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Wednesday, May 13, 02:20:43am [ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, [2], 3, 4, 5 ]

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Date Posted: 2/10/14 10:25am
Author: Steve
Author Host/IP: 110.175.43.5
Subject: Thanks fellas, appreciate the thoughts.
In reply to: PTP 's message, "Hi Steve" on 1/10/14 2:28pm

Basically, I think it was just a night when things .. got to me a bit.

Pete, I do actually 'let it out' now. Far more than I used to. The 'affair' thing and the only was I can put it is, I felt like a servant who'd been fired after 20 odd years of loyal service because I missed dusting the top of a book-case or somesuch. I kept that a secret as Mum actually was very fond of her and 'her' always stated how wonderful a lady Mum was and how she loved her. So when I asked her to go visit Mum in hospital and she didn't. That was the end of lies. Anyone wants to know anything about me now, as TT asked a perfectly innocent question and probably taken aback by the reply, well, that's how I am now.

Didn't get back to say thanks to either of you earlier as after the GF, I went to see my niece (lives over Carlton/Fitzroy way. Got lost, thought I'd made the right turn to get onto old Bulla rd to get to Sunbury (home) and ended up (no idea how) in Kyneton (Sp?). Got home 3am and to tell the truth, wondered why I'd spent $600 for two hours of entertainment. I think I posted earlier this year why I didn't post here much anymore as football as a whole has lost me. Getting to much like soccer, no loyalty. Fixed draws (there's one thing you should give the hawks credit for Gav, only side to play the other top four clubs twice this season. Sydney played them all of course, and all in Sydney). The passion we grew up with of the VFL, as we're all old codgers now, is gone.

Spoiled by 11 Flags? Maybe, maybe just worried about leaving Mum alone that long (and that's the longest I've been gone in virtually ten months this year really). So crawled into bed 3am. Felt depressed and started crying at 4am. Not bawling the eyes out or dramatic yelling/wailing. Just soft tears dripping down.

I've been on anti-depressives since I was around 13/14 years old. There's even an enzyme in my blood that pre-disposes me to depression. Doesn't mean I'll automatically get it. Just if I do, it's going to grab hold of me harder than some others.

So, come monday morning after sod all sleep the previous couple of days. The last thing I needed was for her to start not keeping her food down. She said she was okay after awhile and I went to bed 9pm, truly exhausted. Ten month toll had taken its measure. Couldnt get out of bed Tuesday, asked when she came into my room if she was okay, wanted me to cook and she (lying) said she was okay. Yesterday, get up and she's standing over her toilet spewing up water as she hadn't eaten, tho there are GOOD microwave meals there for her. She still wants me to cook.

So, doctor again, new pills again. X-ray again. Blood sample again. Only drinking tea and no food AGAIN. Went to bed (well, fell asleep on the recliner in the lounge where I bought a new split system for this years winter. Checked on her as she was warm in there and with her curvature of the spine, the chair is sometimes more comfortable for her (so she says) than the bed is. Went to check 10pm, she'd gotten up, was in her ensuite. Went back ten minutes later, shes snoring in bed. Good, yes and no. I've been up all night (again) checking her every hour or so. That happens at least once a week, sometimes two/three times. Vitamin B shots for me every week. Pills meant to make/force me to sleep.. no effect. It (as Franklin said) is what it is.

I just wonder what she wants to hold on for. I wouldn't live that way given a choice. But I do know she's afraid of dying (something I have no fear for personally). So like explained before. I have to endure and try to get rest where and when I can.

There's worse off in the world than me as they say. Lots better off as well.

Saw your FB page Gav. Looks like you've got a good thing going. May it last forever my friend, you deserve. But never wear a kilt again you just don't have the legs for it. And Edinburgh surprised you hey? Beautiful country, wish (mums from Glasgow) I'd been born there and moved to the highlands as a youngster. Open and peaceful valleys for miles. Kind of life I'd like now.

Still, what will come well. It's going to be like everything else, something Id rather not. And if I sound defeated it's because I am. The old 'things will get better' is, sorry to be so blunt, the greatest fucking lie ever. For forty years I've been told that from Doctors, headshrinkers, group sessions, friends, family and even strangers in internet chat rooms and it hasn't ever gotten better. Step by step, it's gotten worse. Bone scan back the other month for instance. Brittle bones and I AM going to get osteo-arthritis. No if/but/maybe.Special shoes need fitting as my arches have fallen so flat there's no roll in the step like there should be. So the tendon over stretches and like all muscles overworked, it gets painful. Walking (barely) crock and 50 is four months away.

The only desire is to outlive mum. She blames herself for putting me in this position but its my (very much loved but angered with) stupid father. Won 3000 POUNDS in 1962, half a house mum wanted to buy in Ascot vale. He didn't want to be tied down with a house as they'd buy one when they went back to West Aus. But they never went back to west aus as he died and to bloody stupid to realise that there was a possibility he could die, at any time and that would leave mum and me struggling from that point on. Stupid stupid stupid old man (nearly 50 when I was born). Anyway, thats enough whinge for today, coffee needed and go see if Mum wants somethign besides tea for breakfast.

Thanks again to you both for your kindness and concern, hollow as it sounds when sent over via a modern telegraph like the net, I truly do appreciate the thoughts and sentiments you gave. And sod okerisim my love to you and the others on the site who've read the posts or not. You were mates, even for a short time and ive seldom had mates through life. Good while it lasted. Best to you always in all ways. Steve

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