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Subject: Re: iGnOrEd Author: Cameron [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ] Date Posted: 07:29:15 04/28/02 Sun In reply to: Suz 's message, "iGnOrEd" on 23:12:10 04/27/02 Sat Lots of raw power and some VERY strong emotion coming through. I can certainly identify with your subject matter. Like I have said before, philosophical self debate and poetry don't often make good bed-fellows, but you have achieved a certain style of "soliloquy" here that works. Although this poem stands well as it is, I would personally like to see a re-write that was a little less direct, using some tools like metaphor and simile to polish the delivery, for example : "I sit here alone. I sit here crying in pain." In context, gives me the feeling of being surrounded by strangers who don't care, it could become : Silently ignored, My existence a burning desert, Rain clouds gather in my eyes, But offer no relief from the heat. I don't mean to say that this is better than what you have written, but something to consider is why you write poetry. If it is for others to read then it needs to have some texture and colour in it, something that touches the readers imagination and creates imagery. This is a powerful tool that gets right inside the reader's head and sticks. All said and done it is a very personal thing, so please take my comments as constructive. And by the way, I agree totally with your last line! - Cameron [ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

Subject Author Date Re: iGnOrEd suz 11:51:01 04/28/02 Sun Re: iGnOrEd -- Cameron, 15:27:27 04/28/02 Sun Re: iGnOrEd -- Suz, 00:15:49 04/30/02 Tue