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Date Posted: 09:09:45 04/04/04 Sun
Subject: What is the correct desicion?
You know my story LORD. You watched it unfold. Was i wrong? Was I at fault? Did I send her away and Break up the family? All my life, I wanted what I was taught. Family. Man Wife and Child. I had that. From my eyes it was perfect. I couldn't see the lies in front of me, I couldn't confront the questions I had. I believed I was going to die old with her. I believed she loved me, Loved the family. Now look. Why didn't I ask her if she was cheating. Was she cheating all the time? Why didn't she ask me to eat her out? Was she afraid I was going to tell her i Knew she was cheating? Was that the reason I didn't go south of the border on her? Am I going to be punished for letting the family fall apart? That is my greatest fear. That I failed. You have seen the 1000-odd pages I have written over the last 3 years. I still cannot make sense of it. I don't really believe I have asked you for direct help. I am now. I need you help. To answer all these questions. What is the differnce between right and Fair? What is the right answer? Was I correct in fighting for the kids? Taking them? Claiming Child support? Taking the house? the Truck? trying to keep the sanity in my childrens head? Did I jump into this next relationship to fast? Should I send my new girlfreind back where i got her? Persue my Wife? You Know I still consider Nova my wife. Even though we never actually said the words in church? Is the action of having a child Marriage? Or is that piece of paper really that important. You know I believe she is my wife, But What am i to do? Am i living in sin by having Sonya here? Look at her life. See the agony she has gone though. I pray for her. Help her. Give her a lift up. I have not been happy for the last 3 years except for the occasional day to day smiles found in humor. I really need some guidance. Some purpose. I sit here with a patch on my arm and a smoke in my mouth. Dizzy spells about what I though I had and what a really had. Look at what i had LORD. A wife a well paying job, two wonderful Children, House, dog, and on the verge of being married! I Had what I though you told me to get. I have been loyal to my wife. and to my girlfreind for that matter. I have never commited adultery. I have been tempted and fought them off. The Girl on the bus to North Bay, Such an easy temtation. the Offer came with no strings attached. But I told her no. For both you and Me. I wanted just one woman for my entire life. The one i chose has forced me here. I'll say thank -you for allowing me to retain custody of my children. I thank-you for Give me child support. I thank-you for letting me keep this house, the truck I traded for a roof, and the knowledge that i did nothing seriously wrong. Was my mistake trying for shield myself from her adulturous ways? Should I have sent her down the road years before when i caught her with Bill? Was i nieve to believe she wouldn't cheat on me again? Is it her fault for not asking me to do more exciting things in bed? Sex is a touchy topic with you. where is the line? Is oral sex wrong in you books? Because I love it. Sonya and I have great, wonderful, erotic sex. You can peer into my bedroom LORD. Is what we do wrong? It involves just her and I. It's clean and private.
What Do i do now? She bought with her two more children. There is 6 of use living in a house with 4 bedrooms. Just look at me LORD. See the writing I have been writing. You know where my loyalties lay. Is that your voice in my head? Why would you tell my such information? Terroism. Ya i understand why it is here. Ya I see the solution. But who is going to listen to me? Why won't you tell me what a need to do. Why can i not spend any money on me, I can't afford to fix my house. I can't afford to buy shorts for the Now 4 kids here. What about college. Where is that money comming from? You know how I feel about Sonya. I want to help her, But I also want to be single. I never did get to "shop" around for a proper wife. She just kinda, well, "needed" a place to live. and since we were dating, this place was the most convienent. I don't love her LORD the way I should. I know she loves me. I can feel it. But i am truly afraid I am going to hurt her, the way Nova Did me. Then what? again I am condemed in your eyes?
It would have been much easier if I would have lost my wife in a Car accident, instead of they way that unfolded. That night All i wanted to hear was " Yes, He is your son." That's all. Not "You'll never trust me." When i can smell another mans spoils, of course i can't trust her. Help me LORD. I have never asked you before. What Should I do? Help Sonya live on her own. Help my wife see the truth. Help my children with their mental prowless, Keep them safe. Help me repair my home, in all aspects. If Nova is my wife in heaven, bring her back to me. If sonya is my wife, then help me love her. Free my hands so the words in me can find their way out. You put the words there!?? Am i imagineing them? Is California going to get hit with that earthquake in less than 6 months? Is Isreal going to be flattened buy a Nuclear bomb? Is the full scale war in the mideast going to spill more blood than oil? What does that have to do with me? You know is seems that my life parallels the world. Nova left and the WTC fell. We went to court, and the US invaded Iraq. Almost every event in my life seem to have a repocusion in the world. Coincedence? Fact? Insanity? Is this planet Really HELL, and all we are looking for is a way out? The way out, I thought was to follow the 10 commantments... I have. Yes I have broken a few, and was forgiven just before the wedding. That was my first confession. But look at those sin's. they where nothing compared to what happen daily on this world. a Child Stealing a few sweatbands, a stolen Bike. I never beared false witness. Never covented my neighbors... Anything. About my greats sin was telling a story i heard like i was there. Look at me now lord. I don't lie, Steal or scam. I go to work Daily, I hate it. I feed my kids Daily. I can barely afford it. I fix my house with the cash i have, which is not much. What I am asking for is Freedom. I want to be free. Whatever that means. I need it. I have been locked up here for too long. I don't want anyone to get hurt. I want peace. I want justice, not revenge. I have forgiven my wife for cheating on me. I forgive her again. I forgive the men who have slept with her. I can not forget though. You tell us not to forget. We can not learn from that which we forget. For the pain it cause me and my children It's impossible to forget.
I ask of you LORD to forgive me. To help he get over my wife if she's not coming home. Help me to love again. Help me find peace. Help me Find myself. Please help me. I beg of you
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