VoyForums
[ Show ]
Support VoyForums
[ Shrink ]
VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 15:22:15 05/10/09 Sun
Author: SunFlare
Author Host/IP: S010600179a334297.gv.shawcable.net / 24.69.74.23
Subject: Editor's fingers a'twitching here
In reply to: Grumpy 's message, "The whole shebang, Part 2, and writer's block." on 21:49:44 05/07/09 Thu

Nice progress! I think the theme is really good, but somehow it lost its quirkiness and fun surprises towards the end there. I found the dialogue explanations way too unwieldy and "scientific" and they didn't leave enough to the reader's imagination or reflect the different personalities well enough. I don't like Glass Eye falling out of character in dialogue for the convenience of the story.

Opportunities for humour and background to the two main characters lost in this part:

"Over the following weeks, Paco assumed the role of student to Glass Eye’s Mentor, and was introduced to various mystical practices intended to develop his sense of events as they happened and as they would happen, together with an ability to influence events in some small and some large ways. The Mentor taught Paco that the mind, properly employed, is a powerful instrument, and for those with the ability and will to focus on it properly, an instrument that obeys the will of the user. Paco was a willing student, but a slow learner, causing his teacher much irritation. Still, progress was made, and the boy began to develop some small abilities, which alas, did not extend to musicianship."

Two or three accounts of these lessons would consolidate the two characters in the reader' mind, and could be pretty funny. Also give a little more insight into the range of Glass Eye's abilities and unpredictable sense of humour, as well as develop the relationship between Paco and mentor.

Also the cross dressing Nazi's aren't exploited enough, especially for the really ridiculous aspects of their predicament. They arrive and they are taken away, colourless. Crowley might as well have arrived with three cardboard cutouts.

What is the purpose of rescuing the astronauts? Are they useful to the story?

Can the effect of the time machine be better described in a series of vignettes from all over the world, culminating, say, at the POTUS desk when he attempts to use something electronic? A dry report to the POTUS doesn't quite convey the depth and breadth of the effect.

As for writer's block, here's a suggestion. You might think about what El Toro is doing and start weaving him into a parallel storyline for now to lead up to the inevitable criss-crossing of his path with Paco.

Yeh yeh I know, write it yourself SF. Nah. I'll happily help pummel it into shape, but otherwise I'm way too busy with really important things like knitting a giraffe for my grandson and pulling dandelions from my garden. :)

R is totally absorbed with Godeater right now, but is making really good progress. Writes at least 1000 words a day, usually more. Does pretty much nothing else except shower eat and work. It is being edited as he goes so it won't be too much of a giant task when it is finished. At this rate he will be back to Paco a lot sooner than we thought.

Meanwhile he has read and approved this message. :) Also says, as he runs out the door, he is really sorry he can't be of more help right now, but his brain is too crowded with Godeater to switch between the two.

Tell you what I can do if you would like. I can have a go at pruning this to make the story flow more smoothly. Get R to see if that offers any improvement and give it a nod before I post here or on email to you.

Let me know...

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Post a message:
This forum requires an account to post.
[ Create Account ]
[ Login ]
[ Contact Forum Admin ]

Forum timezone: GMT-6
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.