Lots of Jokes -- Adilbrand Noblesword's Hall of Warriors

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Date Posted: 22:20:30 02/26/02 Tue
Author: BAD
Subject:

Lots of Jokes

Joke of the Day

The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he
asks an older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new priest
hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks him to
step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.

The old priest suggests, 'Cross you arms over your chest,
and rub your chin with one hand.' The new priest tries this.

The old priest suggests, 'Try saying things like, 'I see, yes,
go on, and I understand. How did you feel about that?''

The new priest says those things, trying them out.

The old priest says, 'Now, don't you think that's a little better
than slapping your knee and swearing and saying, ' What
happened next?'

----------------------------------
Men are like.....Coffee. The best ones are rich, warm,
full-bodied, and can keep you up all night long.
Men are like.....Chocolate Bars. Sweet, smooth, and
they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like.....Blenders. You need one, but you're not
quite sure why.
Men are like.....Coolers. Load them with beer and you
can take them anywhere.
Men are like.....Copiers. You need them for reproduction,
but that's about it.
Men are like.....Curling irons. They're always hot, and
they're always in your hair.
Men are like.....Government bonds. They take so long
to mature.
Men are like.....High heels. They're easy to walk on once
you get the hang of it.
Men are like.....Horoscopes. They always tell you what to
do and are usually wrong.
Men are like.....Lava lamps. Fun to look at, but not all that bright.
Men are like.....Laxatives. They irritate the poop out of you.
Men are like.....Mascara. They usually run at the first sign
of emotion.
Men are like.....Mini skirts. If you're not careful, they'll creep up
your legs.
Men are like.....Noodles. They're always in hot water, they
lack taste, and they need dough.
Men are like.....Plungers. They spend most of their lives in
a hardware store or the bathroom.
Men are like.....Popcorn. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are like.....Place mats. They only show up when there's
food on the table.
Men are like.....Used Cars. Both are easy-to-get, cheap, and unreliable.
Men are like.....Weather. Nothing can be done to change either one of
them.
----------------------------------
Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage,
the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second
year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third
year, they both speak and the neighbors listen!
------------------

------------------
When a man opens the door of his car for his wife,
you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new
or the wife.
------------------

------------------
A woman rushed home from work and exclaimed to her
husband, 'Pack your bags, I've won the lottery!'

The husband excitedly asks, 'Should I pack clothes for
cold or warm weather?'

She says, 'Pack'em all, you're leaving!'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
'Honesty'

A rich man was dying and called his doctor, minister, and
lawyer to the hospital room. Over the years people had
warned him that he could not take it with him and he was
determined to take some of it with him.

He gave each one of them $250,000 in cash with the
instructions that they should place it in a package and
put it in the coffin just before burial. At the funeral each
one dutifully tossed the package into the coffin just before
it was lowered into the grave.

Afterwards the minister confessed that needs at the
orphanage were extensive and he had taken out $10,000.

The doctor then confessed that he had removed $20,000
for the new children's hospital.

The lawyer then said: 'I'm appalled at your lack of ethics!
I placed my personal check for the full amount in the coffin!'
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

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