Re: What can I do? -- Angelic Whispers and Reflections Forum

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Date Posted: 21:23:33 08/14/04 Sat
Author: Deborah Dimitrov
Subject: Re: What can I do?
In reply to: Debbie Conner 's message, "What can I do?" on 16:13:14 06/27/04 Sun

Hi;
I lost my 20 year old son in 1993 under similar circumstances. The sense of loss is as great today as it was 11 years ago. I have two other children. They have since graduated university, married and have children of their own. The joy of each moment was tinged with a little sadness because these events were all things our son would never experience.
I think it is important to understand that there is nothing you can say that will ease their burden. Their hardests days are yet to come. At first you just try to survive from breath to breath. Christmas, his birthday and any other family holiday are going to be incredibly painful for them. At Christmas I buy or make a gift for a needy child and donate it in his name.
The weeks leading up to and including the aniversary of his death will be almost unbearable. Note the date but don't phone. Instead send some flowers with a note to let them know you remember. They will call you if they need company. Take your lead from them. Be there if they want you to be but let them be alone if this is their wish. Let them know you will not be offended if they want to be alone. All I wanted was solitude for months so that I could try to come to terms with what happened. Instead, I spent a lot of time trying to comfort friends and relatives. I was painfully aware of how worried they were about my well being and I covered up my own needs to tend theirs. If ever there is a time a human being has a right to be selfish this is it.
Don't shy away from conversations about him particularly in the months and years that follow his death. It will make them feel good to hear his name in conversation. All they have are memories now and it will confort them to hear others remember too. If you know a funny story tell it to them, often. Laughter mixes well with the tears. Know and accept that they will greive for him indefinitely.
Six months, a year down the road, they will probably bring his name up in conversation often. This is a `normal' way of re affirming that their child existed and had a place on this earth. Be patient and add your own memories to their conversation. I found that a lot of people didn't know how to respond or worse yet felt that we should be over `it.'
One wonderful thing you could do for them right now would be to compile a book of photographs and memories from his friends and relatives. Ask his friends to write or video record their memories of their son. Check around to see if anyone has any home movies or graduation videos which he may be in and get copies for your friends. We have about 20 minutes of video recording of our son in later years. It is one of our most precious possessions. Our son was `camera shy' and we had very few recent pictures of him. One of his friends gave us about 25 pictures of him from a party he attended just prior to his death. We enjoy them every day.
Your friends are very blessed to have someone who cares enough to seek ways to help them through this.
God Bless You;
Deborah

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Replies:

Re: What can I do? -- Karen, 13:37:16 11/30/04 Tue