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Date Posted: 15/12/07 5:13pm
Author: Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Subject: Chimney Security Services
Does anyone know how to contact Chimney Security Services, or for that matter simply disarm their devices? About a month ago the * Non Lethal Automated Nail Gun started randomly firing and any attempt to approach it causes a warning buzzer and the orange flashing light to come on. I have also noticed that the * Non Lethal Napalm Purge System, * Non Lethal Spear Gun and * Non Lethal surplus Sidewinder missile have begun to ominously hum and flash a series of diagnostic codes.
I have called the toll free number on my service contract and found the number disconnected, similarly the post has returned the letters I have sent marked undeliverable. Last night the * Non Lethal Napalm Purge System fired off a short burst and since the damper was closed charred the mantelpiece clock. I am becoming quite alarmed that there may be something wrong with the system master control panel.
Sincerely,
Hon. Roger Q. Shlockman III Esq.
Shlockman, Sueman, Kneebreaker and Stall
Attorneys at Law
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Replies:[>
Re: Chimney Security Services -- Cecil Gallsworthy,
18/12/07 8:53pm
Hello
I have been trying to contact Chimney Security Services for some 6 months now. In July I purchased from our local flea- market a Non Lethal Miniaturised, Mk2, Nuclear Warhead. Having read the bomb`s manual from front to back (some 986 pages) I note that on page 947 under the paragraph entitled "DISARMING THE DEVICE" it reads: "In cases of emergency and/or life threatening predicaments, take a large robust mallet and tap the shell`s dome 13 times in a downward spiralling motion, until you hear in this order, an elongated whir, 346 - 555 ticks, a very loud thud-come-pop, 2 bangs and a semi-silent hiss." It went on to say "If you hear the above sequence you will then move on the stage two.."
At this point i`m very saddened to say my pet cat Thunderbolt the 15th pissed over the pages that followed rendering the words contained therein completely indecipherable so I am afraid I am stuck with a semi-disarmed Non Lethal Nuclear Warhead and am at my wits end as to what to do next. If someone has a copy of the manual please jot down the further 46 steps that I need to follow and fax them to me on Arkansas 3473457 (In case you`re wondering I managed to catch a glimpse of the other steps before my now late cat pissed on the pages).
Any advice would be greatly appreciated and I look forward to your earliest reply please.
Sincerely
Cecil Gallsworthy
AKA Daphne Gallsworthy
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Re: Chimney Security Services -- Ferdinand DeMonaco,
23/12/07 5:26pm
Dear Sir or Madam,
I certainly would like to help but I only have the manual for the Non Lethal Miniaturised, Mk3, Nuclear Warhead. Likewise on page 1128 under the paragraph entitled "DISARMING THE DEVICE" it reads: "In cases of emergency and/or life threatening predicaments, take a large robust mallet and tap the shell`s dome 13 times in a downward spiralling motion, until you hear in this order, an elongated whir, 346 - 555 ticks, a very loud thud-come-pop, 2 bangs and a semi-silent hiss." It went on to say "If you hear the above sequence you will then move on the stage two.."
Here is where you may have a problem, there is an addendum page that fell out of the back cover of my manual correcting the aforementioned page 1128 which reads “WARNING Following the disarming instructions on page 1128 will place the missile in self preservation mode UNLESS prior to striking the dome 13 times the following procedure is preformed.”
1- Locate the spanner part number 5678 (13mm 5 pronged pin spanner, non-sparking) in your ordnance disarmament kit model 435B. Warning the spanner included with ordnance disarmament kit model 435B while similar in appearance to the spanner in ordnance disarmament kit model 435A must be used due to the longer pin at the 3 O’clock position to engage the disarming switch.
2- Insert spanner in the fuse retaining cover (Fig 29, page 11) with the handle facing the dome of the shell, rotate exactly 37.4 degrees clockwise, wait for three 1200 Hz tones and return the spanner to the upright position within 3 seconds. You may now turn the spanner three full revolutions anti-clockwise, wait for the hiss and make one more revolution back in the clockwise direction before proceeding with disarmament.
So I would say it looks like you may have put the cart before the horse as it were by tapping the dome. I would venture to say this is exactly why the Mk2 and Mk3 warheads are so popular flea-market items having been disposed of by the military due to the confusing nature of the manuals and manufacturing defects in the ordnance disarmament kits.
I would say Thunderbolt the 15th is indeed a lucky kitty as his demise will not include being blown to bits by your Mk2 should it go into failsafe mode.
Ferdinand DeMonaco
Amateur Bomb Disposal & Gourmet Wine Taster
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