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Date Posted: 20/01/06 7:28pm
Author: Chief Inspector Imalooking Theotherway
Subject: Re: Death Notice - Withdrawl: Twoddly Bobshonks - Minister for Domestic Munitions
In reply to:
Dr Knot Quiterite - Senior Coroner
's message,
"Death Notice - Withdrawl: Twoddly Bobshonks - Minister for Domestic Munitions" on
20/01/06 10:45am
I would like to apologize to Mr Twoddly Bobshonks, his family, friends and others who may have been unnecessarily distressed by the premature announcement of his untimely demise.
As you may know the job of Chief Inspector brings one into contact with all sort of unsavory characters, after 20 years you just have to turn a blind eye to some things, other drivel just goes in one ear and out the other. On the night in question when Mr Twoddly Bobshonks washed up in Leicester, I was called to the morgue where I saw Mr Twoddly Bobshonks lying on a slab. Summoning my vast experience as Chief Inspector I examined him in the usual way, I pulled out my pearl handled fountain pen and gave him a quick jab in the arse.
Seeing no response, and it being a dreadfully cold evening, I joined the staff in a little distilled spirits to ward off the chill. As it was apparent Mr Bobshonks was deceased and owing to the strong stench of rotting fish we tied a tag on his toe, zipped him in a body bag and put the body in the cooler for the day shift to deal with.
So no harm done a stay in the infirmary and a few hundred stitches wouldn’t cure, well well what do we have here now? Move along, nothing to see here! Move along or I’ll poke you in the arse.
Chief Inspector Imalooking Theotherway
>
>It is with great pleasure and some embarassment that I
>retract my previous announcement and say that the
>Minister for Domestic Munitions, Mr Twoddly Bobshonks
>is in fact very much alive. We apologise to the
>minister and hope his stay in our fridge did not
>disturb him too much, and that he gets over the cold
>quickly. Some staff on the overnight shift were
>apparently quite sloshed and wrongly diagnosed his
>condition. He has a number of shark bites, but all of
>the important bits are there, and with 241 stiches in
>place, looks almost as good as new.
>
>In his own words -
>
> "I had been invited out by an acquaintence to do
>some night time sport fishing on his boat. The rest
>of the crew looked a bit sinister, there was no
>fishing gear in sight and I was a little suspicious,
>but being the good guest, I said nothing. Well next
>thing I know, I was tied up and this rotten bag of
>fish put around my neck. Then they waived these
>menacing steel jaws in front of me, but didn't seem to
>have the gumption to use them. Shortly thereafter I
>was put over the side without so much as a 'by your
>leave', and the boat up and took off. Well the sharks
>came a nibbling, but lucky for me, the chum bag
>snagged on the boat and I was dragged along with it,
>hidden in the darkness. This went on for hours, when
>suddenly the bag let go, I looked around and not far
>away I could see the lights of Leicester. The boat
>headed off in the direction of Liverpool, and I swam
>for it and collapsed on the beach exhausted. The next
>thing I remember I was lying in this fridge with lots
>of other people.
>
>Be assured that I have engaged MFCC of "Problem
>Solvers" to look into the matter, and he will be
>personally delivering my thanks to the crew of the
>boat and its owner.
>
>I also want to say that I will be back to work on
>Monday, and speaking personally with the Minister of
>People With Foreign Sounding Names, about the tongue
>injuries such names cause.".
>
>Once again our apologies to the minister. To all
>those people ringing to ask if their recently departed
>ones are in fact dead - *YES* they most definitely are
>- we don't make the same mistake twice. Well
>generally not, and I can say with absolute confidence,
>that there is a good chance that most of the people
>residing in our fridges are probably dead. By way of
>demonstrating the faith I have my staff, I will not
>waste 3 hours checking all existing cadavers, but I
>will be unavailable for the rest of the afternoon.
>
>Dr Knot Quiterite
>Senior Coroner
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Replies:[>
Re: Death Notice - Withdrawl: Twoddly Bobshonks - Minister for Domestic Munitions -- Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd.,
23/01/06 11:15pm
Dr Knot Quiterite
Senior Coroner
Sorry for the confusion as I told Zvonimir and Pankracije, I think there is something hanging on the Zodiac. They however did not listen as usual and it seems Mr. Bobshanks might have been dragged near to shore as a result.
We of Vladimer, Zvonimir and Pankracije Ltd. are determined not to let this happen again and will immediately institute a policy of making sure orders are carried out, even if it requires a few rounds being discharged to make 100% sure.
We pride ourselves on the work we do and want to apologize to all past and future clients that this will never happen again. The company motto states: Dead men tell no tales, and we aim to keep it that way.
Sincerly,
Vladimer
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