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Date Posted: 10:36:02 07/19/00 Wed
Author: TheRunaway
Subject: 50,000 Volts

50,000 Volts
(TheRunaway)
For as long as I live I wont ever forget the question she asked, "Do you think you would be better off alone?" That one single question would haunt me for a lifetime and beyond. Even after so much time has passed and so many words have been spoken the memories I hold of her are still so vivid. Face so perfect and her beautiful long blonde hair cascading down her back to her waist, her face never needed the help of make up which was probably just as well because the lure of perfection would be stronger than any man could stand. I had always had a soft spot for women who took pride in their personnel appearance; it was a trait that I admired, even toward the end she had never failed to make the effort.

I cannot accept that was I did was wrong, given the chance that would be the one thing I would not change without exception. I now, condemned to live a life alone have to try and make the best of what is left, which by anyone's standard is not a lot. All the things that I hold sacred are my memories, the one thing that can never be taken away from you. As I lay here listening to the rain hitting the window and the wind driving on relentlessly I cannot help but think of her. The one person who showed kindness when others could not find it in there heart to do so. Obsession was a personality trait that was ever present throughout my life; I could not control the feelings within my heart.

So this is where it all began, I never wanted to have emotional commitment to anyone; I never understood the need for it. Ostracised as a child and labelled a weirdo I spent a lot of my time alone. Preferring my own company I became introvert and to be honest a little disillusioned the things that life offered I wanted no part of. At times the urge to end it all became a beast that was difficult to control. I turned to religion for a little peace of mind but found nothing could appease the darker side of my nature. Often I hear people saying they are all alone in this world, I have to laugh because quite frankly they have no idea what the word means. Contradictory I know but loneliness is a state of mind that few have ever experienced truly, experience has taught me that loneliness walks hand in hand with despair.

I awoke early the next morning the hot sun was beating into my eyes making me blind. I was soaked with sweat the memories of the night where not pleasant and are something I would sooner forget. I cleaned myself up with the basic facilities that were made available to me and settled myself down upon the bed I needed to address some of the regrets I felt, a couple of weeks was all I had left at the most. I adjusted my position on the bed so I could see the only photo I had of her. Even to this day and after everything that had gone on between us, she still captivated me, the one and only object of my affection. I met her through some friends at work and I still see the very first image of her now as clearly as ever. Never had I felt so completely in awe of another person. The ability to avert my eyes from hers was beyond my capability the brain sent the signals but my eyes just ignored the commands. Searching for a sign frantically that she saw in me what I saw in her was more than a lifetime in coming but when it did, I was branded with that image forever. The smile she gave opened up a realm in my mind I never knew could exist, never before I had wanted someone like this. All the emotional defences I had built, all the times spent convincing myself that I would die alone she erased with one smile.

So that was where it all began we did the normal things got a house talked about kids and just generally got on with life. It was then that things started to go wrong, the arguments and the fighting came. It was eating away at the very core of our relationship and with hindsight I now know it was my entire fault. The objection of my obsession was being smothered, I never saw it at the time but now it's as clear as the day is long. We continued like this for over a year, fighting to try and salvage what we had, she often said how much she loved me but it was never enough. Many times she talked of leaving always she would say it was for the best. That made me angry there was no way I could ever let that happen. I would do all in my power without exception to prevent that. What sort of life would I have without her?

I wont forget her final day on earth that memory will stay vivid until my final day. The weather was fiendish, fog has descended and the snow was falling hard being driven by a gusting wind. I drove home as we screamed and shouted at each other over the mobile phone. During that conversation it dawned on me that our life together was over, she told me her bags were packed and that she would be gone by the time I got home. I don't remember saying I would kill her but people have told me that I did say that. I drove home like a wild man I had to get home before she left, I felt sure that looking into her eyes I would be able to make her stay. The weather was atrocious down the country lanes as I headed home at a pace that was far faster than the conditions allowed.

I was a couple of minutes from home and they passed quickly, I swung into the drive and nearly lost control of the car, I corrected it and sped up. It was then that I saw her; stood directly in front of me the headlights illuminated her perfectly as she stood their suitcases in hand. Realisation that there was nothing I could do dulled my instincts for a second, I hit the brakes as hard as I could knowing my efforts to avoid her would be in vain. The impact was massive no one could survive that. I heard that scream and I still hear it every night when I sleep. Silence followed, it was an unnerving silence, I was frozen I could see her motionless on the drive suitcases strewn across the lawn. Everything after that becomes a blur my mind wont let me have access to those memories.

I was charged 3 weeks later with murder in the first degree, my conviction was sealed on the mobile phone call where I had threatened to kill her. I chose to represent myself in court I figured if I could make them understand what I felt for this woman it would become clear that I never intentionally killed her. I was not successful and now I spend my days alone in this prison cell. I don't mind too much because soon it will be over and life without her is not worth living anyway.

I can hear them coming for me now they are going to enforce my sentence. The only thing I can hear in my mind is that question "Do you think you would be better off alone". I don't feel scared at all I am quite looking forward to leaving. I accept that I will be strapped into a chair and given 50,000 volts.

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