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Date Posted: 14:28:15 08/26/02 Mon
Author: Tiffany
Subject: *~*~What's It Gonna Be?~*~* Part Two: Idiots Will Be Idiots

I know it's been a while, but I promise to come back more often, lol.

~ Tiff


When you step off the plane, Chris and Justin are there to greet you. You run into Justin's arms and he picks you up and spins you around until you playfully knee him in the groin. Justin's your dawg. Seriously he is. When Joey's in New York with his family, you and Justin go down to his basement, drink Crown Royal and listen to old soul records either until the sun rises or you both pass out on the sofa down there.

One night during an Al Green/Teddy Pendergrass set, Justin confided to you that he smoked pot from the time he was fourteen until he was eighteen. You stared at him for while trying to picture what Justin Timberlake would look like stoned....a picture of Scooby Doo pops into your head. No matter how hard you try to get Scooby out, he stays there and howls his catch phrase. Finally giving up your drunken attempt at seriousness, you crack up. Your head rolls on his shoulder as you gasp for air.

"What?" he asks a little defensively
"SCOOBY DOOBY DOO!" you say still laughing at your corrupted thoughts

He tilted his head to the side and made a questioning grunting noise, which sent your funny bone into overdrive. You started giggling, laughing, gasping for air, and squeezing your stomach so hard that you farted on Justin's three thousand dollar sofa. You almost felt embarrassed, but you knew that you were so drunk that embarrassment and mortification was hilarious. When the smell came 15 seconds after the sound, you scowled and started fanning your hand in front of your face. The smell is so loud that even Justin cracks up.

When the laughter died down, you told him about your eight year stint with the love affair that ended when you were twenty. Of course, his nosey ass had to ask why. You were reluctant to tell him, not really wanting to go into that story. But alas he gave you the 'tell me and I'll kiss you' look and....of course, you melted.

Your mother and your step-father had a huge party for their second anniversary. Your sister dressed you up, did your hair and make up like teenagers did back in '94, and even let you wear her favorite white beret. You thought you were the hottest piece of twelve year old ass that ever walked the planet. You danced with everyone until your feet hurt, and then danced with your much loathed step-father until his feet hurt. Hee hee...served him right.

Trying to be bad assed, you and you sister sneaked a few bottles of Colt 45 from the downstairs bathroom tub that had been filled with ice and 40 oz bottles. The next thing you remember is being picked up and carried to your room by two huge arms.

"Daddy?" you whispered drunkenly dreaming of your dead father
"Yes darlin', it's daddy" your step father said as he put you down on your beautiful white canopy bed

You remember hands touching your still growing breasts the way you'd heard your sister and her friends talking about. But they seemed to like the attention, you didn't. You slapped away hands when they grabbed you, covered yourself when clothes were taken off, and squeezed your legs shut tight when you felt someone touching you 'down there'. But after a while, you lost the fight and fell unconscious from the beer and excretion.

The next thing you remember is waking up so tired, scared, and hurting so badly that you trembled. You went to your sisters room first and told her everything quickly as if the speed as which you told here would lessen some of the pain you felt. The worst you thought would happen was that your sister would be angry (like always), but instead, she started crying and banging her head with her ringed fists.

"Why was she crying?" Justin had asked you sadly
"Because" you say taking a swig of your beer "She'd been so relieved that he hadn't come to her room"

You tell Justin that your sister opened her locked ivory jewelry box and took out a bag of fragrant smelling green. When you asked her what it was, she put her fingers up to her lips and told you to keep quiet; that everything would be all right. She rolled a small blunt, plugged her door with a terrycloth towel and lit up. You smoked your first pot crying and listening to Kurt Cobain's scornful voice, bellowing out the way he saw life. Through a cloud of haze and bullshit.

"I think pot was one of the best things that ever happened to me back then" you said light a cigarette
"Why would you think that?"
"Pot made future visits so much more bearable to stomach"

****

In the car on your way to the house, Chris cracks jokes about how you're wearing sunglasses on a very sunless day. Covering your panic with humor, you sigh and tell him that you're wearing sunglasses to calm you inner diva. While Chris laughs lightheartedly, Justin looks at you from the rearview mirror skeptically. He'd been watching you very closely since the three of you left the airport. You bite your lips and curse yourself for not canceling. Sure, it would have gotten you a week of cold shoulders, but it would have concealed the bigger lie. That you had lied to the one person in the world who accept you and loved you exactly the way you are without giving a shit for the reasons why you are so untrustworthy towards people. He's just your friend. No more and no less.

But everyone knows Justin's keen sense of trouble. The boy can sniff out bullshit at fifty paces. You know that he'll find your secret out. You're positive he will, but until then you'll play your part as the honest friend and push your sunglasses higher onto your face while you sing along with Chris' tainted version of Digital Getdown.

ONce at the beautiful house within the mountains of Santa Barbara, you quickly grab your bags in search of a room with a private bathroom in it. You have a nagging feeling that if you share a common bathroom, someone will walk in on you reapplying your make-up. You don't plan on hiding behind it much longer, but you have to at least try to be inconspicuous. That way, when the truth comes out, you would have at least tried to conceal your scars.

When Joey comes in, you're unpacking your underwear. As you hear his loud voice boom happily within the walls of the house, you sigh dreadfully as you dab under your with loose powder which is more for your own easiness. You hear his heavy feet padding up the stairs as he shouts for you and swallow the sobs that a ready to leap from your throat at any second. You're ready for him armed with fake smiles and lies trying to squash the urge to scream the truth at the top of your lungs, just so you can get the pain out of your heart. As he opens your door, you look into the eyes that you haven't seen for a while and actually smile genuinely. You run into his arms unable to control yourself. He pulls you close, putting his strong protective arms around your waist.

"Happy Birthday Bello"
"Thank you, Joey"

Squeezing him tighter, you fight back the tears of regret that are ready to spill from your heavily make-uped eyes. When he holds you at arms length to examine you more closely, he frowns. He asks you why you're wearing so much make-up. You tell him that you haven't been sleeping much and that you have heavy bags under your eyes...which isn't a total lie...the bags are just....bruises.

"Well, make up is only going to make them worse. Why don't you wash it off and take a nap. It'll give me a chance to bake your cake" he says kissing your cheek
"You're baking me a cake?"
"Yup. Filled with plump and sweet strawberries"
"You do realize that I'm...."
"Allergic? Yup, I know. It doesn't matter. If you swell up, I'll just get a safety pin and deflate your ass" he says walking towards the door "I'll wake you up in about two hours, how is that?"

When he leaves the room, you sit on the bed slowly. Feelings that you thought you could handle are coursing through you; you feel overwhelmed. Like you're drowning in your own lies and as you and splash and kick them on everyone, they know how deceitful you've been to them all. Your surrogate family. And yet you know that you still have a choice to make and you're still avoiding like the spoiled little cunt you are. You can't bare to face the truth. You can't bare to make yourself vulnerable.

You can't, you can't, you can't....you, you, you.

You almost feel disgusted at the extent of your own self-indulgence.

After a long nap and a hot shower, you come from the bathroom, naked and dripping with water because your stupid ass forgot a towel. As your body and eyes adjust to the darkness, you see Justin sitting stoic on your bed. He's squeezing a stress ball and looking at the door with stony eyes. Although the mini and vertical blinds are blocking out most of the light, you can FEEL the hurt radiating from him. All you can think and worry about, once again being selfish is:

He knows.

"When are you going to tell him?" he asks throwing you a towel
"I'm not"
"So...you're still with that punk"
"Yeah, I'm still with him"
"Why? I mean...fuck...he BEATS you"
"He's going to be a doctor Justin, I have a plan. I'll be fine"
"You're an idiot. You have NO CONCEPT of how life really is"
"No Justin" you say standing in front of him, looking into his glowing eyes "YOU don. You live a life of utter simplicity. You don't have to slave, study, shop, clean, or even look for the right girl. She's going to fall into your lap. Me? I have to do all of those things, PLUS look for the right guy. I HAVE to work my ass for the rest of my life, not because I'm poor Justin, which by the way I am, but because I want to be a self-sufficient woman. So what Jonah hits me? All men have their quirks. I'll deal with it because Jonah isn't going anywhere"

Justin stands up and paces the room for a few seconds unable to comprehend the vastness of your stupidity. He looks at you a few times wanting to strangle some sense into you, but takes a few deep breaths instead and walks to the balcony door.

"Joey isn't going anywhere and neither are the rest of the guys"
"Jonah loves me"
"So does Joey, the rest of the guys...and...so do I" Justin says weakly shaking his head
"Not the way I need to be loved"
"YES! The way you need to be loved!" he says throwing the stress ball to the ground and sitting down in the wicker chair nearest to him. He puts his head in his hands and rubs his tired eyes "At least I think I do. But I know for a fact that you don't. I know how you feel about Joey and I know how Joey feels about you. And if you want love the way you say you do, then you'll be with Joey. And if you even THINK of sacrificing yourself to let him find someone supposedly better, I'll hurt you. Do you want to know why?"
"Why?" you ask feebly
"Because there is NO ONE on this planet that is like YOU, Lovely. You and Joey need each other"
"Ha" you laugh sarcastically as you look over at his appeased face "Yeah, like a hole in the head"
"I guess you're right" he shoots back with even more sarcasm and venom "Why need Joey when you can get a hole in the head from Jonah right?" Just gets up from the chair and walks towards the door before looking back at you with a sad attempt of a smile "This would be a happy birthday for you if you weren't such a dim-wit"

For some reason, although you were expecting much worse, what he tells you still stings. But what stings you the most is that he loves you so much that he's willing to put himself through mental hell just to talk you into being with his best friend.

Damn, Justin.

Why does he have to be so self-less all the damn time. Doing what's best for everyone but himself. This reasoning keeps you in your room for the rest of the night. The fear of Justin telling Joey what he knows proves to be a greater cause for paralysis than Jonah's fierce blows could ever be. Lance, Chris, Joey and JC try to get you downstairs, but you fake cramps and send them off to get drunk without you. You can't think of a reason to face Justin now that he knows what he knows. It's just impossible. And you're almost sure that you'd cry for his so-called misery. Him being in love with you. It's crazy, but completely believable.

He DOES have the worst taste in women.

That night, you dream about Joey making love to you. He's gentle and attentive to your every need, kissing the small of your back, your shoulders, your neck. Using his fluency in Italian to woo you into submission. He's so slow and intoxicating that you actually scream out. You wake up in a fit of sweats with your hair sticking to your face and your body feeling like it's numb and on fire at the same time.

You close your lazy eyes and look on the nightstand at the digital clock. The red gothic letters flash 3AM as you fumble on the floor for your glasses and cigarettes. When you find your spectacles, you remember that you gave your smokes to JC when you were napping, suddenly not feeling the urge to smoke.

You put on your night shirt and head downstairs in search of the master bedroom suite that JC has made his own. When you get to the large area, you look into the cracked door only to see JC awake watching a movie. You knock.

"Come on in, Lovely" he says knowingly
"How'd you know it was me?" you ask sheepishly walking into the room that is laced with smoke and aftershave
"I have good ears. I suppose you're looking for these?" he asks holding up a lit cigarette
"Ugh, you know me too well"

You take the cigarette from him and take a long drag before giving it back to him. He scoots over in his bed and lifts the blanket for you so you can join him. You get in and light and new cigarette with his before snuggling close to him and looking at the TV screen. You laugh when you realize he's watching a tasteless tittie movie.

"This is actually pretty good. It's about a wife who cheats on her husband because he won't give her head" JC looks at you "Rough night?"
"Weird dreams"
"Of the violent nature?"
"Of the sexual nature"
"Ah, I've had those. They're actually quite useful during dry spells. Not as satisfying as sex but not as boring as masturbation" you laugh at him as you puff
"Actually mine did more harm than good"
"Why is that?"
"My subconscious is taunting me because I...I uh....kinda lied to Joey"
"What about?" he asks looking at you closer "Oh God? What happened to your face?"

You laugh knowingly and push a heap of curly hair out of your face, showing the rest of the unshielded bruises on your face. You watch as JC's crystalline eyes widen horrifically, then close as if it's painful to look on.

"Jonah" he says running his hands through his hair "Why? I mean, you broke up with him right?"
"No" you say with a sigh "We're getting married"
"Wait a minute...you TOLD us you broke up with him"
"I lied, I didn't" You let a stupid tear fall from your pathetic eyes "I didn't want to...fall in love with him C, I swear to God I didn't. So I thought marrying Jonah would freeze me, you know? I made up this big excuse as it why getting married was the problem solver. But it's all bullshit! Everything about me is bullshit"
"You love Joey. That's not bullshit" JC says pulling you into a hug "Baby...why don't you just tell him? You know that he's crazy about you"
"I"m scared. I'm so scared C. He's so kind and good. I don't even care about the other women. And fuck I LOVE Briana like she's my own kid. But I've never been in love before. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to handle what I'm feeling"

This is true. You've worked towards one goal all of your life and haven't let yourself get side tracked by love because you felt it would be a distraction. You don't feel undeserving of it per say, but you thought that if you played your cards right, fate would smile down upon you and give you everything you always wanted...even love with a cost. That you could love someone without truly being in love with them. Without being blinded by love. But in Joey's case...you feel like Stevina Wonder behind the wheel of a car. Headed towards a lot of trouble.

When you tell this to JC, he holds you tighter and explains what you already know to be true. Love isn't to be feared, it's to be cherished. The risk is what makes it wonderful. The danger, the anger, and the tears are what makes love so sweet. He tells you that you're wrong for lying, but Joey will move on and forgive you.

"But you can't hide from this, Lovely. You can't hide from what is meant to be. God has a plan for us all baby, you just have to open yourself and let him use you"

So as you and JC fall asleep next to each other with your arm draped sisterly across his chest, you let go. You let go of your fear, you let go of your hurt, you let go of your anger. You even let go of your sadness. You let go, now, of 24 years of self-resentment and you try to forget it ever existed. You channel every feeling into one thought and feeling.

You love Joey.

But it can't be that easy.

Nothing in this world is found or known with some kind of an obsticle.

And of course there is an obsticle because God has a vendetta against you. But before you begin to worry yourself with the same the impossible questions and answers that you've always worried yourself with. You enjoy the feeling of knowing that you're in love, because you know very well, come Monday...

You'll be back with Jonah.

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