| Subject: The pub part 2 |
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Madjael and Namün
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Date Posted: 19:06:24 07/16/02 Tue
Madjael hadn't expected Namün to take his words so seriously, at least not enough to start crying. She let out small hiccupy sobs in between the odd strangled wail. He felt horrible.
He got off the ottoman and walked towards her awkwardly wrapping his arm round her shoulder.
"Please don't cry. I didn't mean it. I'm sorry. I..I.." he wasn't sure if there was anything he could say to comfort her - not being entirely sure why she was crying in the first place. "Please stop it Namün." he shook her shoulders gently, "I shouldn't have asked you here, I knew that I'd say something stupid. I always do." Madjael felt strange holding her. It was like he wouldn't be able to let go when he needed and he wished he could just hold her for a little while longer. Just for a bit.
She opened her mouth to reply, but crying had closed her throat and all that came out was another strangled sob.
Carefully, trying not to disturb her, Madjael eased his body down beside her and pulled her into his lap. He held her close and rocked her gently as if she were no more than a child. Well, in a way, she wasn't. He was so tall that when standing she didn't even reach his shoulder. At times his size seemed threatening, but right now the strong torso and powerful arms enfolding her felt safe, and safer than she'd felt in a long time. He could hold off the world for her.
The silence of the room was punctuated only by the crackling of the fire and Namün's stifled sobs. When her tears dried she still said nothing, but rested her head listlessly on his shoulder, remaining so still and so quiet for such a time he thought she must have fallen asleep.
"You didn't say anything stupid."
Her voice broke the silence suddenly. It was made hoarse by the rough passage of her crying, and deathly quiet by her despair, but the words carried far enough to reach his ears.
He hadn't said anything stupid? Madjael's mind was slightly blurred and vague. He could feel the heat from Namün sinking deeper into his skin, feel every tremor of her sobs and every fluttering beat of her heart. He tightened his arms around her, pulling her closer to him so he could smell the soft flowery scent that lingered about her. Madjael buried his fair head among her soft black hair, its touch light and gentle to his rough skin.
"If I said nothing stupid, then why is it you cry, Namün? I don't understand?" he murmured quietly, "I don't understand anything anymore. Namün?" Madjael added lifting his head from it's resting place. He lifted her face towards him studying her eyes questioningly.
"I hate this! I hate it that I'm hurting you so badly, and I hate it that I don't know how to put things right."
She pulled her head away and rested it against him again, adding grudgingly "I hate it when you're right as well."
Madjael wasn't quite sure what to say in reply to her outburst. Everything she said confused him, as though he didn't really know her but a different Namün. The one he knew was...stronger. Didn't say how she was feeling unless it was dragged out of her. It felt strange. For the second time he pulled Namün closer to him, gently stroking her hair.
"You're not hurting me. I'm hurting myself. It's not you. It's never been you and you know it as well as I do." He spoke quietly, half hoping she didn't hear him. "I'm sorry," he added, kissing the crown of her head, "I really am."
The despairing tone of his voice tore at her even more. No matter what he may say otherwise, she was the cause of his misery. She nestled against his body, playing with the buttons of his shirt with her small fingers. When she spoke, it was in a distant voice, as if she were talking from somewhere faraway in her mind.
"Do you remember the last argument we had, before I left? I threatened to leave. You said that I wouldn't...that I needed you.
I thought you were wrong. But I'm beginning to think that maybe you were right. And some part of me still needs you. I might be strong most of the time, but I'm not strong enough. Sometimes all I want is for someone to take care of me, and make me feel safe. I've never had that. That's why this is my fault. I can't bring myself to make a clean break from you. And it's destroying you."
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