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Date Posted: 12:13:15 04/01/03 Tue
Author: Tilly
Subject: LQ dictionary (PLEASE let this format right!) This is verrrrry long.

"Trouble In Paradise (And Other Cliches)"

By: Tilly, with Isabeau's permission and blessing



The sun is sinking behind a hill to the west of Hyrule castle. It casts its final glow on the grass, turning it into an absurdly lovely gold dappled green color. There is a breeze from the south, from the desert. Perhaps we can smell the spices and warm sand of Gerudo Valley, or perhaps we just imagine that we can. The castle itself is ethereal, with spires and turrets that look almost too delicate to stand against the cerulean Hyrulian sky. I know, I know. Shut up. But that's the idiotic phrase that came to mind, unbidden. Still, the entire scene is strangely plain and boring in its placid, unchallenging, overdone beauty.

A white horse, also almost gold in the gleaming of the gloaming, grazes peacefully, occasionally flickering her ears at flies that probably aren't there. No, this place is too perfect for flies. The horse looks up only briefly when what looks like a small dragon flies from a turret of the castle and circles up into the air, calling softly. There's something frightening about that call. Not intimidating or fantastic, just something deeply, elusively wrong.

Something wrong, perhaps, with all of it, with everything in the scene, but we won't concern ourselves with that yet, will we? Will we?

Certainly there should be a lone figure silhouetted somewhere in the distance; some tall, heroic figure, someone with heroic blond hair and a heroic silver sword that catches the sun's dying light and throws it back briefly into our eyes, and we might not be sure if we're blinded momentarily by its light, or by the bearer's beauty. Certainly this figure should appear over the hill any moment now. Any moment now.

The figure does appear, and we know right away, with that familiar, heart sinking feeling, that there is something wrong. Maybe we'd like to try to deny it for a moment longer, but what would be the point? We are strangers in this land, and we should be on our guard.

The figure ambles closer. Yes, "ambles" is the right word. He can't seem to get his feet far off the ground as he tilts and slightly reels as well. We see that he does indeed have blond hair, but it is dull and wild. He does have a silver sword, but it is tarnished and chipped. On top of his dull, wild hair sits a crown that is probably supposed to be gold, but we must suspect that it is plastic. It sits askew on his head, more apologetically than rakishly, as if it is sorry that we have to witness such a thing, as if it is embarrassed to be a part of the scene.

Another breeze lifts his hair away from his face, and for the first time, we see his eyes. There should be steel in those eyes, determination, passion, any of the things we associate with heroes. But as he drags himself closer, we see that instead his eyes are bland, uncomprehending, glazed. He looks through us dumbly, numbly. He's mumbling something.

Is this the Hero of Time? And if it is, what's happened to him?

The little dragon that we saw before has perched on a tree, and now he swoops down, making a grating, strident chattering noise. The hero - or what used to be the hero - cringes and mumbles the word "no." The dragon swoops again, making the same irritating noise, only louder.

"Stop," the hero mutters. "Stop!" He clamps his hands over his ears and squeezes his eyes shut. "No more!" he calls pleadingly. Now he is no longer covering his ears, but raking at them as he raves, pulling his hair in long, clawing strokes. "No more noise! No more! Chatterning! Chatterning!"

With a final wail of that nonsense word, the hero falls backward onto the grass.


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------


That was how we came to meet the Link in this world, and what follows is how we came to know his predicament. While amusing at some points, please try to see it for the tragedy it really is.

We sat next to Link, waiting for him to awaken. He could be dangerous, we knew that much, but we hoped that he would awaken with a better grip on reality than he'd previously shown, and that perhaps he could give us some answers. We were only travelers in Hyrule, you realize.

Link did awaken, and fortunately, he did awaken with more sense. After the usual "where am I's" and "who are you's," we finally managed to make the Hero of Time, once so brilliant and dazzling, tell us of his grief.

"It's the Queen," he began quietly, with a cautious (paranoid?) glance at the dragon that had seemingly caused his collapse.

"The queen?" one of my companions asked him. "Zelda?"

At that, Link first looked confused. Then his look changed into one of sad understanding. "Zelda has never been queen," he said softly.

"But that's hardly right," said my companion. "Zelda was the princess, and unless she had siblings, or..."

"The Queen is the Queen," Link said suddenly and abstractly. "That's all there is to it." He laughed, a dry, hard sound that wasn't really much of a laugh at all. "Jen is the queen. No, no...Kitiara. Oh, goddesses, no. Lanfear. I no longer even remember. She used to be Jenna. Then she became Kitiara. Then..." He laughed again, and this laugh was more wild and uncontrolled than the first one. "Oh Link my love!" he said in a voice that was somehow shrill and meaty at the same time. His face changed, too; his look became vacuous, haughty, insane. In his imitation, he had *become* the woman that he was telling us about. "I don't know why, but I love to make up names! It's my forte!" he went on, still as the Queen. He laughed again, and we shrank back from him. He took a deep, slow breath, sat back, and was something closer to himself again. "So yes," he went on as himself. "She changes her name a lot."

"So then," I ventured, "why did you marry her?"

Link looked at me, his face a mask of sad desperation. "You don't understand," he said. "You have no idea where you are."

"Where-"

"No," he interrupted, "leave it at that. For now."

So for then, we left it. The faded hero leaned back on his palms and looked up at the sky. "Artificial," he mumbled. "Or just wrong." Before we could question him, he looked back at us. "She thinks she morphs into animals, you know."

We all frowned at him, afraid to ask.

"She does," he insisted desperately. "She thinks she's a shapechanger. Sometimes she thinks she turns into a horse or a dragon or a tiger, and then she...she behaves accordingly." He looked down as he said this last part.

"How?" asked one of my fellow travelers.

"Well," Link began softly. He stopped to consider if he should go on or not. None of us pressed him to. Eventually he decided to continue on his own. "Well, sometimes she thinks she's morphed herself into a dragon. And she'll twist all around, like this..." Link twisted and undulated in a ridiculous way that still somehow seemed sinister. "And then she'll make what she thinks is a dragon noise and crawl all around. I think she thinks she's flying. Or when she thinks she's morphed into a horse, she'll snort and paw the ground with her hand and...and she'll nuzzle me with her...with her face." Color rose in his cheeks as he said it.

There was silence, all of us too stunned to answer him for the moment. Link looked around, seemed to consider a blade of grass or two next to his hand, then looked at the sky again.

"Zelda must be able to do something about this," one of my companions said. "Or, hell, YOU could do something about it."

"No," Link said softly. "You don't know where you are."

"Why, we're in Hy-"

"No, you're not," Link said quickly. "You're not in Hyrule and I'm not who or what you think I am, and neither is Zelda. But please," he said quickly, holding his hand up to stop us asking questions before we could voice them, "let's not talk about that now. Just...just let me talk. You have no idea how good it feels to tell someone."

So we sat back and waited for the hero to continue his tale.

He seemed to gather his thoughts for a while as we waited.

"She thinks she's of a supreme race," he said, "and that she's got elemental powers. She...thinks she's some sort of sentry or guard. Sometimes she wanders around the court at night, pretending to look for intruders. But for some reason, none of that bothers me as much as this one thing about her. This one thing..."

We waited while he considered.

"One time," he said quietly, almost conspiratorially as he leaned in closer to us, "there was a group of travelers, much like yourselves. And, like you, they didn't know where they were. They were received and there was a gathering. They met her. They spoke to her, and within seconds, they knew what she was about. They had learned one of the things about her that has driven me to this...to this state. Should you meet her - and I sincerely hope that your fortune forbids it - you will see it right away too. These people, they laughed behind her back; laughed at her because they knew they could leave, that they wouldn't have to live with it everyday; laughed at her the way I can no longer laugh, because I *do* have to live with it everyday. And to tease her, one of them used a word. The word was 'pulchreditude.'"

"'Pulchreditude?'" I asked. "Isn't it supposed to be..."

"Yes, I know what it's supposed to be. She didn't. She thought that was the correct word. She started using it. She used it a lot. As she got the vague idea of what it was supposed to mean, she used it mostly in reference to herself. She says it into the mirror. All of this leads me to the one thing about her that has brought me to this."

We waited.

"I see you all waiting," Link said. "In this land, you're probably waiting with 'bated breath'. You see a 'golden hero.' You might say that the queen sees herself as an 'angel of mercy.' You might find that the weather here is 'bone chillingly cold,' or 'hot enough to fry an egg.' You might think that I have a 'glimmer of hope' or that I'm 'grasping at straws.' Or instead that I 'don't stand a chance' 'when push comes to shove.' You might hope that 'what goes around comes around,' but above all, you are probably getting a sense that there's 'trouble in paradise.'"

We all stared at him, stunned into si... Oh, sorry. Stunned. I was the one who asked, "Why are you talking all in cliches?"

"Because that's what she does," Link said quickly. "Because that's what this entire construct is. The golden sunset, the rolling hills, the peaceful breeze. It's one big cliche. But that's not The Big Thing. That's not the one thing she does that has made me lose my reason." Link reached into the pocket of his trousers. "I've been keeping a list."

-------------------------------------------------------------

"Words that Link's Queen Does Not Understand" (was scrawled across the top of the page.)


ADEIU - Well, that's how she spelled it. She doesn't realize, I suppose, that "adieu" is a French farewell meaning "to god." The Queen says "without further adeiu." Without further goodbye? Strange indeed.

APPROBATE - It's a transitive verb, but she once wrote that "sarcasm was not approbate." "Approbate" is too big a word for her to understand even if she had used it correctly, so I can only guess that she might have meant "appropriate," but this goes beyond the realms of normal misspelling and into the land of "doesn't know what in the Dark Realm it means."

ATOM - Not sure exactly what she means by this one, but I think it's supposed to be a proper noun. She used the phrase "didn't know you from atom," and, while I think she meant "Adam," she stood by her choice of words when someone told her what an atom really was. So perhaps I'll never figure out just what she meant.

BESIEGING - An odd gerund type thing I think, "besieging." Maybe she thinks it means "obsession" or something. It's the only thing I can gather from this: "Only someone with a true besieging with someone would spent the countless time and energy to track, locate and tally every word ever misused by someone."

CARE - A word we know by the time we're two, no? In the Queen's case, no. "I really want to draw anime as a care is which I am shooting for. However, when going to these schools, at least it's something I like doing." What does that even mean?! What does it mean?!!

CHATTERNING - The noise that she thinks dragons make. Perhaps she made it up, perhaps she meant "chattering," but who would consistently get the word "chattering" wrong?

CONDUCTIVE - the Queen uses the word "conductive" as a verb transitive present tense occasional imperative. "Conductive yourself like an adult!" Not sure why the "ive" is there. It can hardly be a misprint to type in three extra letters, can it? Especially when it happens more than once: "THERE ARE ADULTS OUT THERE WHO CANNOT CONDUCTIVE THEMSELVES IN THE SIMPLEST MANORS THEIR PARENTS HAVE TAUGHT THEM!"

CONSISTENCY - (Also sometimes spelled "consistancy.") Again, most people know the meanings of this word. The Queen seems to think... well, I have no idea what she thinks it means. "You have the consistency of morons." Maybe she thinks that morons have a certain feel to them, a texture, a firmness or thickness...Just a guess.

CONVINCE - Most people know the verb "to convince" and what it means, but she's using it as either a noun or an adjective. When faced with the choice of a pool or an ocean, she prefers "the convince of a pool."

DILIGENT - I think that she means "persistent," but again, I have no way of knowing for sure. At any rate, "diligent" is most often used in a positive light, but I'm fairly certain that the Queen means it as an insult of some sort.

DOGGY DOG WORLD - I know that the expression "dog eat dog world" is so common as to be a tiresome cliche, so it's unlikely that even the most primitive mind would get that one wrong. Maybe the Queen just thinks there are an awful lot of dogs in the world. Doggy dogs. Hmm.

EXTORTIONARY - I have an idea of what she meant, but again am not certain. She described someone's story as "just short of extortionary." Did she mean that the story was trying to get something from the reader by use of threats? Did she mean "extraordinary?" (I doubt that she meant "extraordinary," as this is such a common word that it's highly unlikely that anyone would misuse it. So I still wonder what she meant.)

FERTILE and UNFERTILE - When the Queen thinks that she's morphed herself into a winged animal, she has been known to "fertile" and "unfertile" her wings. Are her wings ovulating? Bearing children? Growing plants? Did she mean "furl" and "unfurl?"

FREVENTLY - I have no idea what this means or is supposed to mean. She used this adverb to describe how she was pouting. "Pouts frevently?" Maybe she meant "fervently," but that's hardly a way to describe the act of pouting, is it now?

GECKO - This one is the introduction to the story (Goddesses, help me!) she was writing. I know that a gecko is a lizard, but she seems to think it is something entirely different. "You knew it from the gecko."

GRUELING - "Grueling days of inactivity." Can't even begin to explain this odd little oxymoron.

HALLAUIA - Surely someone who claims to be as religious as she is would not misspell "hallelujah" consistently. Unless they had the "consistency of morons."

HEADSMAN: Well, I honestly don't know. She was talking about people being executed and referred to the executioner as "The Headsman." At this point, I don't think she's kidding.

HUMGUS: The Queen once spoke of "having humgus trouble" finding something. So I take it the word implies something negative, but outside of that, have no idea what it means.

INCOHERENT - Not sure what she thinks "incoherent" really means, but I'm fairly certain that she uses it as an adjective implying some sort of shortsightedness. Try to glean a meaning from this: "you're too incoherent to see past your nose."

INFATUATED - from her stories. Again, this is used as an adjective, which it is. But in her story, the Queen is always doing something to my "infatuated body." (Please, Goddesses, help me!) Not certain what she means by that, or what word (if any) she was looking for. All I do know is that I am in no way "infatuated."

INQUIRE - This one is also from her story. It's possible that she thinks it's a fancier way of saying "said." I.e. "'Let's go in,' Link inquired." Was I asking a question? No, I was not. So I am perplexed.

INVENTS - She spoke of remembering someone's "invents with Steve." Did this occur in a lab somewhere? Did they patent these "invents?" Does she mean "inventions" at all, or does she mean something entirely different?

MANOR - I know that this is a home on an estate. And once again, am befuddled as to what she thinks it is. There are numerous examples of her using it to describe how people do things: "I want nothing to with you in that manor." Perhaps she means that she wants nothing to do with (so and so) in someone's spacious high class home. Perhaps.

MODERN - How can someone not know what "modern" means? The Queen was in a "modernly better mood." Had she been in an archaically bad mood before then?

MORBID - While the Queen does use this as an adjective, it's obvious that she has no idea what it means. She wrote once of "morbid horse manure." I was actually surprised that she knew what manure was. Or, perhaps she doesn't. It's hard to tell.

MORTIFYING - She seems to think it means "frightening." She used it in this context: "I am sorry I rambled on, but for real, this chick is mortifying me." While the Queen is frequently mortified in the true meaning of the word, she used it to mean "frightened or intimidated."

MUMMERS - She uses it to describe some sort of sound. "Distant mummers and curses." Mumbles? Murmurs? Both? Neither? Help me!

PERSIFLAGA - I can understand misspelling the word "persiflage" once, but she thinks that the word is "persiflaga." She used it many times, and one time was when she tried to pretend she was someone other than herself, someone with a Ph.D. She was surprised when, after she used the same word in the same wrong way, everyone knew it was her. Actually, they knew it before then. "Lunatic persiflaga?"

PRENATALLY - "I will go there PRENATALLY, if things don't change here. " Once again, the Queen threatens to leave if everyone doesn't stop what they're doing and listen to her whining and puling. However, she's going to go "prenatally?" How is she going to get there before birth?

PULCHREDITUDE - At one time, the Queen heard a traveler use the word "pulchreditude." She has probably never heard the word "pulchritude," and also probably wanted to use a big, fancy word, only she seems to have believed the person who teased her, and thought this was the right way to say it. She uses it now...all the time. She says it to the mirror. Goddesses help me.

PUN - Apparently the Queen thinks a "pun" is any version of wit that anyone makes up at any time in any circumstance. When a traveler said "hello" and she responded "goodbye," she referred to that as a pun. I was embarrassed for both of us.

QUAINTLY - I have no idea what she thinks this means. She accused someone of "quaintly being around" when she was suspicious of their actions.

RACIST - The Queen thinks that people who take her lord's name in vain are racist. Perhaps she thinks that Christianity is a race rather than a religion / belief system, or perhaps she wrongly thinks that "Christian" is synonymous with "white." (This is entirely possible, as she has also insinuated that all Native American people live on reservations and hate all white people. She's even said, "The Japanese are perverted, that's the way they have always been." So I'm thinking that this whole mix up comes from broad classification by color / nationality.) (Also referred to as "raciest.")

ROUGE - I suspect the means "rogue." She used it to describe little boys, i.e. "rouge little boys."

SCHMEIL or SCHMIEL - She's spelled this one a number of ways. The Queen herself has said that it's slang for "the whole thing" or something like that.

SENSORS - The Queen spoke quite a few times of "American Sensors." Maybe America has sensory devices of some sort, perhaps some kind of tracking device? She couldn't possibly mean "censors."

SHROUNDING - Like "chatterning," could she possibly be adding the "N" to an already existing word? She either means "surrounding" or "shrouding." Maybe she means both.

STUDDERS - The Queen likes to write down the actions she's pretending to do sometimes. Once, in surprise, she wrote "*studders.*" Is it possible that she meant she was stuttering in surprise? Surely not. Surely everyone over the age of eight knows how to spell "stutter."

THOUST - This one I might never figure out. "You thoust have no religion." She must know that "thou" means "you," but all I can imagine is that she meant "thou hast." But no. No...That’s too easy.

YANNY - I have heard travelers telling of a musician named "Yanni," so perhaps she means him when she talks and writes of "upping the yanny." Impossible that she meant "up the ante." Again, who would confuse such a common phrase?






----------------------------------------------


There were more words scribbled on the back, but the hero gently took the paper from my hands and scrunched it back into his pocket. "No more," he said. "There's no time. There's a banquet tonight and the Queen will want to do the urine drinking ceremony again."

After a quiet moment in which my companions and I sat quietly, too stunned to ask, the hero put his face in his hands and wept.

"But surely as the Hero of Time, you..." I began.

"No, you still don't understand," he interrupted. "I'm not the Hero of Time. I'm a construct."

"Of what?" one of my companions asked.

"Of what the Queen is pleased to call her mind." He laughed bitterly. "Even the dimmest, slowest mind can imagine something, especially something they've already seen elsewhere. She doesn't have to make it interesting. Look around you! This is not the lush, fascinating landscape of an imaginative mind. This is a cliche! One big paradisiacal cliche!"

We did look around, not as we had before, with a vague, familiar horror, but with certain dread. It *was* a cliche. She hadn't even imagined the pixels out of the colors or the seams out of the hills. How could we not have seen it? And how did we get here?

We knew that there must be a way out. "We'll take you with us," one of my companions offered in kindness, but even then I wondered if it was a good idea to take anything at all out of this mind. Out of this construct.

"Oh, there is no way out for me. For you, yes, but not for me. And you had better leave before the Queen finds out I showed you my list. If she finds out, then she'll roll heads."

"Roll heads?" I asked. "Isn't the idiom 'heads will roll?'"

"I know that, but she doesn't seem to. No, she 'rolls heads.'"

"I see," I said. I pictured this Queen of his getting angry and rolling heads along the ground as if she were playing Bocce ball. Of all the ways to vent one's spleen.

Link, or what we had thought to be Link, was whispering something: "I'll die here. When she forgets me, I'll die here." He was smiling in bliss, smiling into the future. "I can't wait."

Up above us, the silly, cliche dragon watched us with silly, cliche menace.

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