Man competition's. Those are cool.


Xtreme: Sure, there's nothing else on.


(Xtreme flips a few channels back and they are showing the Worlds Strongest Man competition from Victoria Falls in Africa. Right now, they are showing Magnus Samulsson and Phil Pfister competing in the Atlas stone event. In this event, the two competitors must lift stones increasing in weight onto different size pedestals. After about thirty seconds, Magnus Samulsson gets the last stone up and wins it. Jake turns to Xtreme and says)


Jake: Xtreme, I've been thinking. I really want to get in shape, ya know, for the ladies.


Xtreme: Jake, you don't have any ladies.


Jake: I know but for the ladies that will be mine once I get into shape.


Xtreme: Whatever. So you wanna come train with me?


Jake: Xtreme, your idea of training is getting drunk and going to the batting cages until you get kicked out for causing too much ruckus.


Xtreme: Yeah, so you wanna come train with me or not?


Jake: How about we go to a real gym instead. There's one of those LA Fitness place's opening in the shopping center down the street.


Xtreme: Fine we'll go there and check it out. I'm pretty sure they don't allow you to wear jeans and sneakers while working out. You can borrow a pair of my shorts.


Jake: Thanks, Xtreme. You're a real pal.


Xtreme: I know.


(Xtreme goes into his room and picks up a black workout bag sitting on the floor of his closet. He then goes over to his dresser and puts two pairs of black shorts into it. He picks up his "Winners wrestle. Losers play basketball" t-shirt for himself and a plain gray shirt for Jake and puts them in the bag. He walks back out into the living room and Jake is standing, ready to go. Xtreme heads for his door and exits his apartment as Jake follows him. They both head down the ground floor but leave from the font door instead of going into the garage)


Jake: Aren't we driving?


Xtreme: I thought you wanted to get into shape? A little walking won't hurt you.


Jake: Yeah, you're right.


Xtreme: Of course I'm right. You know what else I'm right about?


Jake: What's that?


Xtreme: That Chris Carpenter doesn't stand a chance in hell against a man of my stature...a man of my dominance...a man of my...umm....


Jake: Testicular fortitude?


Xtreme: Good one, Jake. Testicular fortitude is something I suspect Chris Carpenter knows nothing about. Sure he's Storm's golden boy; his "Chosen One", but what does he know about kicking ass? I've been kicking ass for weeks, months even, and when did Carpenter show his head in GWA again? A few weeks ago? Yeah, he advanced in the tournament before I did, he has some time before all of the ring rust is gone and I've been waiting with baited breath for a real challenge to come my way in the GWA and this will be my first real test since returning. I mean, everyone thus far has done little to offer me a real challenge. Xtreme-1 and Johnny Razor? Please, those two didn't know what hit them. Dryden Darco? I expected a challenge from him, yet I get minimal effort. Porcia Raventhorne and Sean Fury? Well...Mr. Storm handed me Porcia Raventhorne on a silver platter and Sean Fury turned tail and ran when it came time to belly up to the bar. I mean, I won't be surprised if you're afraid of me too, Carpenter, most sissies are. If you're too scared to fight next week you can just ride your girl bike home and put on your sun dress; you'll be so pretty. But if you want to fight me, I'll be in the ring eagerly awaiting you're presence. I'm sure you will be there with bells on, Carpenter, because surely the Canadian Icon would not pass up a chance to put a trash talking Yank like me in his place. But seriously why would anyone be proud of Canada? Haven't you ever seen Canadian Bacon with John Candy and that lady who's married to Danny DeVito? Canada nearly, sorta, started a war with America and John Candy saved us all. But besides Canadian Bacon, why would you defend Canada? The only things they've given us are Alanis Morisette, Brian Adams and Rush. How can you defend that? I don't know how you can but I'm pretty sure you will try. But all jokes about nationality aside, you will not defeat me in that ring next week, Carpenter. I cannot...will not let it happen. My time is now and I will not be denied by some bacon smelling pot smoker like Chris Carpenter. I have waited too long for a title shot of any kind to come my way and I'll be damned if I'm going to Chris Carpenter stand in my way of getting one step closer to GWA gold. I think I deserve a title in the GWA more than anyone, especially Chris Carpenter. I've been working my ass off lately and all I get are failures, people who don't want to be here and now apparently I've pissed off the Violent Femmes or something, I don't even know what the hell's going on. I do know, that I am on a roll and no one is going to stop me. I am going all the way to the top, and if I have to step over Chris Carpenter to do it, that’s just fine with me. I have no problem with beating people if it will get me noticed. Just ask any of the people I've destroyed to get this opportunity to compete in the Coliseum title tournament. I don't want to have to hurt people to get noticed...ah who am I kidding? I'm here just so I can hurt people but having some gold around my waist to make me look good doing it would make it all the more fun. Carpenter, you better bring me a good challenge or else I might hand out my worst beating yet.


(Xtreme and Jake turn the corner into the parking lot of the LA Fitness and begin to walk to the door. Once the reach it, they enter and are immediately greeted by that new gym smell. No BO or sweat yet, just new machines, un-used treadmills, and lots of hot trainers. They walk up to the counter and behind it there is a middle aged man in a shirt and tie standing at a computer. He greets them)


Man: And what can I do for you gentlemen today?


Xtreme: We'd like to try out your gym to see if we want to join.


Man: Ok, that'll be a ten dollar guest fee for both of you.


(Xtreme hands the man a twenty because he knows Jake has no money. The man takes the money and smiles)


Man: Thank you, enjoy your workout. The locker rooms are straight down this hallway, men’s on the left, women on the right. The treadmills are right here, the machines are in the center, and the free weights are in the back.


(Xtreme and Jake walk back to the locker room and enter. The locker room is clean and virtually empty. There is a bathroom/shower room with a sauna room off to their right and the lockers straight ahead of them. There is a scale at the end of one row of lockers and Xtreme and Jake pick lockers right next to the scale. Xtreme and Jake both change into their work out clothes and head back out to the gym. Jake turns to Xtreme and asks)


Jake: So what do we start off with?


Xtreme: First off I think we should run on the tread mills; get a sweat going.


(Jake and Xtreme begin to walk over to the treadmills. Since watching Jake and Xtreme run for fifteen minutes isn't the most exciting thing in the world, we'll fast forward through it all. The screen looks like it is fast forwarding through all their running. After a minute or two Xtreme and Jake get off the treadmill and walk over to the free weights. Jake jogged the whole time and is still sweating more than Xtreme who ran. Xtreme leads Jake over to a bench for some bench presses)


Jake: Oh good, a bench. I'm tired.


(Jake sits down and wipes his forehead with his shirt)


Xtreme: Half right, this is a bench but it for bench pressing. Let me show you. Put two of those big plates on the other side of the bar.


Jake: Plates?


Xtreme: Yes, those big black things that say forty-five on them.


(Jake picks up one forty-five plate, but almost drops it. He was apparently unaware that the big forty-five on it meant forty-five pounds. He muscles it up onto the bar and does the same with a second. The bar is about fifty pounds so this whole bench press for Xtreme will be about two hundred thirty pounds. He lays down and begins to press it while explaining it to Jake at the same time)


Xtreme: See Jake...you have to press it...like...this.


(Xtreme presses the bar about 5 times before putting it back on the rack and getting up)


Xtreme: Since I really don't think you'll be able to do this, take off those two forty-fives and lean them against the bench.


(Jake and Xtreme takes the plates off both sides so it is just the bar on the bench. Jake lays down on the bench and Xtreme gets behind the bar to spot him. Jake tries to pick up the bar, but is obviously struggling with just the bar. He presses it as many times as he can, but then puts it down. Jake is sweating even more then before now. Xtreme snickers at Jake and Jake sits up)


Jake: Wow, this is harder than it looks. I think that’s enough bench pressing for today.


Xtreme: Ok, Jake, whatever you say.


(Xtreme still chuckles at Jake's weakness, as they move onto some shoulder exercises. The scene begins to fades out, but then quickly fades back in to Xtreme and Jake walking on the street, after their workout. They are about to enter Xtreme’s apartment building and are walking up the stairs)


Jake: Wow, that was a tough workout.


Xtreme: Yeah, I suppose...well for you maybe.


Jake: Yeah, I think I'm about ready for competition.


Xtreme: What? What do you mean, competition?


Jake: Like bodybuilding competitions. I think I'll start off small...probably with the Mr. Olympia contest.


Xtreme: Mr. Olympia? Don't you think you're getting way ahead of yourself? Some people train their whole lives to compete in these things, you've just had one light workout.


Jake: I know, but I think I can take them all in the trivia round.


Xtreme: There is no trivia round! It's not a talent show, Jake, it's a body building competition. You're a hundred eighty pounds of bones, fat and a little muscle. I hardly think you can compete in Mr. Olympia.


Jake: Whatever, Xtreme. You'll see, I'll get into that competition.


(The scene fades out to black but what is Jake talking about? Mr. Olympia? Those guys have muscles people didn't even know existed. How does Jake expect to compete? We'll see right about....now)


THE NEXT DAY



(Xtreme is still laying in his bed asleep when Jake bursts into the room and flicks on the light, which is blaring bright to Xtreme. Jake is still holding Xtreme's portable phone in his hand and he begins to yell)


Jake: I did it, Xtreme! I got into the Mr. Olympia! They said even though the competition is today, they could accept me as a late entry!


Xtreme: Jake, what in the blue hell are you talking about? You need to compete in other smaller shows before you can get into that! You can't just walk right in and say "Hey, I'm here. Tell me how I look in a Speedo"!


Jake: Well they said I could be in and we better get moving! They competition starts in an hour at the First Union Center.


Xtreme: Why the hell is at a stadium?


Jake: Got me, that’s just what they told me.


Xtreme: Goddamnit, Jake, I'll take you but if you're wasting my time...


(Jake already seems ready to go and Xtreme drags himself out of bed and puts some decent clothing on. Jake is already standing at the door, like a little dog waiting to be let out. Xtreme and Jake walk down to Xtreme's car and get in. Xtreme drives as fast as he can to the FU Center so he can get this over with. They get into the parking lot and find a space close to an entrance. They both walk in and Jake finds his way to the back where all the people running the show are, somehow. Xtreme follows, still asking himself why and how he gets dragged into this stuff. They find the guy running the promotion and he is happy to see Jake)


Director: Jake! There you are! You're on in five minutes! Hurry up! You, go out into the audience! We don't need extra people back here!


(He was talking about Xtreme so rather than make a big deal, Xtreme listens and leaves well enough alone. He finds a seat as some huge guy gets finished his flexing and out walks Jake, still wearing the cargo shorts he was wearing when they left, only he is not wearing a shirt. His pale skin and beer gut either sicken Xtreme, or are hilariously funny, he can't really decide. A murmur of voices comes over the crowd and the judges begin to talk amongst themselves. Probably saying "Who is this slob and why is he here?" Xtreme can't tell so he tries to focus on something else while he is there. Eventually Jake is done his "flexing" and the rest of the men walk back out onto the stage. There are nine other huge men next to the small, flabby Jake. The head judge stands up and begins to talk)





(Rock steps forward and waves to the as two ladies wearing bikini's walk out and give him a medium sized trophy. The crowd applauds and Rock steps back into line, holding his trophy in his hands)


Judge: Our second place finisher is, Buff McChisel!


(Buff, the tallest guy there, steps forward as the same two ladies bring out an even larger trophy for him. Buff holds it high about his head at the crowd applauds. Buff steps back into line and the crowd stops. Xtreme laughs and thinks to himself that Jake must feel stupid now for entering)


Judge: And now our winner of this year's Mr. Olympia...the man we all knew would win from the beginning....


(Not Jake, Xtreme thinks)


Judge: This year's Mr. Olympia...JAKE!


(Xtreme looks like a wrecking ball just smashed him in the bean bag as the crowd applauds loudly and the two ladies bring out a huge trophy for Jake who is jumping up and down like a kid. The other men look like they knew it was going to happen but applaud anyway as Jake accepts the trophy, which he can barely lift. Xtreme looks around him like "What in the HELL is going on" as everything suddenly disappears and Xtreme sits up in his bed. The clock next to his bed reads 3:48 AM)


Xtreme: Oh my GOD, that was an odd dream...more like a nightmare...


(Xtreme lays back down on his bed and tries to go back to sleep. The camera begins to slowly pan out of Xtreme's room and into the living room. So it was all just a crazy dream...but now we can see Jake lying on the floor with his arms wrapped around the same huge trophy from Xtreme's dream...)

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