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Date Posted: 05:50:43 05/20/00 Sat
Author: Melodie
Subject: I don't know what to do or think

Things are so much worse!!!

My parents were watching a movie last night and when it was over my dad made the comment that he did not want to be like him (one of the characters in the movie); he didn't want to realize on his death bead that things were finally like he wanted them.

This led to a talk about suicide this morning. My father at some point asked what she thought should be done; she said she thought he needed to be commited she said she had checked into it. He got angry threw the breakfast she had made and left and said she'd better be gone with her things by the end of the day (when he gets home).

I am so sick of having to live like this! Everyday wondering if this could be the day I lose my father and not over death or at his job but b/c he thinks thast things would be so much better if he were dead. He told my mother one day that he always knew that he would die by killing himself. (Something happened to him as a child; something he won't tell any of us and I'm sure it plays in some how.)

I'm scared!! We have been planning a trip to my favorite spot in the state today Petit Jean (a foothill of the mounatian range--I can't even think of what right now). I think it is probably best that we go; we both need to get away. I'm so scared of what I'll find when I get back, blood, my mother's things destroyed, dead animals (he'll be so angry by the time he gets home that there is no telling what he'll do; he tends to throw things and I don't know what will be his target or get in his way.) I'm seriously thinking of relocating my animals for now; the other possiblities or more than enough to bear. I don't want to add trying to forgive him for taking their lives too.

I know what you're thinking, but it won't do any good. First, the insurance won't pay unless my dad commits himself. Also, they only keep people until the "immedate danger of suicide has passed". For my father, I don't know if I'll ever see that go pass.

This is going to be one hard day. I was looking forward to it yesterday (until this happened). His guns are at least out of the house, but I don't know just how far he will go to get what he wants.

I just don't know how I could ever forgive him; I don't want to be 22 and w/o a father. Who will walk me down the isle?? He will never see any grandchildren; I'm not going to have any until I am married (which seems a long way off). I would have to deal withthe pain of losing him, his selfishness for doing it, and all the grief this has cost me along the way.

I just can't take this anymore!!! I'm sad and scared everyday and I don't know what to do. I've been praying a lot and trying to trust God, but it just seems to be getting worse. I told God that I don't care how he does it, using me or anyone else in any way he sees fit. I don't care if he brings my dad close to death to show him what it is like or if he lets him try and saves him. I care more about his soul than anything he would have to go through to save it. The problem is this revolves around him not getting away with this and I can't be sure it will work out that way.

PLEASE PRAY FOR ALL OF US (ME, MY MOTHER, SISTER AND ESPECIALLY MY DAD). Whatever you do, DO NOT EMAIL ME ABOUT THIS!!! This is my father's computer and I don't want him to know about this. It would just make him more angry. PLease help me through this day...

I thank all of you for your support.

Melodie

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