Author:
Sharon
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Date Posted: 08/22/06 9:37am
Shelby,
What I'm seeing as I read your posts and the replies from the other women is that the women on this board have the benefit of being older and wiser and have seen many things in their lives (some of them having been victimized themselves.) Their hearts break for you because they can see that you are having to deal with the world around you and the circumstances you find yourself in with the reasoning of a child who has been abused. I know you love your father - and I know you believed him when he told you the lie that that was the way fathers showed their love to their daughters. And I know he may in fact love you, but he HAS to know that most certainly is NOT the way fathers are SUPPOSED to show their love for their daughters. What he did was supremely selfish - he not only used you for his pleasure but he basically ruined your ability to experience 1) a healthy relationship with your father and 2) a healthy sense of sexuality that you might one day experience with your husband. The women on this board - some of us having survived abuses by males when we, too, were children - are seeing what so often happens in the cases of physical, sexual, and emotional abuse: the victim comes to see themselves as responsible (for not telling, for not fighting, for not resisting, for maybe somehow "inviting" the abuse by being too pretty or too loving - whatever) because it's just TOO PAINFUL to see a person who supposedly loves you psychologically HURT you. It's actually easier - and somehow makes the world appear to be a safer place - if the victim feels he or she is somehow responsible for the abuse. Then, at least, the world sort of "makes sense". But, this was senseless what happened to you. And, unfortunately, all too common.
So, I know it sounds like we're maybe coming down heavy on you by thinking your dad might be violent and warning you to seek some sort of refuge. But, normal people can do irrational things when they feel truly threatened. And, your dad has shown that HE can rationalize using you, so it at least sounds plausible that he MIGHT rationalize coercing you to abort (by saying you'll ruin the family, or he'll get rid of your horses, or whatever).
I was abused by a medical student who was renting a room from us when I was 5 years old. I told my parents about it, but my father was afraid that if word got out (this was back in 1965) that it would somehow impact people's perception of me. He was afraid it would somehow be an embarrassment to the family and me. So, they let him continue to live in our house. I don't remember any more incidents happening, but I do know I get chills when I go in a particular room where he used to live (and not where the incident I remember occured) - so it may be that I'm burying other memories. When I grew to be an adult, I found that memories of what was done to me haunted my normal sexual activity with my spouse. It made me angry that this man was able to continue to impact my life and affect me during the most intimate moments. It was very fustrating. But, more importantly, I knew that after graduation, he went on (I thought) to become a pediatrician! I felt EXTREMELY guilty for not having said something (even though I was a child and couldn't have been expected to have said something to the authorities) because I knew my silence might indirectly be responsible for some OTHER child being victimized by him. (I later found out that he changed his speciality, becoming a gynocologist instead.) It wasn't until I was in my early 30's that I thought of a way to what felt like "make things right". I found out where he was practicing and I called the office of social services there. I gave them my name and told them what had happened to me back in 1965. I explained that I knew the statute of limitations had long since run out for my particular case, but I told them I wanted them to keep my story on record in case they ever heard of any OTHER charges being brought against him. That way, they could know that sort of activity had been going on since he was a young man. It might bolster a case for another child, helping them prove he was guilty. Once I did that, miraculously the haunting images left.
I hope and pray that you will save our posts and perhaps read them when you are in your 20s or 30s and that they might help you to heal and to KNOW in your heart that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING you could have POSSIBLY done to be any ANY WAY responsible for the sexual abuse you've withstood (even though that's extremely hard to believe right now, at your age.) It's a testimony to the strength of the human spirit that you've survived. But, surviving is only part of the battle. Healing is the other part...and that will take time and perspective that perhaps you won't gain until you're much older.
So, please don't feel attacked by us...our heart goes out to you in this extremely challenging time. And we are all SO proud of you and happy for you that you've decided to bring your little one into the world. It's not going to be easy, but we will be praying and cheering for you the whole way!
God bless you.
Sharon
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