The following comes from the folks who do the "Darwin Awards," a compilation of people who manage to kill themselves (or come evry close) while doing magnificiently stupid things. These people are formerly living proof of Darwinism and the belief that the less qualified members of a group die off or are killed off to assure the survival of the fittest.

The Darwin Awards folks believe that there are people with computers who represent a danger to themselves and others. They are obviously right in those assumptions. They went to the technical support groups of major computer manufacturers and software firms to glean stories about real life technical support calls they have gotten over the years. Some of these stories have been around for a while, but some of them are more recently added to what I prefer to call "The Annals of Anuses." Remember, every one of these stories has been verified as true. For me, knowing that such people walk the same planet as I do scares the daylights out of me. It should scare you equally. We let these people drive automobiles on our public thoroughfares, operate heavy machinery, handle our financial transactions, care for us when we are ill, care for or educate our children, vote, protest in the streets, entertain us and do many things that represent a clear and present danger to us all.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the flood of calls they receive almost daily asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complain that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, they learned that the customer labeled diskettes, then rolled them into the typewriter to type the labels.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered that the man had been trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told that Egghead was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his bathtub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing each of them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech had to explain repeatedly that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses should not be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response? "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say that her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she had unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. 1st Person: "Do you know anything about this fax-machine?"


2nd Person: "A little. What's wrong?"


1st Person: "Well, I sent a fax, and the recipient called back to say all she received was a cover-sheet and a blank page. I tried it again, and the same thing happened."


2nd Person: "How did you load the sheet?"

1st Person: "It's a pretty sensitive memo, and I didn't want anyone else to read it by accident, so I folded it so only the recipient would open it and read it."

13. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp:

Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"

Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?"

Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?"

Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a cup holder?"

Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer."

Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?"

Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotion. It just has '4X' on it."

At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it and could no longer suppress his laughter. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!

Every one of these stories is certified to be true. Some people really are that dumb! Now, extrapolate for a moment. How many of these types do you think also say things like:


"The whole Clinton thing was wrong and just a right-wing plot to get rid of the greatest President we've ever had. It was all about sex and any man would lie about that. Any man who has a 20-year old girl offer it to him would jump at the chance..."

or

"The only reason George Bush wants to attack Iraq is to make money for his daddy and his friends from the oil..."

or

"The U. N. and the weapons inspectors need more time and only they will guarantee that Saddam Hussein is not hiding any weapons of mass destruction. Bush and his administration haven't proved that Saddam has those things or that he would use them..."

or

"Our government gives our citizens our freedoms..."

or

"We can't afford to take money away from the government to give tax cuts that disproportionately go mostly to the top 25% of taxpayers..."

If you can't see or comprehend just how idiotic each one of the last group of statements is on its face, don't ever call a Tech Support line unless you want to end up featured in a post like this some day or even become a finalist in the running for a Darwin Award.