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Date Posted: 00:38:08 05/27/02 Mon
Author: -.-
Subject: By golly, George...

One skill that pResident Bush does seem to possess is doling out "clever" nicknames to those people he encounters regularly, including his family (his wife, first lady Laura Bush, is "First"), Cabinet members (Defense Secretary Donald Rumsfeld is "Rummy," Secretary of State Colin Powell is "Balloonfoot"), journalists in the White House press corps (New York Times columnist Maureen Dowd is "Cobra"), key figures on Capitol Hill (House Speaker Dennis Hastert is "Speak") and even those pesky foreign heads-of-state whose names he can't remember (Russian president Vladimir Putin is "Ostrich Legs").

Well, perhaps by harnessing this "talent," there might be a simple way to comfortably ease the pResident? into the circle of nations, a method as elementary as a political "Hooked on Phonics."

Call it the Chris Berman-ization of international politics, after the ESPN broadcaster who also likes to give creative nicknames to athletes on the highlight parade. If Berman can dub players Derek "Liberty" Bell or Jose "Can You See" Canseco, why wouldn't there be room for "Swinging" Chad or "Mary Tyler" Mauritania?

Not only will this device dramatically reduce potentially embarrassing Bushian malapropisms & help us & him actually to steer clear of impending international incidents, but it could also foster better relations with our fellow nations.

What international leader's heart would not be warmed were Dubya to affectionately refer to his or her state by a nickname (like "Edgar Allen" Poland) in a press conference, as opposed to some stodgy ol' "federated republic of whatever"? We all just might sleep better at night, too.

The following nicknames should help the pResident begin to find his mark on the world stage :

"You've Got" Mali
"Help Me" Rwanda
"Head" Laos
"Milk of" Malaysia
"Cold" Turkey
"Elbow" Greece
"Shake" Djibouti
"Malta" Cronkite"
"Seven-Up, The" Angola
"Jailhouse" Iraq
"Electric" Qatar
"Rubber" Czech Republic
Belarus "Lugosi"
"Hand" Grenada
Belize "Navidad"
"Ice" Cuba
"Four-Door" Sudan
"Jacket and" Thailand
"Steady" Cambodia
"Tea for" Tunisia
Ghana "Get a Witness?"
"Vanilla" Iceland
"Perry" Comoros
"Neither" Norway
"Either" Andorra
"Killer" Wales
"Wig" Guam
Tonga "Depressor"
"Wheat" Germany
"Dee" Luxembourg
"Six" Pakistan
"Sir Thomas" Malawi
"Al" Gabon
"The Cat's" Macau
"East of" Sweden
"Ebony and" Ivory Coast
"Night of the" Botswana
"Thurgood" Marshall Islands
"Willy" Oman
Hungary "Heart"
"Things I" Haiti "About You"
"Have You Ever Been Ex" Syria
"Less Talk" Morocco
"When It Rains, It" Singapore
Libya? "I Hardly Know Her"
"Two Big Macs" Togo
"I Promise I'll" Palau
"Martina Navra" Moldova
"Alvin Do" Bermuda

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