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Date Posted: 20:06:07 07/23/05 Sat
Author: 百目鳥
Subject: 無回憶男人(上)

有什麼比一頓免費晚餐和一班久未見面的老朋友更能醫治頭痛呢?近日的我雖然心情欠佳、精神不好,但在這個兼得兩者的晚上卻無藥而癒,且越戰越勇。我這人嘛,智能和口才都因一時感興而變化極大,像極細價股和窩輪市場,難怪連富有藝術家脾氣的安妮小姐都說我情緒化。

和老朋友相聚,時間是逆向流動的,剎那間就回到了10幾年前;卻又同時擁有此刻的對照。所有事情雖未能說「早已預料」,卻總是「有跡可尋」,來到今天,我只覺席間各人都變得「更像本來的自己」。那大概就是神國的奧秘了:開始和結局總是同時誕生的。在旅途中尚未明白、並不服氣的事,到了彼岸回頭一望,便自然分解。

所以今天晚上最令我感動的,倒不是孫氏伉儷宣佈婚期(既已是「伉儷」,「婚期」亦早注定了,因此說開始和結局總是同時誕生的),而是我無意瞥見小太陽合眼祈禱的一瞬;記得少年時代叛逆心強的我常常質疑,為何蒙神揀選的基督徒總是「不配」的多,而真正上進有為心思純正如小太陽的,卻仍與神無緣。

現在的我終於明白,返教會說自己是基督徒的不一定是真基督徒,表面上上進有為心思純正的不一定就沒有包藏禍心;而在此時此刻仍與神無緣,甚至對信仰冷嘲熱諷的,難保明天便變成最忠誠火熱的狂信徒。

這就是「無回憶男人」的意思了:唯有已過去、已定性的事情才能成為「回憶」;但我的人生卻仍在發生、不斷發生,所有事情皆是「現在」、是「already but not yet」,故此我並無任何回憶。

2005/7/21

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