| Subject: I got ya'll some new quotes! |
Author:
LAUREN
|
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Date Posted: 19:35:43 09/26/01 Wed
Hey ya'll so my quotes sucked last year but i think I found some funny ones now. I am sending them all! Ya'll have fun now!
Love
Lauren
You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling
asleep, you're reading, reading... And all of a sudden you
notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.
Last night, I walked up to this beautiful woman in a bar and
asked her, "Do you live around here often?" She said, "You're
wearing two different colored socks." I said, "Yes, but to me
they're the same because I go by thickness." Then she asked,
"How do you feel?" and I said, "Well, you know when you're
sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs
then you lean too far and you almost fall over but at the last
second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time."
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I
think I've forgotten this before.
Lots of comedians have people they try to mimic. I mimic my
shadow.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It
wasn't doing what I was doing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right
in front of me -- and I didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it
is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I
say, "I think I might have written that."
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, "Yes, but not
right now."
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally
walk through into another dimension.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely
abstract. No brush, no paint, no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going
to move to New York.
I like to reminisce with people I don't know.
I like to skate on the other side of the ice.
I'm so hyper... (Said with a very dull voice.)
If you can't hear me, it's because I'm in parentheses.
Four years ago... No, it was yesterday.
Today I... No, that wasn't me.
Sometimes I... No, I don't.
Is it weird in here, or is it just me?
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the
entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said,
"Wish you were here."
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up,
and smile for a satellite picture.
I'm moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes...
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way
to Venus on mail order and I couldn't pay for it.
I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says,
"Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile." I spent last summer folding it. I
also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
People ask me where I live, and I say, "E6".
It's a small world, but I wouldn't want to have to paint it.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
I have the world's largest collection of seashells. I keep it
on all the beaches of the world... Perhaps you've seen it.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died
they'd just stay right up there. Hunters would be all confused.
When I die, I'm leaving my body to science fiction.
I went to the bank and asked to borrow a cup of money. They
said, "What for?" I said, "I'm going to buy some sugar."
I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I don't have that
much time.
I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from
the statues that are in all the other museums.
I like to go to art museums and name the untitled paintings...
Boy With Pail... Kitten On Fire.
One time I went to a museum where all the work in the museum had
been done by children. They had all the paintings up on
refrigerators.
Last time I went to the movies I was thrown out for bringing my
own food. My argument was that the concession stand prices are
outrageous. Besides, I haven't had a Bar-B-Que in a long time.
One time I went to a drive-in in a taxi cab. The movie cost me
$95.
I went to the cinema, and the prices were: Adults $5.00,
children $2.50. So I said, "Give me two boys and a girl."
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time." So
I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
I went to this restaurant last night that was set up like a big
buffet in the shape of an Ouija board. You'd think about what
kind of food you want, and the table would move across the floor
to it.
There's a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices.
in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air.
I used to be a waiter, but I was fired for clearing tables. I
was clearing them for take off. I had them all lined up
outside. People thought it was an outdoor cafe. I said, "No,
these are leaving at 3." They were going to fire me anyway,
because I told them I thought they should put the wrapper on the
inside of the straw since that's the part you don't want to get
dirty.
I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything
specifically.
Years ago, I worked in a natural, organic health food store in
Seattle, Washington. One day a man walked in and asked, "If I
can melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?" Two days
later I was fired for eating cotton candy and drinking straight
Bosco on the job.
I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2x4 and a box of 3x5's. The
clerk said, "ten-four."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet
supplies." So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that
said "compact cars"...
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got
there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey, the
sign says you're open 24 hours." He said, "Yes, but not in a
row."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They
ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything
I'd like?" Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, "Extra
medium."
I went to the hardware store and bought some used paint. It was
in the shape of a house. I also bought some batteries, but they
weren't included. So I had to buy them again.
I went into a clothes store the other day and a salesman walked
up to me and said, "Can I help you?" and I said "Yeah, do you
got anything I like?" He said, "What do you mean do we have
anything you like?" I said, "You started this."
I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale.
She said, "It's free with purchase." I asked her if anyone
bought anything today.
There was a power outage at a department store yesterday.
Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to
the Gift Wrap Department and told them to wrap it, but in a
different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.
Friday, I was in a bookstore and I started talking to a French
looking girl. She was a bilingual illiterate -- she couldn't
read in two different languages.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier... I put
them in the same room and let them fight it out. Then I filled
my humidifier with wax, and now my room is all shiny.
Ever notice how irons have a setting for *permanent* press? I
don't get it...
I have a microwave fireplace in my house... The other night I
laid down in front of the fire for the evening in two minutes.
My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, ...
I have the oldest typewriter in the world. It types in pencil.
I couldn't find the remote control to the remote control.
I invented the cordless extension cord.
Under my bed I have shoe box full of telephone rings. Whenever
I get lonely I open it up just a bit and I get a call. One time
I dropped the box all over the floor and the phone wouldn't stop
ringing, so I had it disconnected. I bought a new phone though.
I didn't have much money so I had to buy an irregular phone --
it had no number 5 on it. I saw a close friend of mine the
other day... He said, "Steven, why haven't you called me?" I
said, "I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five
on it." He said, "How long have you had it?" I said, "I don't
know... My calendar has no sevens on it."
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
| |
Feedback: 