| Subject: Re: totally lost and confused just found about about pregnancy. |
Author:
Pat
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Date Posted: 11/11/08 4:58pm
In reply to:
mary f
's message, "totally lost and confused just found about about pregnancy." on 11/10/08 5:11pm
Hi, Mary,
I guess I'll qualify. :) I raised seven children. I also homeschooled them through high school. Feel free to pick my brain.
I can't tell you whether to parent or choose adoption. But if your boyfriend says he wants to keep the child, then it looks like you will be parenting.
Please know that being unhappy about being pregnant is fairly common in early pregnancy. It's a hormone thing. We women are pregnant nine months for a reason. It gives us time to prepare and welcome the baby, and most mothers do.
I can talk to you about the birth process if you will find that helpful. I studied midwifery for awhile. In preparation for the birth, get reasonable exercise, with your doctor's permission. Exercise that strengthens your heart will help you a lot with the birth. Birth is an athletic activity, and should be prepared for with that in mind. Also, use massage on your perineum. To do the massage, use a kneading motion as if you were kneading bread, and concentrate on the back. Good exercise includes walking and swimming. Swimming is outstanding exercise. During one of my pregnancies, I swam a mile twice a week. Learn how to relax the rest of your body when your uterus is contracting. There are classes that train women to do this. Some of these classes talk about pain, but I recommend you learn to interpret it as pressure. If your baby is alert during birth, she or he will help by getting into a comfortable position that will make birth easier. Talk to midwives and doulas. If you can have a doula, that's very helpful. I recommend homebirth and birthing centers. It is less likely to cause undue intervention. Choose your doctor carefully. Find one that is popular with La Leche League members. Caesarians are done way too often, and that's good for neither of you. If you can find a doctor who is reluctant to do them, you are better off. Try to have a birth as unmedicated as possible. You can learn various techniques to alleviate pain, and you should do everything you can to avoid unnecessary interventions. If you write on the admission form that you must approve all treatments, then this will help. You don't HAVE to do everything they say.
As for being able to parent, I can give you some suggestions. First of all, plan to breastfeed. This will give you a chance to develop a stronger bond with your baby, and will also give you a healthier baby. (Ask the pediatrician if you can avoid some of the immunizations, too, because this can make a difference; some of them can cause problems). All your baby needs at first is love, lots of touching, warmth and shelter, and caretaking.
As your baby grows, establish good discipline. Make sure that your rules are reasonable (don't sweat the small stuff, and baby-proof your home), and enforce them consistently. Whether or not you use spanking is an individual decision. Spanking should be done only on the buttocks, and should only be a few swats (decided in advance). Don't yield to the temptation to spank until the child cries. They will learn to manipulate you. There are other ways if that is what you prefer. Always discipline without passion, and love your child unconditionally. Show love after the discipline is done. Explaining to a very young child doesn't help much. Poor discipline is probably the major reason why children become obnoxious and off-putting. Poor discipline is a sign of lack of love. It's a form of neglect. After awhile, children will push because they want the discipline. They know that you know the rules, and they want you to teach them. When your baby is young, he may get fussy. One of the best remedies is to put your child in a sitting position, and let his chest rest on your hand. This is calming for some reason. If there is a problem that causes fussiness, investigate. Breastfeeding makes a huge difference. And if there is still a problem, herbal remedies might help. As a last resort, ask the doctor for help. It is best NOT to give your child too many material possessions. Don't substitute possessions for love. Choose toys that encourage cognitive development. Children are better off with mild adversity than with completely wonderful conditions; they need to develop fortitude, and they won't do that if you give them the perfect environment. So don't worry about producing the perfect environment. You are human, and children are resilient. Allow yourself to make mistakes. You will. But again, your child is better off if things are NOT perfect.
Play with your baby. You can do this even before birth. Your baby will move, and you will feel movement, and you can then push on your baby's foot and things like that. Play good music for your baby (best to use classical), and talk to your baby. I can go into detail on various methods for helping with cognitive development.
One of the things I do right after birth is offer my baby the opportunity to reach and grasp. Most attractive is a red ring that the baby can put his hand around. Babies will do this immediately or within days. Also, I found that if you hold your baby in a sitting position with his chest resting on your hand, you can stroke his back, and he will straighten it and tighten the muscles. You can use this same technique on other muscles of the body. This will result in earlier muscular development including walking. One of my granddaughters was standing straight with only light support of one hand at 3 months! Read to your baby. In fact, you can read to him or her before birth, and if you read the same story every day, your baby will recognize it after birth. The same with a favorite piece of music. Obviously, read other things as well, and play and sing other music. Your baby will already have the beginnings of speech in your native language by the time of birth, and will recognize your voice. After birth, immerse your baby in an atmosphere of good music, and reading and talking (normal talking, not baby talk). Here is a good web page about the cognitive development of babies:
http://birthpsychology.com/
You can also give your baby an excellent vocabulary by showing him or her pictures in catalogs and naming them, naming the fruits and vegetables in the grocery store, and so forth. Wear your baby on your body in a sling. It will help both of you.
This is an adventure like no other. You are scheduled for joy. Allow yourself to let go and experience it. Take one day at a time. You'll be fine. My sister originally didn't want children, but she ended up planning four. People do change their minds.
As for your career, obviously, you will want to continue with that. I don't know if you will be able to take your baby to work with you, but look into it. If there aren't any provisions, you may be able to get them to allow you to try, provided you keep your baby occupied so that he or she isn't disruptive. If not, there are groups that may help intercede for you. And you may find that your career might take an interesting and beneficial turn. Think outside the box. If you have to have a babysitter or day care, choose wisely, and breastfeed when you are not at work. You can pump or express milk if you want.
I hope all this helps.
Hugs,
Pat
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