Holidays -- Final End

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Date Posted: 04:42:29 05/09/03 Fri
Author: schwabra
Subject: Holidays

DISTINCTIONS BETWEEN THE HOLIDAYS

1. Christmas is one day, same day every year: December 25. Jews also
love December 25th. It's another paid day off work. We go to movies and out
for Chinese food, and Israeli dancing. Chanukah is 8 days. It starts the
evening of the 24th of Kislev, whenever that falls. No one is ever sure.
Jews never know until a non-Jewish friend asks when Chanukah starts, forcing
us to consult a calendar so we don't look like idiots. We all have the same
calendar, provided free with a donation from either the World Jewish
Congress, the kosher butcher, or the local Sinai Memorial Chapel (especially
in Florida) or other Jewish funeral home.

2. Christmas is a major holiday. Chanukah is a minor holiday with the
same theme as most Jewish holidays. They tried to kill us, we survived,
let's eat.

3. Christians get wonderful presents such as jewelry, perfume,
stereos...Jews get practical presents such as underwear, socks, or the
collected works of the Rambam, which looks impressive on the bookshelf.

4. There is only one way to spell Christmas. No one can decide how to
spell Chanukah, (Chanukah, Chanukka, Channukah, Hanukah, Hannukah).

5. Christmas is a time of great pressure for husbands and boyfriends.
Their partners expect special gifts. Jewish men are relieved of that
burden. No one expects a diamond ring on Chanukah.

6. Christmas brings enormous electric bills. Candles are used for
Chanukah. Not only are we spared enormous electric bills, but we get to
feel good about not contributing to the energy crisis.

8. Christmas carols are beautiful. Silent Night, O Come All Ye
Faithful...Chanukah songs are about dreidels made from clay or having a
party and dancing the horah. Of course, we are secretly pleased that many of
the beautiful carols were composed and written by our tribal brethren. And
don't Barbara Streisand and Neil Diamond sing them beautifully?

9. A home preparing for Christmas smells wonderful. The sweet smell
of cookies and cakes baking. Happy people are gathered around in festive
moods. A home preparing for Chanukah smells of oil, potatoes, and onions.
The home, as always, is full of loud people all talking at once.

10. Women have fun baking Christmas cookies. Women burn their eyes
and cut their hands grating potatoes and onions for latkas on Chanukah.
Another reminder of our suffering through the ages.

11. Parents deliver to their children during Christmas. Jewish
parents have no qualms about withholding a gift on any of the eight nights.

12. The players in the Christmas story have easy to pronounce names
such as Mary, Joseph, and Jesus. The players in the Chanukah story are
Antiochus,Judah Maccabee, and Matta whatever. No one can spell it or
pronounce it. On the plus side, we can tell our friends anything and they
believe we are wonderfully versed in our history.

13. Many Christians believe in the virgin birth. Jews think, "Joseph,
Bubela, snap out of it. Your woman is pregnant, you didn't sleep with
her, and now you want to blame G-d? Here's the number of my shrink!"

14. In recent years, Christmas has become more and more commercialized. The
same holds true for Chanukah, even though it is a minor holiday. It makes
sense. How could we market a major holiday such as Yom Kippur?

Forget about celebrating. Think observing. Come to synagogue, starve
yourself for 27 hours, become one with your dehydrated soul, beat your
chest, confess your sins, a guaranteed good time for you and your family.
Tickets a mere $200 per person.

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Replies:

Thats all christmas is ever about Robert-Money. -- PAUL, 06:36:11 05/09/03 Fri
- We don't collect money in the synagogue either -- schwabra, 09:25:18 05/09/03 Fri
  - Its not right though, -- PAUL, 16:12:42 05/10/03 Sat
Re: Holidays -- sjk, 11:29:09 05/12/03 Mon