| Subject: UNAIRED FULL HOUSE EPISODE |
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-chuckie22-
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Date Posted: 20:51:54 05/10/02 Fri
The Sodomizing Stick
Episode 489
Full House
(DJ is eating Michelle’s cake.)
DJ: Mmm…your cake is good, Michelle.
Michelle: Get your mouth outta my cake. It’s for Uncle Jesse’s “return to Paris” party.
DJ: Michelle, bite me, you squirrelfisting anal belch…
Michelle: Bite you? I’m tellin’ Dad…
(Michelle walks into the living room. She spots Joey and her dad doing something unfamiliar.)
Michelle: Daddy, why do you have your pee-pee in Uncle Jesse’s poo hole? That doesn't go there...
Danny Tanner: HOLY SHIT! You're not supposed to be here! Go...make a cake or something, dammit! We've got important business to do here, now get outta here you dirty slut!
Michelle: Dad, DJ told me to-
Danny Tanner: Michelle, I don’t care if DJ told you to bite her!!! You don’t interrupt Joey and Daddy’s talks…especially when they’re in pure darkness, and involve sentilating moaning and lots of squishy noises.
Michelle: (tear) I’m sorry, Daddy.
Danny Tanner: Oh…(puts his dick away) I can’t stay mad at you
(Long fuzzy moment….Hug…shitty piano music…blah blah)
(Michelle leaves and Danny goes back to triangling Joey.)
DJ: So, ittle bitty baby, did Dad get ever so mad at me?
Michelle: No, but he did say he fucked your boyfriend Steve in his dirty little shithole…
DJ: But Steve was a jock. He was totally into me…He loved my snatch…I gave it to him every night…
(Stephanie enters, hand on hip, head COCKED to the side.)
Stephanie: (Hand on hip, head COCKED) Are you two fighting again.......?
Michelle: (with angel look and hands behind back) OH of course not! I was just telling DJ what a rancid cunt she had…and then she said stuff about letting Steve go diving in it…
Stephanie: I did too…but what does Steve love more than puss-puss?
DJ: GASP food…and I’m not rancid, Michelle, I douche regularly.
Stephanie: Yeah, I’m the one who never douches, but Steve still loved my shit. It was all well-groomed…and I have a little sack that hangs out…
DJ: Steph, that’s fucked up.
Stephanie: About as fucked up as Dad being a sodomy freak…
DJ: That’s true…We’ve got to cure Dad’s addiction to sodomy. And what a perfect place to do it…here in Gay Par-eee.
Michelle: We should un-addict him before Uncle Jesse gets back. It would be a nice present.
DJ: Yeah, Uncle Jesse would love to be around his family without Dad constantly trying to get into his leather pants.
Stephanie: So, that’s our goal? To cure Dad’s addiction to sodomy?
DJ: No, that’s you and Michelle’s goal. My goal is to get fucked by the top comedian in Paris.
Stephanie: But, Deej, the top comedian in Paris is-
(They all look around…except for DJ who has a maniacal shit-eating grin on her face.)
DJ: Joey Gladstone…
Michelle: You want Joey to put his hoo hoo dinger into your cha cha?
DJ: That’s the plan, runt. Small fry. Tiny. Microbe. Dweeb. Scumbag. Shitfister.
Michelle: Hey! Don’t call me a microbe!
Stephanie: Yeah…only I can call her a microbe…(grabs a basketball from the shelf and dribbles it like a generic 80’s show would do) C’mon, aren’t you gonna steal the ball from me?
Michelle: (trying to steal the ball) Awww, c’mon, Stephanie, why can’t you just let me have it?
Stephanie: Cuz that would be too easy…Just steal the God damn thing…
Michelle: No, you steal this…(Michelle pulls down her pants to reveal her tight underdeveloped pre-pubescent disfigured mantrout of a puss-puss.)
(Danny walks in with sperm and jizz and cum and white swallow on his face.)
Danny Tanner: Girls, girls, girls, what is this jibba jabba? (licks lips) Michelle, why are you shootin’ yer poonanner off at your sisters?
Michelle: They took the ball, and they wouldn’t let me have it.
Danny Tanner: What the hell is a basketball doing on the 42nd floor of a Paris hotel?
Michelle: I don’t know, but I wanted it.
Stephanie: But you didn’t have to provide us with a view of your tongo, did you?
Michelle: (in tears) yes…
Danny Tanner: (sympathetic) Awww, Michelle…(puts her on his lap…and gets a hard-on) Everytime someone does something to you, you can’t just pull out your vachingo and expect everything to get better…
Michelle: (still crying) But that’s what Mom did.
Stephanie: (in tears too) I miss mom.
DJ: (in tears) I do too.
Stephanie: (in tears also) Me too.
Michelle: (in tears as well) Don’t forget about me.
DJ: (in tears AGAIN!) I miss mom too.
Danny Tanner: Well, I know. I miss Mom too. And, yes, every time someone made your mother angry, she would pull out her hairmutton, but look what happened. She ended up with three kids, and then she died. And not just any death…a long gruesome painful one…with diseases and cancer and diseases and long rigorous hours of having things shoved up your ass…And then finally one day she exploded in a gas station fire. So, Michelle, do you want to end up like your mother?
Michelle: No…but I know she wanted the best for me…
Danny Tanner: Of course she did…
Michelle: Yeah…
(Long silence, hugs, even a kiss)
Michelle: Dad?
Danny Tanner: Yes, hun?
Michelle: Why are you addicted to sodomy?
Danny Tanner: (GASP) Why, I never! (Smacks Michelle in the face with a broom) How could you sink so low, Michelle? I am not a sodomy addict…
Michelle: (in more tears, Does this bitch ever stop crying?) Daddy, it’s not right! You need help! You can’t just go around putting your Will Smith into other’s tubes. That’s wrong! You need help!
Stephanie: She’s right, dad!
Danny Tanner: You stay outta this, Steph. Your vaginal belt may be well-groomed and undouched, but this is between me and the little runt! Now, Michelle, tell Daddy why you think he’s a sodomic freak!
Michelle: Because you like to insert your boxcutter into guy’s rectums, Dad!
Danny Tanner: No, I don’t! I just do that for ratings on my hit show “Wake Up San Francisco”! (thumbs up to the camera, smile, teeth glitter)
DJ: But, Dad, we’re not in San Franciso, we’re in Paris…
Danny Tanner: (Turns around with fury) Deej, you shriveled up monkey’s scrotum, STAY OUT OF THIS!! This has nothing to do with you!
DJ: Yes, it has everything to do with me…Face it, Dad, you’re addicted to sodomy…
Danny Tanner: I will not face it…I am not addicted.
(Joey enters.)
Joey: (in Popeye voice) What’s all this commotion? Akukukukuk…
Danny Tanner: The girls are telling me I need help with my sodomy addiction, which I don’t have!!!
Joey: Actually, Danny, you do…Your sodomy addiction is terrible…Today, you even stuck your Bullwinkle into my Popeye…
Danny Tanner: And you didn’t like it?
Joey: No, I loved it, but when you got to my prostate glands, I thought “Jesus, this guy really is addicted to sodomy…and Danny is, too…”
Danny Tanner: So, you all are suggesting I get help?
All in Unison: Yes.
DJ: You’ll be a better man when you’re not trying to be a clamsniffing assfucker…
Danny Tanner: All right, I know the hardest part is admitting you have an addiction, but, let’s face it, I do…but it’s no worse than Stephanie’s addiction to clit piercing…or Michelle’s sudden interest in ice sculpting, or DJ’s love of queefing.
Stephanie: Dad, those aren’t addictions, those are hobbies. We only do those three times a day…You sodomize on an hourly basis…
Danny Tanner: All right, I get it…I’m an asshole that sodomizes assholes…but how do I get better? (desperately gay face)
DJ: Counseling…and lots of it.
Michelle: Yeah, they’ll start you off on a strict sodomy-free regiment…
Danny Tanner: Okay, I can do that. I can live without sodomy. This will not get me down. I’ll pass this with flying colors.
DJ: Good attitude, dad…
Danny Tanner: Thanks, hun…
(Group hug, a huge array of cuteness, a giant “awwwwwwwwww” from the audience, more like awwwwwwdience…haha)
Danny Tanner: So, Joey, wanna go play “Find My Penis in Your Ass”?
Stephanie: No, dad, you can’t do that anymore…
Joey: Awwww, and I wanted an asspounding…
Danny Tanner: This is gonna be harder than I thought…
(They all shrug and the camera fades to a shot of the hotel later…Apparently, it’s the next day. Jesse is due to arrive in three days.)
DJ: (reading a French magazine) Aha! I have it!
Stephanie: What? Crabs?
DJ: Yes…and a solution to Dad’s addiction. Read this.
(DJ hands Stephanie the magazine.)
Stephanie: (Reading) Looking for a nice time with a busty babe? A beautifully feminine, but not too feminine, piece of ass for your pleasure and enjoyment. (looks up)
Michelle: A manly French whore? Why, that’s perfect! Just manly enough to keep Dad satisfied, but fully equipped with a twat!
DJ: Yep…it’s all good…
Stephanie: Here’s the number to call. You do it, Deej, you’re the only one who knows the numbers.
DJ: All right. (picks up phone and dials number, waits a few seconds, and then has a fake conversation with a fake phone, conveniently repeating everything the person on the opposite end said.) Ahhh, hello, is this the manly French whore? (waits)Great! (waits) We were wondering about our dad. Well, he’s kind of addicted to sodomy. (waits) Oh, you could? (waits) That’s great! (waits) Saturday? That’s perfect! (waits) All right, see you then. (hangs up phone)
Stephanie: Don’t bullshit me, Deej…you weren’t talking to anyone…
DJ: I know…I don’t know my numbers either. We’ll have to ask Joey.
Michelle: You always want to ask Joey. Is it cuz you want his hot manslice?
DJ: Yeah, his Woodchuck voice makes me hot!
Stephanie: I guess it is pretty sexy.
DJ: You stay away, bitch…he’s my noncreative multi-voiced bad acting comedian!
Stephanie: Fine, Deej…go fuck him…I hope your babies are retarded.
Michelle: I think Joey’s babies would be retarded with anyone as a mother.
DJ: And I think Michelle smells like a freshly queefed cunt…
Michelle: (Flips off DJ) I don’t smell like a freshly queefed cunt. I smell like flowers. Daddy told me so…
DJ: Dad must be talking about the freshly queefed cuntflower.
Michelle: Leave me alone, DJ! (stomps) Don’t make me show you my stubbled Nancy!!
DJ: Go ahead…show off your bush, but you know you’ll just get another talk from Dad…
Michelle: What if I like those talks?
DJ: You only like them because they always end in hugs and ice cream…
Michelle: No, I like them because I have an affinity for important lessons.
DJ: You have an affinity for being a little shitfaced cumguzzler!
Stephanie: Once again, that’s me…I’m the shitfaced cumguzzler…I like being shat upon my face, and I guzzle and gurgle cum…for fun.
DJ: Steph, stay outta this, you little virgin puckering asshole!
Stephanie: Don’t be a powerbitch, Deej, you’re nothing more than a pebble on my path to being the-
DJ: Ball-draining Cum Queen?
Stephanie: Exactly…so fuck off! (leaves the room)
DJ: We’re getting nowhere…We’re gonna have to work together to cure Dad’s sodomy addiction…
Michelle: Even though you’re a dildosmuggling cuntsmasher, DJ, I’m willing to work together…
DJ: And I’m willing to work with you despite the fact you’re a skin-flute-extraordinaire…
(They hug and have hardcore sex right on the table.)
(The scene cuts to the next room.)
Danny Tanner: (reading the paper) Those girls have something planned. I know them…and they’re planning a way for this addiction to go away.
Joey: Yes, and (in cartoonish voice) I’m sure it will be a great plan. (changes voices) You know how those girls always come up with great plans that always work….no matter what.
Danny Tanner: Wait, Joey, their plans never work…They always backfire and end up hurting someone very close…like Kimmy.
Joey: Fuck Kimmy.
Danny Tanner: Already did. Twice.
Joey: Me too. Her pussy was like a cemetery.
Danny Tanner: Yeah, there were lots of dead things in it.
Joey: Yeah, I’m glad we didn’t bring her to Paris with us.
Danny Tanner: Yeah, me too…but I wish I could have brought Betsy…
Joey: Betsy?
Danny Tanner: She’s this transvestite I met on the set of the show. She wanted my cock, and it was during a commercial, so I took her to my trailer and had my way with her…
Joey: And what way was that?
Danny Tanner: I took it up the ass…
Joey: Yeah, I thought so.
Danny Tanner: Then I delivered it up the ass…
Joey: Yep, kinda like you did to me, huh?
Danny Tanner: Very similar to that…yes…
Joey: That’s sodomy, Danny. You’re addicted. You need help.
Danny Tanner: Yeah, we’ve covered that all…and I want help. I don’t want my family to hate me just because I’m into weird kinky sex.
Joey: They don’t hate you, Dan-dan, they just like you better when you’re not putting your Danny No-glover into guy’s rectum areas…
Danny Tanner: I think I understand…but still, sodomy is a very important thing in my life…and I can’t give up all the years I put into perfecting it.
Joey: If you love it so much, you should be able to control it…Look at me, I can control my cartoon voices. (switches randomly between cartoon voices)
Danny Tanner: Yeah, I guess you’re right. Sodomy addictions are similar to cartoon voices…
Joey: In so many ways…(offers high five, Danny accepts)
Danny Tanner: So I can’t fuck your shithole then?
Joey: Despite the fact that I want you to tear the hell out of it, you can’t.
Danny Tanner: Not even once…
Joey: Not until you’re cured. Then you can do it in moderation…
Danny Tanner: Oh, boy, I can’t wait…
Joey: I can’t either.
Danny Tanner: I especially love when you do those high pitched cartoon yelps when I take it to your heinie…
Joey: What cartoon yelps?
(The camera cuts back to Stephanie sitting on a bed with her Mr. Bear stuffed animal.)
Stephanie: Mr. Bear, am I really a slut like DJ believes me to be? (pauses and expects answer from Mr. Bear) Who cares if I let any guy fuck me? I just love the feeling. I even like it when you put your furry arm into my muzzy. (Stephanie looks around and places Mr. Bear’s arm into her pants.) Give it to me, you trench-coated bear stud!
DJ: (walks by room) Steph, who are you talking to?
Stephanie: (throws Mr. Bear aside and buttons up pants) Oh, no one…just thinking aloud…
DJ: Do you say “Give it to me, you trench-coated bear stud!” when you’re thinking aloud?
Stephanie: Ummm….yes, all the time.
DJ: Okay…(walks off)
Stephanie: She’d never understand…(picks up Mr. Bear and picks up where she left off) Oh, that’s the g-spot, Mr. Bear, you’re a pro!
DJ: (Comes back into room in the middle of Stephanie’s commotion) Steph, I forgot to say – GASP – What the fuck?! You are a slut!
Stephanie: (in shock, throws Mr. Bear across the room, his arm drenched in liquid) Deej! I wasn’t doing anything…
DJ: You were letting that bear manually please you! I saw it! Wait until I tell your friend Gia about this.
Stephanie: Dammit, Deej, nothing was happening! And Gia’s not my friend…our friendship was broken that time we were in the bathroom and she accepted a cigarette and I wouldn’t smoke one because I was a pussy.
DJ: So you’re both a pussy and a bear slut!! What’s next?! Me finding you having sex with some random Paris yokel?
Stephanie: No, that was yesterday’s adventure. Today’s involves eels and lots of sweaty gay supermodels.
DJ: Oh, you really are a slut…I can’t cure Dad’s addiction if I have to babysit a whore like you! I guess you’re just not into helping Dad.
Stephanie: No, I want to help him! I want to help him more than you!
DJ: Oh, is that a challenge?!
Stephanie: I guess it is!
DJ: Fine! If you cure Dad’s addiction before I do, I’ll stop calling you a slut, and I’ll do the dishes for a week!
Stephanie: Fine!
DJ: But if I win, you’ve got to do the dishes, and you’ve got to put in a good word about me with Joey!
Stephanie: Fine, Deej, but you’re going down!!
DJ: Kinda like Mr. Bear going down on you?
Stephanie: He never did that! He only fingered- (GASP, covers mouth)
DJ: So, you were fucking around with that bear?! I’m calling Gia!
(DJ runs out fast…Stephanie follows…in pissed off mode…)
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