The Rules of Role-Playing -- Adilbrand Noblesword's Hall of Warriors

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Date Posted: 22:59:55 05/21/02 Tue
Author: Adilbrand
Subject: The Rules of Role-Playing

Various Rules for RolePlay

Things that seem to remain constant, no matter what form of roleplay you get into.

1. Hair comes in vast amounts and in an odd color which seems to float in the air rather than lay flat as Gravity demands.

2. Nobody ever uses the door. Ever.

3. If they use the door, it usually involves ripping it off the hinges, bashing into it, or some other process that takes at least nine steps and seems unnecessarily complicated.

5. All men are at least six feet tall, and, when provoked to do so, could easily rip through a structurally sound brick wall.

6. All women have long hair that plays just right about their faces, ample breasts, tight or hanging clothing, and an irresistable smile, whether they want to or not.

7. "So you're all in a bar..."

8. Beware of children. Most of them are at least two hundred years old.

9. Beware of adults. Most of them are older.

10. While exploring, NEVER wander off by yourself. You will always get teleported, kidnapped, slaughtered, ambushed, assassinated, etc, etc...

11. A mute or otherwise talking-impaired creature can always communicate telepathically.

12. When at a place quite literally named "Suicide Cliffs," nobody will ever truly die. They will get saved at the last second, talked from jumping at all, or will simply land at the bottom and continue walking.

13. Every tavern, no matter HOW crowded, will always have one empty table apart from everybody else in a dark, secluded corner.

14. All newcomers are magnetically attracted to this table.

15. Once the newcomer sits at that table, a new empty table appears, in a new dark, secluded corner, to which the next newcomer will be instantly attracted.

16. No matter what you order, the bartender will always have two bottles left of it.

17. If a male plays a female character, expect her to be beautiful, mysterious, and bi/homo-sexual.

18. Any character the player bothers describing as "looks 18" is more likely over two hundred.

19. You can easily identify new players in the story by the distinct "PC" tatooed on their forehead for at least the first hour.

20. Women are more likely to have weapons, armor, equipment, and favors over men... which could be why men choose to play women characters. That or they just want to fulfill their lesbian fantasies.

21. In the middle of the not very packed dance floor, expect a lesbian floor show.

22. If a character is female, beautiful, and has long, flowing hair, she is either a vampire or a demon.

23. All vampires are kind, tortured souls angst-ridden over their need for fresh blood and desperately trying to make up for sins of the past.

24. A good portion of those will be creatively named "Angel."

25. Nobody ever dies, unless the player is bored with the character.

26. If they do die, the body is discovered long before it can decompose, and is conveniently rushed to the nearest temple which, of course, can bring it back to life.

27. There is no such thing as an unexpected pregnancy.

28. Your character can always pick up a date quicker than you can, in any bar.

29. Women's laughter is always soft and tinkling like silver bells - never obnoxious snorts.

30. All children, even those who are two-hundred years old, have lisps.

31. When a character leaves a tavern, they must hover around the entrance for five minutes to see who they've lured into joining them.

32. Rarely will anyone notice anything happening in an inn besides their own conversation. Violent deaths are especially unlikely to draw anyone's attention.

33. There are no apprentice mages. All mages are either the most powerful on their world/in their school, or they are a total beginner that can't cast ANYTHING properly.

34. There are no parents. They have all been killed in some horrid fashion.

35. Everybody, without exception, is heavily armed at all times.

36. All reward gold shall be spent on ale, whores, and trinkets.

37. When fighting in a forest, every tree seems to be strategically placed so you can use it to your advantage.

38. Any child character you come across is guaranteed to have none of the following: parents, respect for authority, proper clothing, food, a place to sleep, manners. However, they will all be such excellent professional thieves despite their tender age that you will never see them pick your pocket.

39. In any combat scene, the last person to enter into the conflict will be not only inhumanly strong, intelligent, capable, and heroic, but will also end the conflict with one swipe of his or her ancient double-bladed kitana which was handed down from his or her father's father's father, who by the way, was a God and all-powerful, until he was killed by this person, who stole his power and so you can't defeat him anyway, nyah nyah.

40. If you happen across a young, beautiful woman wearing a slightly confused expression on her voluptuous cherry-red lips, who has amnesia, and cannot remember who she is or where she came from, you can be certain that she is really a Princess or a Queen from a neighboring country, who has but recently escaped her own country and fled to this one in fear of her very life.

41. Blind assassins can kill anything with their nose. [Who the hell would play a blind assassin, anyway??]

42. No one ever plays a fat man. Except Bill.

43. With as many vampire-hunter-vampires there are, the human hunters can just sit back and watch them destroy themselves.

44. The average character can take any random object, and make it into some form of elaborate weapon.

45. Everyone's past is filled with sadness, pain and torture.

46. No matter what game, there are thousands of websites dedicated to it. Possibly through some server glitch which spontaneously generates them.

47. Those who attain the highest level possible quickly become bored, and can invariably be found showing off to a group of newbies who are all groveling at their feet.

48. Remember, in role play, there is no such thing as simple. Beware of anything described as simple, because it is always something very complex, sinister, and usually deadly.

49. All blind or otherwise vision-impaired creatures are clairvoyant.

50. There is only one bar, the Unibar. All other bars are merely projections of the essential barness of the Unibar. The unibar provides endless quantities of alcohol for each of its shadow-bars, as well as generating the dark corners and uninhabited tables for each.

51. Ranged weapons are worthless, as everyone can accurately anticipate projectile attacks and dodge without even breaking conversation.

52. In RolePlay, there are no accidents. The more accidental it sounds, the more suspicious of it you should be.

53. Death is a state of mind, rather than an actual condition brought about by being stabbed, immolated, chewed up, crushed, poisoned, drowned, beheaded, chopped into little tiny pieces and scattered across all nine continents and both moons, etc. No one's dead until they're bored.

54. Minor NPCs are one exception, as they can be disposed of by anything from a toothpick to a strong breeze.

55. Drugs and alcohol do not impair functionality. In fact, most mystically enhance physical power and/or magickal ability far beyond uninebriated limits.

56. A note on aerial manuvers- as long as you *choose* to make a sudden stop, it doesn't matter how fast you were going. For instance, stopping abruptly in midair while travelling at three hundred kilometers an hour to avoid slamming into a wall at three hundred kilometers an hour incurs no damage.

57. There is always another mysterious stranger, so if the last few died before choking out the secret location of the dragon's lair, ancient flying machine, demon gate, or whatever, don't sweat it.

58. Bar tables are made by enslaved kobolds in a factory near the Unibar, therefore, it does not matter how many are destroyed in bar fights.

59. Most demons can't actually manage real, world-threatening evil, so they end up being annoying, power-hungry meglomaniacs.

Can anyone think of any others?

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Replies:

Re: The Rules of Role-Playing -- Telemachus, 22:57:01 05/24/02 Fri
- Re: The Rules of Role-Playing -- Adilbrand, 00:14:12 05/25/02 Sat
  - Re: The Rules of Role-Playing -- Fyrestryke, 08:40:57 05/26/02 Sun