| Subject: Hi Ben |
Author:
Liz
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Date Posted: 20:04:41 12/28/02 Sat
In reply to:
Ben
's message, "Hi Liz" on 02:14:53 12/28/02 Sat
>Liz,
>
>Good to see you back on the board. I was starting to
>wonder if this was a topic of interest to very many
>people at all.
I think that a lot of people are where we were 8 months ago. At that point I was still hoping for a miracle, and I only wanted to hear success stories. John actually survived cancer when he was 3 (nueroblastoma sp?), and the radiation they gave him in 1971 was quite a bomb and most likely caused his most recent cancer. To me he was already a miracle and it didn't seem like much of a stretch to get another one. SILLY ME!!!!
>
>No, that doesn't sound sick. My feeling is that it's
>important to grieve in whatever way makes sense to
>you, at least at first. I think if you get to a
>certain point and you see yourself unable to go on
>with life, it's time to get help, but for a while,
>it's kind of like just keeping your head above water.
>For myself, I thought very seriously about buying my
>dad a gift this Christmas. But when I actually went
>shopping, it didn't cross my mind. I think I was just
>trying to get the presents and go hom.
You're right about the strange reactions. I was very depressed as a young adult (early twenties) for absolutly no reason, and medication served me very well. When John got sick I talked to the doctor about eventually needing to go on disability because I figured if I can get depressed and anxious for no reason, this would blow me away completely. I guess the strong possibility that my family will fall apart has kept me together (ironic?) more or less. My younger sister is a different story; she has taken off to Italy to and is still miserable. She seems to think that if she gets away from us she can forget more easily. Never mind that she calls every other day, which is more than I heard from her when she lived nearby.
>Christmas has been kind of tough for me. How about
>you? I got a job being a waiter because I didn't want
>anything with much responsibility, and that has worked
>out well until now... just as Christmas got here, I
>found myself unable to work at all without feeling
>incredibly anxious. I went home several times, and
>ended up (tonight, actually) telling them I need some
>time off and that I'll come back when I can. I feel
>like I'm on the edge of some sort of breakdown, even
>though I've never been that kind of person, and I'm
>trying to respect what my mind and body are telling me.
I have been planning Christmas since John died. I told my mother that we need to do something completely different. Usually we have a cousin, uncle, and my grandmother visit us from Mexico and celebrate at home. This year I kind of dictated the following; we need to leave town, exchange NO presents, and invite any friend or family who wants to come along to Tahoe and spend christmas skiing. I just got back a couple of hours ago and I think it went really well. John LOVED to ski even though he was disabled (he was very athletic and was heavily involved with a local charity that sponsered athletic programs for disabled kids and adults). John and I had talked about how to coerce my mother into going to the snow for Christmas, so I know he would have loved this. No presents were exchanged. My mom's cousin and family came along (not a usual Christmas guest) and my uncle. It worked out very well because mom has never been to the snow. She was very distracted by the scenery. This may seem cold hearted, but my goal was to keep her from crying throughout the holiday. She cried when we moved John's stuff out of his apartment and it really made it impossible for me to concentrate on what we had to do.
>My anxiety is turned up to the point that it doesn't
>take much to push me over into severe anxiety land, so
>I have to be careful. It's frustrating, because I've
>always been a strong person, and I've never had a
>problem with anxiety before in my life. I found that
>running a couple of miles every two days was really
>helping me, but the cold weather has kept me from
>doing that, which I think may be a contributing factor
>to my increased anxiety.
>
I hate to admit this, but I tend to favor alcohol for the anxiety (my family is NOT aware of this). My doctor gave me ativan (sp?) when John was getting sicker and I still have some. I wonder if John is in the afterlife finding out what a loser I really am.
>As far as beliefs, that's a long story for me. In my
>younger days, I would have leaned on my fundamentalist
>Christian beliefs, but I have rejected those now, and
>haven't really found a spiritual path. I have
>considered Buddhism lately, as it doesn't necessarily
>involve any specific concept of God, but still has
>several traditions regarding the path that one can
>take in life. I know I don't want a formal religion
>ever again, but I think I'm leaning toward pursuing
>Buddhism in some form or fashion right now to give me
>some sort of direction.
My Mother's family is very Catholic, but she isn't. She married my american father and moved here and neither of them gave us any religious instruction. I thought they were enlightened when I was younger, but now I kind of think it was a bad idea on their part. John was very scientific-minded. From an early age he had an interest in space. Even when he was in the hospital I would cut out articles on the latest and greatest Hubble discovery and make him explain it to me. Unfortunately while he was sick, he was at a loss for a bigger picture and this added to his stress (and mine). I have been reading up on near-death experiences, but I am having trouble believing any of it without a doubt, as badly as I want to. If I ever have kids, I will have to make sure I have a set of beliefs to pass on that will make it easier for them to deal with death.
>
>I know what you mean. I still have trouble sometimes
>believing my dad is really gone. I guess in some
>sense, I've been in denial over these many months,
>even though I thought I had dealt with it.
The worst part was hoping that one of the chemo's would turn out to be the one that will kill it.
>Yeah, Christmas was very hard for me (and still is...
>tis the season). I think for now, you just need to do
>what feels right to you. No need to figure out what
>you're going to do in the years to come... just live
>day by day. Everyone says it will get easier with
>time.
No Christmas presents, not midnight mass, and absolutely NO thanking God for the wonderful year.
>You're not blabbering. That's why I made this message
>board. You're doing exactly what you're supposed to
>be doing here. :) Believe it or not, I find some
>comfort in the fact that you have experienced simliar
>feelings as I have. Something about not being alone
>in these feelings, I guess.
I find it very comforting as well. Thanks for doing this. I searched for a topic like this because I need to find someone who knows what this was like. I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I can't describe the fear. It still happens when I have dreams (nightmares) about John's treatments. If I had not found this, I don't think I would have had the courage to open up a board.
>My mom is okay... she and my dad divorced when I was
>seven, but, interestingly enough, she took him into
>her home and took care of him as he was declining. We
>had to put him in a nursing home at the very end, but
>I don't know what we would have done without her.
My parents divorced in 1977. They actually supported eachother very well. My father's behavior got pretty bad as this progressed. He has some kind of mental problem. I have no idea what it is. His brother had a schizophrenic (sp?) episode when he was younger and I wonder if dad has a carrier gene. Dad was having paranoid fantasies about the doctor's intentions. He seems better now, but I have a problem with him for complicating the already-bad situation.
>My friends are understanding, yes. I have wonderful
>friends. Tell me more about you.
My friends are good, but I am afraid of being a downer to them, so I keep this to myself unless there is something specific I need to tell them. One of my friend's mother had ovarian cancer a couple of years ago (she was my roommate at the time), and my friend seemed to resent that it was not happening to me (I guess she doesn't feel so bad any more). I don't want to come off like that. I hate to disturb them with ugly stories. My boyfriend could have been a bigger help. On the whole, they want to help, but don't know how. I don't envy them. I just wish my sister was here.
do you have siblings?
>Ben
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