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Date Posted: 10:41:00 07/19/00 Wed
Author: NapalmDragon
Subject: Of Storms & Shadows

OF STORMS AND SHADOWS





When I look back from where ever I am now, it is with regret and a great sense of loss. There again nobody really is in control of their own lives and this I know. Where to begin, the beginning would be logical but not necessarily the right place. I had a great relationship with someone who love for me was intoxicating he made me feel warm, safe, and alive. Nothing could ever go wrong as long as he was there. I was so attracted to him it was like a moth to a flame the moth not seeing the hidden danger of going to close. His feelings for me were the same, when we were together it was electric. Though after a while I began to see the dangers of that flame, when you love someone so much that’s it physically hurts not to be with them, you also have a great power to hurt them. In doing so you start to keep things from them thinking its for there own good. More fool my secrets and me.

I had been ill with a shoulder injury and had to have an operation to have some bone fragments removed. The operation itself was pretty much standard and although I had to spend a bit longer in hospital then I thought was necessary. I was soon back home with the man I loved. The one thing I wasn’t ready for was the amount of pain my shoulder was giving me, the painkillers I was sent home with were strong and helped but they had a tendency of making me very introverted and quite. Whilst I paid no attention to it my lover was. The drugs soon ran out and the pain was still there. So I got a repeat from the doctor who was quite understanding. The one thing I never bothered to do was read the leaflet about the painkillers themselves. My lover had though and was quite concerned as my monthly trips to the doctors changed my very nature. I not wanting to admit to the possibly that I might be and addict of some kind having never had any experience with drugs and always rather revolted at people who took drugs. I ignored him.

Times passes and things carried on me ignoring his sharp comments about my problem. It was actually easier to ignore it, to stop his hurtful remarks I found myself telling him that I would seek advice and break the habit because that was all it was.

So after trying to stop these retched little pills that my doctor dished out so freely. Trying was all I could do as well after two weeks of going cold turkey I thought I was finally free, life would go back to normal and the one true love of my life would love me back equally we could go forward and enjoy our time without worry. It was very good for a while as well but each night before I could sleep my mind drifted towards thoughts of those pills. Sleep was very hard to come by as well tossing and turning constantly made my shoulder sore again and I found myself on the phone again ordering another repeat and it was given to me. I had slipped back to my old routine without even realising it. The one thing I was sure of though was hiding my little pot pills. I didn’t want to hurt him and things were really good now.

Then late one night during one of the furious summer storms we had been having where the sky would light up like a firework display and thunder hurt your ears it was so deafening. He came into our room with my pills in his hand. I tried to explain, explaining grew to shouting, and shouting turned to screaming. This was new ground for me as he had never in the time I had known him raised his voice to me. I instantly retreated into myself grabbed my shoes and ran for the door. The storm had shorted out the streetlights somehow and the bright light flashing briefly from the lightning confused me so I ran. Vaguely aware that he was behind me I kept running the last thing I remembered was something hitting me hard in my side and the taste of blood in my mouth. Looking up from the road my last visions were of my lover crying, cradling my broken body.

I watch him now from the shadows of reality; he has a family and a wife that cares for him deeply. I can see the sadness in his eyes and once in a while I can almost touch him again from the confines dark limbo. I regret not listening to his advice they could be our children he plays with. I feel the emptiness of my sole as it cries out for his. To make me whole again but that is my penance and I have to spend eternity with it.



Author NapalmDragon

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