| Subject: Pondering cancer |
Author:
Ben
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Date Posted: 00:20:18 12/29/02 Sun
In reply to:
Liz
's message, "Hi Ben" on 20:04:41 12/28/02 Sat
>I think that a lot of people are where we were 8
>months ago. At that point I was still hoping for a
>miracle, and I only wanted to hear success stories.
>John actually survived cancer when he was 3
>(nueroblastoma sp?), and the radiation they gave him
>in 1971 was quite a bomb and most likely caused his
>most recent cancer. To me he was already a miracle and
>it didn't seem like much of a stretch to get another
>one. SILLY ME!!!!
Well, it never really enters our mind that someone is actually going to die, I don't think. It's almost beyond our everyday comprehension. I'm not sure if we ever really comprehend it, to be honest.
>You're right about the strange reactions. I was very
>depressed as a young adult (early twenties) for
>absolutly no reason, and medication served me very
>well. When John got sick I talked to the doctor about
>eventually needing to go on disability because I
>figured if I can get depressed and anxious for no
>reason, this would blow me away completely. I guess
>the strong possibility that my family will fall apart
>has kept me together (ironic?) more or less. My
>younger sister is a different story; she has taken off
>to Italy to and is still miserable. She seems to think
>that if she gets away from us she can forget more
>easily. Never mind that she calls every other day,
>which is more than I heard from her when she lived
>nearby.
Yeah, that makes sense. I find that everyone has to deal with death in his or her own way. When someone gets self-destructive, you know they're not finding a healthy way, but otherwise, I think we have to let people find their path through the grief and help however we can. It makes total sense that you're staying together for your family... and perhaps that's a good thing. I know that, for myself at least, I'm only just now starting to really come to terms with what happened. I'm sure you'll go at your own best pace too. I've found that it is important to deal with it and not put it on the back burner. I let myself cry when necessary... I look at his picture... I talk to him... etc.
>I have been planning Christmas since John died. I told
>my mother that we need to do something completely
>different. Usually we have a cousin, uncle, and my
>grandmother visit us from Mexico and celebrate at
>home. This year I kind of dictated the following; we
>need to leave town, exchange NO presents, and invite
>any friend or family who wants to come along to Tahoe
>and spend christmas skiing. I just got back a couple
>of hours ago and I think it went really well. John
>LOVED to ski even though he was disabled (he was very
>athletic and was heavily involved with a local charity
>that sponsered athletic programs for disabled kids and
>adults). John and I had talked about how to coerce my
>mother into going to the snow for Christmas, so I know
>he would have loved this. No presents were exchanged.
It sounds like you were really proactive, which I think is very healthy. For myself, I just sort of let myself be depressed... not to the point that I was a jerk to other people around me, but I spent Christmas with my grandmother (my dad's mom) and my mom, and it was hard. My goal was just to survive this Christmas. Maybe next year I can have more of a specific game plan like you did for this one.
>I hate to admit this, but I tend to favor alcohol for
>the anxiety (my family is NOT aware of this). My
>doctor gave me ativan (sp?) when John was getting
>sicker and I still have some. I wonder if John is in
>the afterlife finding out what a loser I really am.
Yeah, alcohol is probably not a long-term tool you'll want to use for coping. I know... my dad was an alcoholic. If you get in the habit of using alcohol to ease the pain, it can easily turn into a very self-destructive addiction. I know you have to go through this your own way... just letting you know what I think as someone who's experiencing similar feelings. I think that prescription drugs, as a general rule, are a much better alternative, since they are given by a medical professional who hopefully knows your situation very well. They can be addictive too, but the danger is not nearly as high. The idea for me when I take those drugs is to get myself in a place where I can take positive steps toward not needing those drugs. I am working on a better exercise routine, better diet, and some spiritual routines that will hopefully get me to a place where I won't need the medicine. I think time will also help.
I see it kind of like going through a storm at sea... when a sailboat goes through a storm, they just worry about getting through it... they don't concentrate on what direction they're going or anything, only surviving the storm. They know that when the sun comes out, they can evaluate where they are and make plans. Right now, I'm surviving the storm.
>My Mother's family is very Catholic, but she isn't.
>She married my american father and moved here and
>neither of them gave us any religious instruction. I
>thought they were enlightened when I was younger, but
>now I kind of think it was a bad idea on their part.
Well, as much as you may doubt it now, I personally think it's best to let people find their own spiritual paths. It's good to give them guidance when they need it, and to share with them what has worked for you, but to let them know that whatever path they choose will be respected by you, so long as it isn't destructive.
>John was very scientific-minded. From an early age he
>had an interest in space. Even when he was in the
>hospital I would cut out articles on the latest and
>greatest Hubble discovery and make him explain it to
>me. Unfortunately while he was sick, he was at a loss
>for a bigger picture and this added to his stress (and
>mine). I have been reading up on near-death
>experiences, but I am having trouble believing any of
>it without a doubt, as badly as I want to. If I ever
>have kids, I will have to make sure I have a set of
>beliefs to pass on that will make it easier for them
>to deal with death.
Well, I'm not sure beliefs are the best thing either. People with strong beliefs have lots of trouble when people die. The fact is, when someone we love dies, it's like a part of us dies too, and it feels wrong. It feels like this hole inside us. I think you'd find that if your parents had given you a more rigid set of beliefs, you might not be any better off, and in fact could be worse off. It sounds like you're going through it in your own way, which is the best thing you can do. There is a spirituality to everything you're doing, even though you aren't involved in some formal religion.
It sounds like John and I would have gotten along well. I love science too.
>The worst part was hoping that one of the chemo's
>would turn out to be the one that will kill it.
Yeah, it's so difficult to know what to do when each decision you make could mean more or less life for that person. It's a bad position to be in, and you can't blame yourself if you do something that turns out badly.
>I find it very comforting as well. Thanks for doing
>this. I searched for a topic like this because I need
>to find someone who knows what this was like. I
>wouldn't wish it on anyone. I can't describe the fear.
>It still happens when I have dreams (nightmares) about
>John's treatments. If I had not found this, I don't
>think I would have had the courage to open up a board.
Well, for me it didn't take much courage... writing things out is one of my ways of processing things. That and music are both my main ways of dealing with stuff. So this is healthy for me even if no one ever reads my words (but I'm glad you are).
>My parents divorced in 1977. They actually supported
>eachother very well. My father's behavior got pretty
>bad as this progressed. He has some kind of mental
>problem. I have no idea what it is. His brother had a
>schizophrenic (sp?) episode when he was younger and I
>wonder if dad has a carrier gene. Dad was having
>paranoid fantasies about the doctor's intentions. He
>seems better now, but I have a problem with him for
>complicating the already-bad situation.
That's interesting. I think sometimes things like this hit people very hard, pushing them to and past their limits. Maybe your dad just got pushed past his limit.
>My friends are good, but I am afraid of being a downer
>to them, so I keep this to myself unless there is
>something specific I need to tell them. One of my
>friend's mother had ovarian cancer a couple of years
>ago (she was my roommate at the time), and my friend
>seemed to resent that it was not happening to me (I
>guess she doesn't feel so bad any more). I don't want
>to come off like that. I hate to disturb them with
>ugly stories. My boyfriend could have been a bigger
>help. On the whole, they want to help, but don't know
>how. I don't envy them. I just wish my sister was
>here.
Yeah, no one really knows how to help. It's usually best when they just listen, although I've taken a few morsels of advice that I've been given to heart, and they have helped me. I found a lot of truth in the book _Don't Sweat the Small Stuff... and it's all Small Stuff_. If you haven't read it, you might want to check it out.
>do you have siblings?
Nope, just me. My dad was an only child too, which made it all the more difficult. My grandmother lost her only son, and now I'm the only grandson to visit her. Lots of pressure.
Thanks again for writing so much and being so honest.
Talk to you soon,
Ben
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