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Date Posted: 20/12/05 4:00pm
Author: Mort Lowenstein , Metro Times
Subject: Parkwood Mall Food Court Accident
Santa Claus (AKA: St. Nick, Saint Nicholas, Father Christmas) a jolly, fat old man with a white beard and a red suit, who allegedly brings gifts to good children on Christmas Eve was arrested last night in the food court of Parkwood Mall. The arrest came after a high speed chase involving Parkwood Police and the Sheriffs department. The chase began around 8 PM when air traffic controllers at a nearby airport reported a near midair collision, shortly afterwards residents in the area called police reporting damage to chimneys, television antenna and satellite dishes. Patrol officers responded and during their investigation noticed a sleigh being piloted in an erratic manner. When deputies attempted to pull over the sleigh the driver speed off, slightly damaging one patrol car. Other deputies and local police continued the chase, attempts were made to use spike strips to stop the vehicle but each time the driver managed to fly over or around them. At times the driver seemed to taunt the police by slowing down and then gaining altitude sped away. The chase ended around 9 PM when the sleigh crashed through the atrium of the Parkwood Mall and landed in the food court. When deputies arrived they saw Mr. Claus trying to escape by running through the Waffle Hut, after a brief struggle the officers used Mace and a Taser to subdue him.
Fourteen people were injured in the crash, thirteen were in the food court and one minor child in the vehicle. The names of the injured have not been released but at least three received life threatening injures and were airlifted to the trauma center in critical condition, a spokesperson said at least two were not expected to survive. Three other minors, passengers in the vehicle were taken to child services until their identity and relationship to the driver can be verified.
Eyewitness reports indicate the driver may have been under the influence, and the litter of Rum bottles and Eggnog cartons around the crash scene would seem to confirm these reports. Deputies also had to put down at least four of the reindeer that were injured in the crash, the did confirm Donner and Blitzen were among the casualties, but the faint glow beneath one of the blankets covering the bodies did not bode well for Rudolph.
In an unconfirmed report it would appear Mr. Claus had been at Elf-A-GoGo, a strip club outside Toronto since Noon. An employee there a Ms. Humpsalotta said there was a Jolly old man there with four smaller companions and they had ordered at least 20 Jell-O-pudding Eggnog shots and 30 St. Pauli Girl 32 oz draught beers before she went off duty at 3 PM. A 7-11 clerk down the street recalls a man in a red suit buying 16 bottles of rum and a dozen quarts of eggnog around six but didn’t see a vehicle, he did however recall a clatter on the roof and the man appearing from the heater vent. Mr. Claus is expected to be arraigned tomorrow, and is being held without bail until a hearing.
Mort Lowenstein , Metro Times
And a Merry Fucking Christmas To All
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