05/11/02 Sketch Submissions II - input and suggestions requested -- SNY Sketch Submission Panel

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Date Posted: 01:01:04 05/05/02 Sun
Author: Patrick Lonergan
Subject: 05/11/02 Sketch Submissions II - input and suggestions requested
In reply to: Patrick Lonergan 's message, "05/11/02 Sketch Submissions - input and suggestions requested" on 22:21:00 05/02/02 Thu

Interviewer...Darrell Hammond
Security Guard 1...Tracy Morgan
Security Guard 2...Dean Edwards
...Kathleen Turner
...Glenn Close
...Sherri Stoner
...Adrian Lyne
...Leonard Maltin
...Nikki Sixx

(Text On-Screen: AN "SNL" SHORT FILM by JOHN EDWARD KILDUFF)

(This text fades to the title of the piece: "Why A Rabbit?". The Interviewer
walks onto a set filled with pictures of notable rabbits: Roger, Bugs and so on)

Interviwer: The Rabbit...it's cute, it's fuzzy, and if you have one of its feet,
it's a hell of a good luck charm. One more notable thing about a rabbit is that
it's great to use in a movie...most of the time. We've deicded to ask several
notable personalities for their thoughts on the importance of rabbits at the
movies.

(Cut to the first interview segment. Kathleen Turner is seen backstage before
she's scheduled to go on in "The Graduate", and she speaks to the interviewer)

Kathleen: Aaah, yes, the rabbit...I'm proud to say that a rabbit figured into
the most successful movie of my career, that being "Who Framed Roger Rabbit?". I
would say that a rabbit is important for a movie because it sort of brings an
animalistic flavor to your work under a cute, fluffy exterior. Of course, if
it's a real rabbit, it's great, but if it's only animated, that's fine, too.

(Cut to Leonard Maltin, in his living room. We see one of the Bugs Bunny
"Hunter's Trilogy" cartoons on a TV in the background, while Leonard is sipping
a glass of carrot juice.)

Leonard: You can't talk about rabbits without Bugs Bunny. Anthropomorphizing
treated Warner Brothers well, especially in this case. Without Bugs Bunny, a lot
of modern cartoons wouldn't even exist. The wit, the rapid-fire humor and all
the merchandising of said qualities came with Bugs. I mean, Mickey Mouse might
have been a more influential character, but he couldn't make you split your
sides with laughter and he didn't have a recognizable catchphrase. Bugs, on the
other hand...

(Cut to Glenn Close)

Glenn: You know, rabbit does taste good when you boil it! (Glenn cracks up at
this comment) Oh, I'm only kidding, but that's the scene that everyone remembers
from "Fatal Attraction". I could never do that to a rabbit in real life. I mean,
a pig and a cow are animals that don't quite appeal to the eye, but a rabbit is
just so soft and fuzzy. You're asking the wrong person about cutting up rabbits

(Cut to Glenn's "Fatal Attraction" director Adrian Lyne)

Adrian: Oh, I like rabbits!

Interviewer: Well, then how do you explain that one scene in "Fatal Attraction"?

Adrian: Oh, Bloody Hell, you still haven't let that die yet?

(Cut to Nikki Sixx, putting on a Motley Crue hat)

Nikki: I like rabbits, but why did you choose to interview me? I haven't really
appeared in any movies aside from stuff filmed with groupies on the road, and I
sure as (bleep) never used rabbits there!

(Cut to Sherri Stoner's production offices at Disney. We see posters for "That
Darn Cat" and "Casper" on the back walls)

Sherri: What do you need?

Interviewer: You've been in a movie with rabbits before, right?

Sherri: Only "Reform School Girls", and that was a stuffed toy bunny I had in
that movie...which I DON'T want to discuss by the way!

Interviewer: Please talk about it!

Sherri: No!

Interviewer: Pretty please?

Sherri: Hell no!

Interviewer: With sugar on top?

Sherri: SECURITY!

(2 black security guards burst in)

Security Guard 1: Disposal should be where, Ms. Stoner?

Sherri: Take your pick, boys...

Security Guard 2: Out the window you go!

Interviewer: Hey, what the Hell?

(The interviewer is tossed out the window. He lands in a garbage disposal. We
fade out from this scene, and into the "Bugs Bunny In The Drum" variant of the
"That's All, Folks" sign-off, and then we fade back into the scene. The
interviewer has gotten out of the garbage)

Interviewer: Somebody help me...p-p-p-please!

(Fade to black)

bstanko@hotmail.com Frank Stanko

After The Earthquake"

Dad...Will Ferell
Mom...Rachel Dratch
Daughter...Kristen Dunst
Son...Chris Kattan
Looter...Horatio Sanz

(Open on earthquake damaged living room. Mom is sweeping up debris as dad
enters)

Dad:Well, I checked the garage. Everything seems to be alright.

Mom:I'm sure it is honey. Just like soon, we'll be able to rebuild again. I
love you dear.

(Dad and Mom kiss as Daughter races down the stairs)

Daughter:Dad? Mom? When is the earthquake gonna be over?

Dad:Oh, Judy. I already explained. The earthquake ended a week ago. (to Mom)
So, since nobody feels like cooking since the gas line exploded in our kitchen,
what do you say I take you all out to dinner at T.G.I. Fridays?

Mom:You don't have to do that, dear.

Dad:Nonsence, I want to.

Daughter:Gee, Dad and Mom, it sounds like fun, but I've got a date.

Mom:Ooh, is it Brad?

Daughter:No, Brad died when his house collapsed into the river.

Dad:Well, who's taking my princess out for the night?

Daughter:He's this nice boy I found in my closet. C'mon down!

(Looter, several objects in hand, runs down stairs, stops at banister, then
grabs a candle from it)

Looter:Your daughter is a nice girl. She didn't call the cops.

(Daughter moves close to Mom)

Daughter:(to Mom)Mom, seing that this is my first date since Brad died, could we
expand my curfew a half hour?

Mom:Young lady, you'll return at your curfew.

Daughter:Oh fine. (to Looter) C'mon.

(Looter and Daughter walk off)

Dad: Watch out for looters! (pause) No, I'm not joking.

(Dad moves closer to Mom)

Dad:Say, where's Toby?

Mom:I don't know, I didn't see him after he fell out his window.

Dad:Toby?

Toby:(v.o.)Yeah, dad?

Mom:Come down son. Touched by An Angel's coming on.

Toby:(v.o.)Alright, dad.

(Toby walks down, revealing a huge plank in his head)

Toby:Boy, I heard this episode was good.

(Toby sits on sofa as Mom and Dad stare at him)

Dad:I think you have dandruff, son.

(Fade Out)

="Ladies Choice Asperin"

Wife...Ana Gastyer
Husband...Chris Parnell

Wife:(v.o.)Life can be so hard when you're a wife. You've got bills to pay, a
life to live, and of course...

(Wife enters bedroom, where husband pats the matress sugjestively. Wife,
cringing, turns away)

Wife:Sexual problems.

Announcer:Never fear, Ladies Choice is here!

Singer:When you're a woman, and you need a helping hand, Just take a Ladies
Choice!

(Wife spills gasoline all over her floor, with her husband tied to a chair)

(Wife pours final drops of gasoline on front steps, lights a match, throws it
through an open window, and is knocked backward by a giant flame)

(Wife is carried away by cops)

Wife:Thanks, Ladies Choice!

Announcer:Ladies Choice. For when you need to throw your life away.

Singer:When you're a woman, and you need a helping hand, Just take a Ladies
Choice!

Casablanca Ending"

Rick...Darell Hammond
Ilsa...Kirsten Dunst

(Open on an airfield. Rick and Ilsa are standing next to a plane)

Ilsa:Rick, I can't leave you!

Rick:Oh, but you must kid, you must. You see, this great big world of ours is
changing, and there's gonna be some new and exciting changes. You need to be a
part of them.

Ilsa:But, Rick I love you. I need you. Without you, I'm nuts.

(She reaches out to embrace him, but he, without looking, pushes her into the
propellar of the plane. Ilsa's blood begins flying off onto Rick as he
continues speaking, splattered)

Rick:Oh, Ilsa. You'll understand. (pause) If only life were as simple as our
days in Paris. You know, I was a rather lonely child. My father drank and my
mother liked my little brother better. But all that didn't matter when I met
you, Ilsa. Life was meaningful again. Don't you understand? I want so much to
hold you in my arms, but I can't. Not until we win this war!

(Rick turns back to the plane, only to notice Ilsa's gone)

Rick:That's it, Ilsa. Go, and win us the war!

(Triumphant music plays as we fade out)

Writen by Frank Stanko

"ABC Promo"

Announcer...Seth Meyers

(The ABC logo comes into focus on the screen)

Announcer:This week, on "Alias,"... ah, screw it! I'm sick of promoting the
lineup for this low-rated network.

Announcer:(con't)It wasn't always like this. We here at ABC got cocky in the
late seventies. Happy Days, Laverne & Shirley, Roots, Charlie's Angels... we
were some cocky bastards.

Announcer:(con't)Now everything's changed. We've got Sunday, except for 60
Minutes. Monday's gone, Tuesday's struggling. We only manage to do well on
Wednesdays thanks to "According to Jim" and "The Drew Carrey Show." Hmmm...
Note to self: Move both to Thursday, might give "CSI" a run for it's money.

Announcer:(con't)Disney's been stumbling too. Like company like merged network.
I'm sick of it. Heck with it, I'm through.

(Door slamming in heard, as footsteps are heard in the distance)

(The ABC logo fades away)

Written by Frank Stanko

Tony DuMont
*MENTOS-A lawyer doesn't know how to defend his client, who has all the
evidence against him. Then he pops a Mentos candy, and decides to play the race card. The judge finds him not guilty

Defense Attorney...Chris Parnell
Defendant...Tracy Morgan
Prosecuting attorney...Seth Meyers
Plantiff...Jeff Richards
Judge...Ana Gasteyer
Baliff...Horatio Sanz

(music from the Mentos commercial plays, in a courtroom setting. The
district attourney shows solid evidence, including valid photos, that the defendant committed a first degree murder)

(the defendant looks nervous, knowing that he's guilty. The defense
attourney is stumped, not knowing what to do. Then, he pops a Mentos candy into his mouth.)

(The defense attourney points out that the defendant is black and the
plantiff is white, as if to say that the charges are racist. The people are all shocked to hear this and the jury finds in favor of the defendant. The judge orders the plantiff to be taken into custody and the defendant is set free, causing him a great deal of relief. He thanks his attorney, who pops another Mentos and shows it to the camera.)

Announcer: Mentos. The fresh race card.

*MY VERY OWN MEAT PACKING PLANT
Enables kids to make their very own meat at home, with bugs and roadkill
lying around.

Announcer...Chris Parnell
Girl #1...Kirsten Dunst
Boy #1...Seth Meyers
Girl #2...Amy Poehler
Boy #2...Chris Kattan
various other kids

(opens on kids at park bench)
Announcer: Hey kids, do you like burgers?
Kids: Yes!
Announcer: And do you like hot dogs?
Kids: Yes!
Announcer: And what are (meat products such as those described by announser are shown on screen) burgers, hot dogs, sausages, chicken nuggets, fishsticks, and other such foods made out of?
Girl #1: Well, I don't know
Boy #1: Don't be silly, they're made out of meat!
Announcer: Of course! And would you like some meat right now?
Girl #2: Why would we want meat?
Announcer: To make all those foods you like, of course! And now you can make meat in your very own home with...
(kids are tossed box containing MY VERY OWN MEAT PACKING PLANT)
Kids: MY VERY OWN MEAT PACKING PLANT!
Announcer: Yes, it's My very own meat packing plant, the cool new toy that lets you turn any animal into food!
Boy #2: But we don't have any cows, or pigs, or chickens!
Announcer: Who needs them? You can use any animal you want! Nobody cares what it is, as long as they can eat it!
Girl #3: Really?
Announcer: Sure! Nobody really knows what animals go into meat! Everytime you eat sausage or chicken nuggets, you could be eating rat meat or horse meat!
Boy #3: Well, my apartment does get a lot of bugs.
Girl #4: And there's a dead squirrel right outside our house down the
street!
Announcer: Hey, now you're catching on!

(kids go home to play with MY VERY OWN MEAT PACKING PLANT, roadkill,
rodents, and insects in hand)

Girl #5: What do we do now?
Announcer: First, you load in the carcasses!
Girl #1: But some of these animals aren't really dead!
Announcer: Who cares? They'll be dead anyway!
Girl #1: Well, okay! (the kids put in the various animal parts)
Announcer: Then, you flip the pack-o-matic switch, which turns all of those animals into meat! (they do so and the machine does so that loud chopping and gringing noises are heard, and blood comes spewing out of the machine. Processed meat, oozing with blood and other fluids, comes out of the other end.)
Boy #4: Now what do we do? It looks disgusting.
Announcer: Hey, you don't call hamburgers and hot dogs disgusting, now do you?
Girl #5: Well, no, but now that we see what it looks like, it's gross!
Announcer: It doesn't have to be gross, now does it? All you have to do is cook it, and you've got dinner! And you can make more meat if it's not enough, just empty out the waste tray and start all over again!
Girl #4: (pulls out waste tray, which is filled with blood) Hey, what
happened to all the bones and intestines and other stuff?
Announcer: It didn't just disappear, it's in the meat!
Girl #4: You mean the meat is full of ground-up bones and intestines?
Announcer: Of course! Isn't meat full of it? And that's good because it
doesn't let any part of the animal go to waste!
(the kids grind the meat and cook it in the kitchen)
Boy #3: I wonder how it's going to taste.
Girl #1: I don't feel too well, but I'm ready to cook some burgers!
Boy #1: Maybe you have food poisoning from handling raw meat. By the way, how do you take care of raw meat?
Announcer: Well, (stumped) that's for you to find out! And it won't matter when you're eating that delicious meat!
(the kids are in the kitchen, eating the hamburgers that they made with the roadkill and insects. They don't like the taste)
Boy #2: It doesn't taste right, but 9cheerful again) it's the best meat we ever made.
Girl #2: It's the only meat we ever made, silly!
Boy #2: Oh yeah. Well, we can always make more, thanks to my very own meat packing plant! (looks at MY VERY OWN MEAT PACKING PLANT, as cat goes into the machine)
Boy #1: (runs over to cat, pulling her away from the machine) Don't go in there Peaches!
Girl #3: That was close! It's a good thing Peaches didn't go in there or else he would be dead meat-literally!
(they all laugh hysterically)
Boy #4: But even if he did, he might still taste better than what we've
made!
(they all laugh even harder)

(product is shown onscreen)
Announcer My Very own meat-packing plant comes with all its parts, plus
waste tray, storage containers, antibiotics and rubber gloves. 12 9-Volt batteries, cleanup kit and decontamination kit not included. Some assembly required. From Zypac, the makers of (shows other products) My Very Own Steel Mill, My Very Own Munitions Plant, and coming out this summer, My Very Own Nuclear Reactor.

(fade out)

Don Pardo: Next week, our musical guest will be Moby, who is a vegan, and right now, having aired that last commercial pardoy most of our viewers are as well.

atk@warwick.net
Kilduff

"Wake of the Dolls"

Barbie...Kirsten Dunst
Jem...Amy Poehler
G.I Joe...Darrell Hammond
Ken...Seth Myers
Stretch Armstrong...Jeff Richards
Shara...Maya Rudolph

(In the background, various model types are walking about, holding each other.
Barbie is seated in the midst of this, a cup of soda and a plate of lasagna in
front of her. Seated on either side of her are Jem and G.I Joe. Jem has an
orange soda, while G.I Joe has a beer).

Barbie: Jeez, I can't believe this happenned. I mean, yeah, she was 85, but I
thought she'd live forever...That doesn't sound that dumb, right?

Jem: Barb, don't worry! When I went off the air in '88, I wept for a while, but
I've managed to keep on, and I'm sure that you will, too!

Joe: Here's to the doll-makers...may they all get plastic surgery!

Joe, Jem and Barbie: (Toasting) L'Chaim!

Barbie: Thanks for being here, you guys...I needed a lift up!

Jem: I'd say you had an easy job on that one!

Barbie: (Sighing) Yeah, they are pretty impressive, aren't they?

(Ken and Stretch Armstrong enters the scene, flowers in their hands).

Ken: Hey, Barbie, sorry I couldn't make it earlier...I had to get some flowers!
You know, it's the least I could do...I mean, your creator died, and I'm sorry
about that, so I figured some flowers would cheer you up.

Barbie: Thank you so much. Hey, Stretch, how's it going with you?

Stretch: I just feel sorry for you, so I bought some lasagna...you don't already
have any, do you?

Barbie: Well, I do, but feel free to put it on that table over there! Oogh, I'm
gonna gain a lot of weight!

Ken: Well, you know what they say, "the bigger the cushion, the sweeter the
pushin'"! (Hi-fiving Stretch and Joe) Yow!

Barbie: (Giggling) Oh, be quiet, you guys...you don't honestly think that, do
you?

Joe: Of course we do...you were designed with the right measurements after all!
(Sigh) I'm gonna get another beer...can I get anything for you guys?

Stretch: Root beer...

Ken: Lemon-lime...

Barbie and Jem: More lasagna!

Joe: Okay, coming up, you guys!

(Another doll enters the scene...an African-American fashion doll named Shara,
dressed in a business suit and kente cloth)

Shara: Hello, Barbie! How's it going?

Barbie: It's going good, Shara...guys, this is my old friend Shara! We share the
same birth year, and we've shared some girlfriends!

Ken: (Bulging his eyes) You were a lesbian?

Barbie: Ken, don't be angry...it was only for a brief time!

Ken: (Happily) Angry...who's angry? That's amazing...you two oughta put on a
show once Barbie is done grieving...I could co-star, and Stretch here...well, he
speaks for himself!

Barbie: I'll think about it!

Shara: I bought you some food...I've got some Andouille sausage sandwiches, some
strawberry cake, and...

Barbie: Lasagna?

Shara: How'd you guess?

Barbie: Call it a hunch...put it on the table over there!

(Joe enters the scene again)

Joe: Sorry I took so long...

Barbie: G.I, were you hitting on Skipper again?

Joe: No, I wasn't, but I should be getting home! Hey, Stretch, give me a lift!

Stretch: Okay! (Stretch grabs G.I Joe, and both exit the scene)

Jem: So, are you doing okay, Barbie?

Barbie: Yeah, I'm doing alright...I just wasn't expecting this to happen! I'll
still have the dream house, right?

Jem: I don't see why not, but if things don't work out as you planned, give
Jerrica Benton a buzz at this number, (Jem hands Barbie a slip of paper with
some numbers on it) and she'll see what she can do!

Barbie: She won't mind?

Jem: No, she understands what it's like to lose someone! Hey, I'll order a
pizza...back in a few! Keep your chin up, Barb!

Barbie: That should be easy...my body was built that way!

(Barbie digs into her lasagna as we fade out with Dead Or Alive's "I Wanna Be A
Toy", going into the SNL "Empire State Building" bumper)

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Replies:

Patrick's Thoughts II -- Patrick Lonergan, 21:33:05 05/05/02 Sun