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Date Posted: 13:55:36 09/12/01 Wed
Author: Girle
Subject: The Way I Am

I'm numb
I can't feel a thing
Partly because I'm stunned . . .
Partly because I'm confused
I'm a jumbled mess of emotions
Trying so hard not to let anyone get close to me
But I'm so weak
I long for affection
But it seems whenever I let anyone get close
I get hurt beyond words
My heart aches
I feel physically sick
It's so hard to eat when I feel so disoriented
I want to push away
But I'm charmed so easily
Convinced so quickly
That he won't hurt me this time
But it happens over and over
And it's my fault
For trusting
For loving
For thinking it would be different this time
One keeps me at arms length
So I learn it well
Keeping others at arms length
But none of them know it
I'm scared
I'm scared to be left alone for too long
I don't trust myself
But I'm scared to let someone help me . . . to let someone in
What if they hurt me?
What if they tell someone what a mess I am?
I want to be like everyone else
Invincible
But I want to mean the world to someone
I want to feel special
Sometimes I do - but it never lasts long
They move on quickly . . .
Then they come back
I'm too much of an analyzer
I read into the littlest things to a great extent
So I end up hurting myself
I convince myself it's them
Yes, THEY are the ones that are hurting me
But I'm so vulnurable
The blame is mine
I'm not too hard to catch
Maybe that's why I'm strung alone
Because they know I'll always be here
I hate the way I am
I should just go sit in the dark
Alone
And curse the world

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