Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 07/16/09 9:56am
Hi, Nicole,
I am going to look at this from a bunch of sides. Please bear with me.
Let me see if I understand your situation correctly.
You were living in your home, and your husband moved back in. And he is likely to kick YOU out if he finds out you are pregnant with another man's child?
While your fears are understandable, I have to wonder how you will work things out if you are afraid he will assert that kind of coercion against you if he finds this out.
It sounds like the other man is not in the picture. That actually makes things easier. Your husband could easily accept this child as his own, and there would be no legal complications. Legally, this IS his child, and that would only change if the father asserted himself, and you have indicated that isn't likely to happen.
I can't speak to your situation as to what will happen in the long run, but I will tell you that right in this very group, other women have come here with a very similar situation, and have told their husbands, and their husbands forgave them and not only reconciled, but chose to raise the baby as their own. We can hope and pray for such an outcome with you.
I am assuming that the reason he will know it's not his child is because you weren't doing what makes babies with him at the time this baby was conceived, and he would be aware of this. Have you been doing it since? I'm not asking you to tell us, just to look at the total picture. Would it be obvious that your baby isn't his, once he or she is born?
Your husband essentially abandoned you for six months. And you are concerned that he will be possessive and think that while he was gone, he had a right to prevent you from seeing other men? As your husband on the one hand, yes, but given that he abandoned you, no. Maybe it was a mutual decision that he would be the one to move out.
It seems to me like you are hinting you might get a secret abortion. Or would abortion be unthinkable? Would you concentrate on working out a way to protect your baby and still heal your marriage?
Suppose you have an abortion. What if you suffer a complication? He is going to find out. How do you think he will feel if he finds out you were capable of that kind of violence against your child in such a manner? Abortion is dangerous, so this is a very real possibility. Having a secret abortion doesn't work very well. And on top of that, there would most likely be emotional consequences, and it could affect your behavior toward him and toward your child. How will you feel about mothering your 3 year old if you knew you had an abortion? Abortion often causes insecurities in children. They pick up on the subtle emotional changes. Sometimes, if they know what happened, they are afraid that if they don't measure up, their mother will do away with them. Sometimes they feel survivor guilt.
Do you know how he feels about abortion? The fact is, you are carrying a child. This isn't a mass of tissue, but a well organized very tiny human being. What if you considered hurting your 3 year old because it might help you get back together? And how will you feel six months down the line if you know that you bought your reunion with him with the blood of your own child?
I realize these are harsh things to say, and I apologize, but I want you to think about this. Apparently, you aren't comfortable with the idea of a secret abortion, or you wouldn't be here. What you seem to be doing is getting stuck in this moment. That is very common, but please understand that in a situation like yours, panic is usually a woman's first reaction. Women don't make good decisions when they are in a panic. But abortion is forever. You can't take it back.
What I recommend is that you find someone to counsel with. Seek their advice on how to tell your husband. I don't expect that your husband will be involved in this, just you. You can find someone near you by going either here: pregnancycenters.org or here: heartbeatinternational.org. The first one is mostly for the United States, and the second one is for the rest of the world.
Also ask them what resources are open to you if your husband does kick you out. Knowing you have an alternative can help.
Well, I have given you a lot to think about. Don't make any hasty decisions. Go to one of these organizations and hear what they have to say. As long as you don't do anything, you still have choices. But if you have an abortion, you no longer do.
Your baby is depending on you for your protection. Please protect your baby.
Hugs,
Pat
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