Re: don't know where to turn -- Unplanned Pregnancy Advice Board

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Subject:

Re: don't know where to turn

Author:
Melanie

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Date Posted: 01/16/09 9:47pm
In reply to: jane 's message, "don't know where to turn" on 01/14/09 10:43am

Wow, your boyfriend is in a tough place in that he now has to decide if he really has some committment to you, or not. It's funny how pregnancy tests people that way sometimes.

The truth is that if you keep your baby, and there are repercussions to your boyfriend, then that is NOT your fault. He was a willing partner, and pregnancy is one of the things that happens. It isn't your fault, nor is it the fault of your baby.

I think it is really sweet of you to be concerned for him and his family. He should likewise be concerned for you and not ask you to do something that will bring both harm to you and harm to the child that is part of you both.

Has he ever said what he plans to do with your relationship? Was the plan to go on indefinitely hiding things? The problem with that sort of secrets is that they usually do come out somehow at one time or another. More than likely you are only prolonging the inevitable by having an abortion.

One thing that can come of this is that he will also have to make some tough choices, and they are probably things he should have decided long before now. You are not responsible for what he has chosen to do. You cannot predict or be responsible for how others react. You can be responsible in how you react.

It is not wrong for you to want to keep your baby. It's natural.

Seek out whatever support you can find. If I can help you find that in some way, please let me know.

--Melanie

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Replies:

[> Subject: Re: don't know where to turn

Author:
Sharon
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Date Posted: 01/19/09 11:51am

Jane,

I'm hoping I choose the right words...I deeply feel for what you are going through right now. Because of what you've already been through, you know how difficult an abortion can be on a relationship. It's unusual that a relationship survives an abortion. Usually, there are very deep currents of resentment, pain, and sorrow that create tremendous stress and make it hard for a relationship to survive. It sounds like in many ways you've been the one who has had to "swallow" your feelings and "make everything all right". That's a terrible burden.

I believe you need to listen to your heart. It sounds like the first abortion has weighed heavily on you. While there is nothing you can do to go back and change previous events, you have a new chance to stand up for yourself and your child. True, it may be something your boyfriend doesn't support. But, if he truly loves you, he will come around to realizing that you protected his child as well. If you have another abortion to make him happy, you will once again be embarking down a road where you are having to compromise the very deepest parts of yourself (your desire to protect your child) in order to make everything ok in the relationship. If you don't have the abortion, it may create conflict in the relationship. But, that will pass. And, most importantly, you will have your child.

I know it is very hard (especially since you've already had an abortion) to look at the pictures of what abortion actually does and how developed the fetus actually is during those early weeks of gestation, but it is important to be honest with ourselves. Sometimes acknowledging the pain of realizing what we've done is the only way we move forward. And, it might empower you to stand up to those around you who want to have you abort because it is essentially easier on them if you do. I know there are a few websites out there that provide access to those very difficult pictures.

I almost aborted my first child because my boyfriend wanted me to. I changed my mind and cancelled the appointment. My son just recently had his first son. It is chilling and humbling to realize that I held both of their lives in my hands when I made "my" choice nearly 30 years ago...

I'll say a prayer for you.

Sharon