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Date Posted: 22:21:00 05/02/02 Thu
Author: Patrick Lonergan
Subject: 05/11/02 Sketch Submissions - input and suggestions requested

"Agnes, John, James"
Robert Urich...Jeff Richards
Layne Staley...Seth Myers
Byron White...Darrell Hammond
Linda Lovelace...Kirsten Dunst
Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopez...Maya Rudolph
Jesus...Will Ferrell

(Fade in on a coffee house...except this isn't your average coffee house. We see
some dead celebrities hanging out in comfy chairs, sipping from big mugs of
coffee. They are actor Robert Urich, alternative rocker Layne Staley, former
Supreme Court justice Byron White, porn star-turned-anti-porn crusader Linda
Lovelace and R&B rapper-singer Lisa "Left-Eye" Lopez. In the background, we hear
Mike + The Mechanics' "The Living Years".)

Robert: So, this is Heaven...the population up here almost rivals the population
of Earth.

Byron: Well, millions of people die everyday...it's bound to happen. Pass the
sugar, please...

Layne: Hey, I'm thankful I got here. I thought the heroin would count against my
chances of getting in here. At least I got the monkey off my back once and for
all...too bad it took a fatal OD for that to happen.

Linda: I thought my adult movie career would count against me as well. Luckily,
bailing out of it and turning against it worked in my favor.

Lisa: I just hope the kids will enjoy that center I opened for them a few hours
before my accident. You know, I honestly wasn't expecting to get here so soon.
One blink of the eye, and Fwoosh, I'm up here! Linda, you regret what you did,
right?

Linda: Only a little, but that doesn't mean I hate seeing my old adult film
buddies up here...I met John Holmes while taking in a concert performance by
John Lennon and George Harrison. When do you think Paul and Ringo will arrive?

Byron: 10 years for one...20 for the other. Take that however you want.

Linda: I did back in the old days.

Robert: You can tell dirty jokes up here?

Linda: Yeah, I read that in a paper at the Pearly Gates.

Lisa: I read the same thing...I knew that speed-reading course would help me
somewhere along the line, and now I can thank Evelyn Wood in person.

Robert: The guy who founded the Chiat ad agency is dead. You remember the "1984"
ad for Apple?

Layne: Oh yeah...a guy with a wicked javelin hurling said weapon into a giant
computer screen...that would've been good to spoof in an Alice In Chains video!

Robert and Byron: I thought you alternative guys didn't have a sense of humor?

Layne: Oh, we all did...we just thought it cooler to hide it under the exterior
of "I Don't Give A Damn".

Lisa: If I survived, that ad would've been spoofed in the video for the first
single from my solo album. That would've been damn awesome.

Linda: Better be quiet with that word...here comes Jesus now!

Jesus: Hey, Frankie, a cup of joe, with a strawberry flavor shoot in it!
(Turning around) So, guys, how do you like the place so far?

Robert: I'm loving every minute of it...Say, who wants to go with me to see that
Frank Sinatra concert? I've got Greg Morris and the Tooz coming along.

Layne: I would, but I'm going to see JERC...the J is for John Bonham, the E is
for Elvis Presley, the R is for Joey Ramone and the C is for Randy Castillo.
That's a great line-up if ever I heard one.

Linda: I'm seeing the Really Grateful Dead...Jerry Garcia, Janis Joplin, Jim
Morrison and Jimi Hendrix...it's surprising how fast those 3 got back up here
after that reincarnation business! (Another Val Kilmer episode reference...JEK)

Byron: As for me, I've got Glenn Miller, Duke Ellington and Louis Armstrong on
the "Giants Of Jazz" tour. I hear they do a wicked "New York versus the South"
triplet.

Lisa: Marvin Gaye, Aaliyah and Curtis Mayfield are what I'm aiming to see
myself. That's a great line-up.

Jesus: Good news...they're all playing at the same arena. Lenny Bruce, Sam
Kinison, Milton Berle and Redd Foxx are doing in-between acts comedy.

The group: Excellent!

Jesus: So, Robert, do you have a date?

Robert: Well, I was going to ask Marilyn, but her dance card is filled for the
next thousand years, so I picked Dawn Steel. We're discussing a new movie
project with Julia Phillips. I would be starring with a lot of people in a
cameo-filled tale of life up here. A whimsical romatic comedy, if you will.

Lisa: I'm gonna chat with Biggie, Eazy-E and Tupac about a new album. I want to
call it "The Best Of The Afterworld". Perhaps you'd be interested in
contributing, Layne?

Layne: Perhaps, but I've got to do some work with Buddy Holly, the members of
the Allman Brothers Band who are up here, and Bon Scott from AC/DC.

Linda: I'm going to just relax, and catch up on my reading...since porn stars
can be here, but you can't make porn itself, I might try for a role in Urich's
new movie, if that's okay, Robert?

Robert: Why not? Everybody wants in on this piece. What say you, Byron?

Byron: Well, I'm catching up with Lincoln and Washington in a few days. We're
going to see a football game with one team coached by Bear Bryant and the other
by Walter Payton.

Jesus: Well, you guys all know what you're going to do, so let's get to that
concert.

Robert: (V.O) So, off we went, excited for whatever new adventures would await
us here in Heaven.

Linda: (V.O) No matter what happens, hopefully, we all end up here someday...

Lisa: (V.O) As the eternities flow on, so do the celebrities who come here...

Layne: (V.O) I can't deny my maker...I've met him face-to-face. We're playing
pool tomorrow with Jackie Gleason.

Byron: We might as well make the best of the after-life. It's always quite an
interesting time up here.

Robert: (V.O) I made some new friends, and I can only hope that those people
down on Earth can do the same someday!

Lisa: (V.O) Enough talking, let's listen to the band.

(We hear Marvin Gaye's vocals as we pull away from this scene into the clouds)

Marvin Gaye: (V.O) "Don't punish me with brutality/Talk to me, so you can
see/What's going on, what's going on"...

(Fade to the Statue Of Liberty SNL bumper as the song continues while we go to
commercial)







Emily Cadic
Mommy...the dogs!!!!!!!!!!

Mrs. Burton- Kirsten Dunst
Mr. Burton- Jimmy Fallon
Little Susie- Amy Poehler
Teacher- Ana Gasteyer

(Family is sitting at the table eating cereal, reading the newspaper, ect. Susie is staring at the two family dogs who have started humping each other)

Susie- Mommy!Daddy! The dogs are dancing!!(staring more and realizing that what they are doing is not dancing) Mommy...what are the doggies doing??
Mrs. Burton-(nudges her husband obviously unsure about how to handle the situation)
Mr. Burton-(amused by the events) Knick Knack Patty Whack...give a dog a BONE!!!!!!!!!!!
Mrs. Burton- Greg!!!!!
Susie-(still curious) Mommy, what are the doggies doing?
Mrs. Burton- Well, honey(coughs) Remember when we talked about where babies come from? This is kinda like that.....(suddenly distracted by the dogs who are once again humping.)
Mrs. Burton-Covering her daughters eyes) It's time for school! Come on nothing to see here, lets go lets go!
Mr. Burton- Come on you two, get a dog house or something!
(Mrs. Burton and Susie exit)
DAYS LATER
(Mr. and Mrs. B sitting at a conference table with Susie's teacher)
Teacher- Mr. and Mrs. Burton, let me first say that your daughter is...umm..er..creative. What I called you to this meeting for us on behalf of that creativity, which she has chosen to express in this picture.(teacher holds up picture obviously a child's drawing, it is of two dogs humping)
(Mother is shocked, however father is laughing)
Teacher- Can you possibly explain this??
Mr. Burton- Our dogs can be a little RUFF! at times.(laughing at his own joke)
Mrs.Burton-(hits her husband)shh!
Teacher- My word! I don't think the child should be exposed to such things!!
Mr. Burton- Well they don't even bother to lock the door!
Teacher- That's absurd, Mr. Burton, dogs do not have thumbs.
Father-(looks at picture)Wow you're certainly right about her creativity!Look at this! She's even drawn the...(cut off by teacher)
Teacher-ENOUGH!!!!You know I'm beginning to believe that the problem is not the dogs, but the PARENTS!You are exscused.
(Mr. and Mrs. Burton exiting)
Mrs. Burton-(to her husband) Our problem?!We always lock our door!!




tom harmer"
Shoplifting At Home

[Parody of Shop At Home]

[Our host and head shoplifting dealer Mr. Don "West" Side. Starts off displaying some items that he supposedly indicated "fell off a trunk." We then zoom into the action as Don is ready sell the next "hot" item.]

Don "West" Side: Allllllllllllll Right!!!!!!! Welcome back to Shoplifting At Home, if you didn't get in on that last deal you probably were jail doing 10-20 its all right, we got another deal thats blow your mind!! O man! Kenny are with me????!!

[producer announces to Don "West" Side, Kenny was killed in a police shoot out]

Don "West" Side: O my they killed KENNY! You BASTARDS!

[producer than comes back and interrupt's saying they've found a replacement]

Don "West" Side: Ok folks we just got this in, our new merchandise director is E.B. Onics, E.B. are you with me?

E.B. Onics: Yeh I'm with you HONKEY fool! Did you get that mofo merchandise dog? Holla Back.

Don "West" Side: E.B. you gotta be chillin on some made chronic kid, this is gotta be the greatest deal in Shoplifting home history!! Item number 111696969, are we correct on this EB? We only 3 of these?

E.B. Onics: Yeh dog! Took me to get this damn things! These are 3 Hubcaps from Fat boy Slim's Rolls Royce, than mofo damn near killed my ass! Shoot I was piss I almost got the 4th one.

Don "West" Side: BEAR WITH ME BEAR WITH ME E.B., folks I want you to pick up the phone and dial for $4,999.00 THIS IS CRAZY EB, this CRAZY!!!!! I tell you what E.B. were gonna give a 1:00 clock on this cause I know these things are gonna sell out like hotcakes with 3 left. Folks, I tell you what I got in on 4 hubcaps that were owned by Kid Rock I still haven't gotten caught yet, so pick up the phone and dial! Verifying on another! 1 left!!!!!!! OMG !!!!! WE SOLD OUT EB!!!!!!!! SOLD OUT!

EB Onics: Shooot I hope those mofo's who chimed in this deal must be smoking Chinese weed dog! I wouldn't pay 2 cents off my welfare check for them, shoot Fat Boy Slim gonna kill whoever got them caps.

Don "West" Side: Whoa! Whoa! Fat Boy, remember at Shoplifting at Home we have 30 days policy if your not caught in 30 days, then you've committed the perfect crime, and are probably counting the minuted instead of the days until your either gonna be busted or in a coffin! Buy Hey this is what makes Shoplifting at home the winners we are! All Folks phone lines are clear, next item EB...OOOOOOOOO MAN! You gotta be kidding me EB!!!!

E.B. Onics: Psssssshhh Dog if I weren't kidding you, your HONKEY ass be lining next that cracker Kenny! All my shiznick is 100% Hottter than hell.

Don "West" Side: Here is it item, number 44689696969. Now these 100 % confiscated from from the police precinct am I right my soul brotha EB?

E.B. Onics: I ain't your soul brotha, you HONKEY mofo shoot, I mean something when I say it dog, I stole these right under their noses when I got busted for selling that crazy chronic on 14th street! I was like thank you very much. Booooo YA!!!!!! I was out!

Don "West" Side: HAHAHAHA! Whoa your starting to get some feedback there EB!

E.B. Onics: Naw dog, thats just my police scanner, 5-0 could bust my ass at any time, besides I bought this off here you remember while back you sold it to me.

Don "West" Side: O yeh thats when I carjacked that swat vehicle and we the officer asleep at the wheel, your not gonna see those deals anywhere else folks which is why you need to pick up the phone and dial. Now these are 100% Serial Numbered scratched 33 Inch Zenith's am I right EB?......EB?

[The sound of police raiding EB's home is heard]

EB Onics: Yo Man, FREE ABU JAMAL man, I didn't do anything man!!! Piece of junk police dont do crap, Ima kill you white HONKEY Mofo West Side, you screwed with....... get off me me man!!! I'm innocent I'm innocent......aite aite lemme make my phone call......can it be a 1-900 number?]

[producer comes over the air and announces the police are about to raid any second]

Don "West" Side: Okay folks EB looks he's going to be doing some time! I only got a couple seconds, but remember if you want in any of these deals......

[Police enter and immediately charge Don West Side, they shackle em]

Don "West" Side: Remember to come back again! I'll be back in 20 years.....

[Police than gag WEST SIDE and escort him off as they confiscate the merchandise]

[This has been another edition of Shoplifting at Home, if you would like see this show televised again please donate 2.5 million dollars to bail Don West Side out, remember we give the best deals are the "hot"test merchandise in the world.]




res0qg0x"
Celebritrol for All
written by Jill Elizabeth Scott
inthisday90405@yahoo.com (310)560-6110


Tina
Sue
Johnny



Two women in their mid-thirties are sitting at a kitchen table. They are
sipping coffee. A young boy is sitting on the floor staring blankly out into
the audience.


Tina: So how are you Sue? I haven't seen you in weeks.

Sue: Not too well Tina.

Tina: Why? What's wrong Sue?

Sue: I don't know. Sometimes I just feel... you know... anxious. I worry
sometimes.

Tina: About what?

Sue: You know the usual things. The boys, Jack's job, bills. I guess it's
perfectly normal.

Tina: That's what I used to think too.

Sue: So you worry too.

Tina: Well I used to worry. I even cried sometimes.

( Sue leans forward with concern)

Tina: Like last year, when I found out my favorite cousin had been killed in
that freak tanning salon accident.

Sue: I remember Tina.... She did have a lovely glow at the viewing though.

Tina: Yes she really did. But do you know I actually cried when I heard the
news. And not just that day but at the funeral as well. I felt sad, confused,
angry, and...pale.

Sue: Well, you were very close to Patsy. It's only natural that you would be
affected by her death.

Tina: Natural?... I don't think so. You see Sue, what I was experiencing are
called feelings. Feelings affect us on a very deep level. They color our
perceptions of reality. That's why my doctor recommended Celebritrol by Erked
Pharmaceuticals.

Sue: You're taking anti-depressants? I didn't know.

Tina: I prefer to think of them as science's answer to emotional contentment. I
can't believe the difference it's made in my life. Remember last month when my
golden retriever, Scamp, was run over by the recycling truck?

Sue: Yes. I'm so sorry.

Tina: Don't be! Scamp who?

Sue: I see.

Tina: I even got a prescription for Johnny. He use to obsess about everything.
Why is the sky blue? Why do zebras have stripes? Does God have a first name? If
so, what is it?
On and on.

Sue: Oh Tina, that must have been maddening.

Tina: It was Sue. It truly was. But thanks to Celebritrol, my Johnny is far less
annoying even tolerable. Now he works things out all by himself. No muss, no
fuss, and no unwanted interruptions during my precious "me time". Isn't that
right, honey?

( Johnny continues staring blankly at the audience)

Sue: Is that what he's doing now?

Tina: Oh, I don't know. The point I'm trying to make is that no one need suffer
from pesky emotions or inquisitive five year olds any longer. The answers to
vitally all life's problems can be found in these two little pills taken twice
daily for the rest of your natural born life.

Sue: Sounds..

Tina: ( Cutting her off) Heavenly? Oh it is Sue. It really is. Even my youngest
is taking them... chewable for toddlers.

Sue: And how is she doing?

Tina: I don't know. I haven't seen her in days. At least I don't think I have...

( Tina expression goes blank. She stares off into space)

Sue:( Concerned) Tina? Tina?

Tina: ( Startled and suddenly angry) Who the hell are you and what are you doing
in my kitchen?

Sue: I'm your next store neighbor.

Tina: The alien or the undercover C.I.A. operative?

Sue: I'm an office manager.

Tina: ( Jumping up from her chair) Liar!! Get out of here before I gut you like
a fish!!

( Sue jumps up and runs offstage)

Tina: ( yelling after her) And tell that bastard Richard Simmons to stop
taunting me with bake goods in my sleep!

( Tina goes blank again. She slowly sits down. After a moment, she regains
clarity and returns to her perky self)

Tina: ( Looking around the room with mild confusion) Sue? Sue? Johnny, have you
seen Sue? She was here a minute ago.

(Johnny continues staring blankly. He is drooling slightly.)

Tina: ( shrugging it off) Oh well.

( She smiles pleasantly and continues drinking her coffee)

End



Falwell's Follies
written by Jill Elizabeth Scott
inthisday90405@yahoo.com
(310) 560-6110

Jerry Falwell
Four Male College Students
Cher Impersonator
Boy in panic
Man in closet
Announcer


Announcer: For years, Liberty University has strove to instill in it's
students the strict Christian beliefs of it's founder Rev. Jerry Falwell. But a
recently reported sex scandal has rocked the very foundation of the
institution. Several male students have been accused of participating in
homosexual acts. Rev. Falwell reportedly ordered an immediate news black out
about this most upsetting matter. He has done his best to comfort the members
of the student body.

A college dorm room. Jerry Falwell is speaking to four very conservative looking
young men.

Falwell: We cannot let this situation deter us from our most righteous mission.
The Lord has anointed me to led you all and teach you all in the ways of the
moral and the holy. So that you might take over the fight when the good Father
calls this brother home. There was a serpent in our mists. That serpent
corrupted a few of your brothers. Tempted him to commit the most abominable sin
known to God. That sin is not the sin of murder or rape or child abuse as some
of the leftist anti-christians in this country would have you believe. No, that
most offensive sin, is the sin of homo-sexuality. Your brothers were taken from
us. Drawn away into the deepest depths of debauchery for a moment of penial
titil-lation.(beat) I blame Showtime. But together we will get through this
horrific trial.
We will continue to spread the light of true Christian morality into this dark
world. Because my brothers, we have Je-sus on our side. We will not falter.
Praise the Lord and God bless Liberty University.

All in unison: Amen.

( Jerry exits. The students remain silent for a moment.)

Student 1: ( Bursting out) Oh my God, he's so cute!

Student 2: Yuck. He's old enough to be your grandfather.

Student 1: What can I say? I like older men.

Student 3: They say power is the ultimate aphrodisiac.

Student 2: I always heard it was a great ass.

Student 3: ( Playfully slapping hitting student 2) Slut!

( Student 4 picks up a book entitled " Christian Fundamentalism". He begins
reading quietly on his bed.)

Student 1 : ( To student 4) You can drop the charade Paul. Jerry's gone.

( Student 4 removes the cover of the book. It's the autobiography of Tallulah
Bankhead)

Student 2: ( sweetly) Tallulah.

( Student 3 turns on the stereo. " Principles of Lust" plays as student 3
dances seductively around the stage to the rhythm of the music.)

Student 2: I think there's a serpent in our mists.

Student 3: Is there ever.

( Loud knock at the door. The students scramble back to normal study positions.)

Student 2: ( Walking to door) Remember use your straight voice, Paul. And
Joshua, absolutely no jazz hands.

( Student 2 opens the door. Falwell enters the room.)

Falwell: I'm sorry to disturb your studies again boys. But I wanted to make one
thing very clear. ( He notices a pink pastry box on one of the students desk.)
What's that! ( He picks up the box from the desk and reads the label.) La Patit
Chatoo?!

Student 2: Actually it's Petite Chateau. Petite Chateau. See like that.

( Falwell opens the box.)

Falwell: (Enraged) CROISSANTS!!! INFIDELS !!!

Student 2: ( Throwing hands up.) Jigs up boys.

Student 1: No Reverend. You don't understand.

Falwell: ( Calming himself.) Don't you know croissants can turn a normal red
blooded heterosexual man into a flaming homo-sexual almost instantly. Anything
french can. And sometimes things from Italy too. For instance, I-talian shoes.
That's why I only wear Hush Puppies. Every God fearing fundamentalist man I
know, wears Hush Puppies. These shoes can do what the love of a good woman
can't, it can keep you straight.

( Student 4 looks at his shoes. Then subtly removes them.)

Falwell: ( Continuing his rant.) But the french, anything from that country
will make you gayer than a Vermont democrat. Why we didn't even have
homo-sexuals in this country until they brought over that Statue of Liberty. I
tell you boys that no lady, that an ugly french man in drag. Croissants! This is
very disturbing indeed.

Student 1: We got them for research purposes only Reverend. We know all about
the french and their Moulin Rouge loving ways.

( Student 2 starts quietly humming " Lady Marmalade". Student 1 gives him a
dirty look and he stops immediately.)

Student 1: Know thy enemy Reverend. That's why we have these flaky pastries of
man loving man sin. Know thy enemy.

( Student 2 reaches into the box and takes a croissant. He joyfully stuffs it
into his mouth.)

Student 2: And their pastries too.

Falwell: ( Pleased by answer.) Yes, of course. Good thinking. But you must be
careful. The devil is a crafty sort, like the french. Be sure the desire to know
your enemy doesn't become the desire to know your enemy. You know, my enemies
have always been known to me. That's how I've been able to continue on with my
holy mission for so many years.
Jerry Falwell knows the face of his enemy.

( Just then a Cher impersonator enters the room.)

Cher: Excuse me. I forgot my wrap.

( She makes her way across the room and retrieves her wrap.)

Student 3: Break a leg tonight.

Cher: Thanks. Night all.

( She exits.)

Falwell: ( Smiling mischievously) Quite a looker that one. But remember, no
girls in the dorms.( Winks) That's what the Swaggert Motel is for.

Student 2: I know it well.

Student 1: ( Whispers to him) Tramp.

Falwell: Now listen, I don't want anyone talking to the press about the present
situation. The holy man knows when to keep silent and when to lie his ass off.
This is a time for silence.
Student 1: Absolutely.

( A boy comes running into the room)

Boy: Reverend! I'm sorry to disturb you but we've got a real problem!

Falwell: What's wrong?!

Boy: My roommate just walked into our room wearing a designer shirt and it's
pastel!!

Falwell: Lord Jesus Have Mercy!!

( Falwell and the boy run out offstage. Student 2 closes the door.)

Student 2: Drama queens.

( Student 2 turns the stereo back on and begins dancing again. The closet door
opens. A man peaks his head out from behind the door.)

Man: Is he gone?

Student 2: Yes, you all can come out now.

( He bursts from the closet followed by several other young men.)

End




Matthew Pavic matt5190@hotmail.com

INFOMERCIAL PARODY: SPECIALTY MERCHANDISE CORPORATION

ON SCREEN - The following is a paid presentation for Specialty Merchandise Corporation
ANNOUNCER - OFF SCREEN - The following is a paid presentation for Specialty Merchandise Corporation.

CUT TO - EXT - TV STATION - DAY

CUT TO - INT - TV EDITING ROOM
Tom Bosley (the dad on Happy Days) and a young woman (early 30's) are seated, facing us.

BOSLEY - Hi, I'm Tom Bosley. You may remember me from the show "Happy Days"...

NO-NAME HOST - (smiling nervously) ...And I'm a no-name host, but still a somebody.

BOSLEY - Welcome to the wonderful world of Specialty Merchandise Corporation, or as we like to call it, SMC. Those three initials have been around for longer than I can remember, haven't they little girl?

NO-NAME HOST - Oh yes Tom, SMC's been in business for a very long time, in fact, quite a few years.
BOSLEY - Is that right? Golly, sounds like they've been making people rich for, I don't know, some time now?

NO-NAME HOST - Well Tom, it's not just about the money. It's also about the security of owning your own business, freedom from the punchcard, and not having to wipe a bosses ass. You know, things along those lines. And SMC has stood for a lot of things to a lot of people, such as stupid miniature carvings, and in todays show you'll hear from some of them. We hope they'll inspire you to give us a try.
BOSLEY - Well, let's have a look.

NO-NAME HOST - Okay Tom, let's put this show on the road! (laughs goofily)
No-name host inserts a tape into a VCR.

CUT TO - INT - LIVING ROOM - DAY

A cowboy (late 30's) faces us (close up on face)

COWBOY - Well, for me, SMC has stoods for small man can, cause....I've never been so smarts or went to any big schools of learnin. In facts, when I was a kid, I was diagnosed as "feeble minded". I went to a special school where everyone was a moron. Alls we did all day was play duck duck goose....(he pauses, a big grin comes to his face and his eyes "go googly", then back to normal).....I like duck duck goose.
CUT TO - EXT - MALL PARKING LOT - DAY

The Cowboy has a gift stand setup in the parking lot. He is showing a customer some of his merchandise.
COWBOY - OFF SCREEN - Alls I do is run this gift stand on the weekend. It's so easy to makes money. You don't hafs to be a great salesman or nothin. (AMAZED) The stuff sells itself! Like, alls I sayz is you buy, you buy, like some crazy Mexican? You buy, you buy? (laughs) I like actin like a crazy Mexican. That's my secret to success. I actually likes what I do.

CUT T0 - INT - TV CONTROL ROOM
Back to Tom Bosley and No-name host.

BOSLEY - Well, isn't that wonderful!
NO-NAME HOST - It sure is Tom. Not only does SMC stand for small man can, it could just as easily stand for stupid man can.

BOSLEY - I think it's safe to say that if he can do it, anyone can, but don't quote me on that. (laughs out loud)
NO-NAME HOST - Exactly. Now Tom, let's tell people a little bit more about SMC. Here's your script. (she hands him a script to read)

BOSLEY - (not reading the script yet) Now remember people, I only endorse companies that hire me. And I'll stand firm on that, otherwise I wouldn't be here. Ok, I'm ready to begin....(he begins reading from his script) Located somewhere in California with a huge showroom full of gifts and such....
CUT TO - EXT - SMC HEAD QUARTERS

BOSLEY - OFF SCREEN - .....With over 3500 products, SMC is one of the worlds biggest importers/exporters, dealing in fine had crafted carvings, among other things. (Looks up from script) You know, useless garbage you find in a giftshop.
NO-NAME HOST - And SMC has big beautiful catalogues that illustrate every product that they carry. Lets have a look at what you'll find in one of these catalogs, quality products such as these two playful hand carved puppies....

ONSCREEN - TWO HAND CARVED PUPPIES
NO-NAME HOST - OFFSCREEN - ...they retail for $9.50. Your cost for these adorable pups is only $3...that's over a 200 percent profit Tom! Another great product exclusively through SMC is this fake poo.

ONSCREEN - A CLUMP OF FAKE POO

CUT BACK TO TOM BOSLEY AND NO-NAME HOST
BOSLEY - (excited) Ooo! Fake poo! Does it smell?

NO-NAME HOST - Yes Tom. Not only does it eminate a mild pungent odour, it stays continuosly moist but will not stain. This great money maker retails for $3.50. Your cost: $1.50. That's a $2 profit....I guess SMC can also stand for smell my crap. (laughs)

BOSLEY - Smell my crap...isn't that nice. Take a look at this.
CUT TO - INT - LIVING ROOM OF A HOME - DAY

A couple in their early 30's are sitting on their couch facing us.
WIFE - We saw the SMC commercials on TV and thought, hey, we can sell this junk to our friends. As soon as we got our kit, we started hosting house parties and sold over $300 worth of merchandise the first time!

HUSBAND - We just follow the manuals advice. If someone doesn't spend atleast $40, we won't allow them to leave. But since we have to eventually let them go, we hit them up with a big guilt trip. We just say stuff like so and so spent over $100, why are you so cheap?
WIFE - I like saying "we invite you into our home, feed you, entertain you, bend over backwards for you, but you still won't buy? What kind of friends are you? Why did you even come? You know we want you to buy."

HUSBAND - It almost always works, though they never come back....but it's fun to do.
WIFE - Yes, absolutely. Causing your friends to feel guilty and shameful, like little children....it's a real power trip. (nodding)

HUSBAND - Tell them about your mothers friends from the old folks home. They're real easy to shame. I mean they'll put up with all kinds of abuse.
WIFE - (to husband) But they never have any money.

HUSBAND - Oh ya, your right (smacks his forhead)
Time shifts to a little bit later on....

HUSBAND - I guess what SMC has stood for to us would be stale mouldy cheese.
WIFE - (in agreement) Absolutely.

CUT BACK TO NO-NAME HOST
NO-NAME HOST - Stale moldy cheese....(dumbfounded)....I don't know what that's supposed to mean, but WOW, that's some powerful stuff!

CUT TO TOM BOSLEY (STANDING)
BOSLEY - SMC can also stand for suck...my...caw...(he pauses in mid sentence, mouth wide open, holding his breath, he looks left, then right, then straight back into the camera)...CROTCH! (as he says crotch, he powerfully motions his hands towards his crotch).

There is an awkward pause as No-name host just stares at Bosley for a few moments, quite shocked by what he just said. He slowly sits down.

NO-NAME HOST - Tom, I think we should move on....I think we have another product to show.
BOSLEY - (agitated) Call me Mr. Cunningham!

(she ignores him)
NO-NAME HOST - Here we have this ornament thingee....

ONSCREEN NOW SHOWS A CHRISTMAS ORNAMENT
NO-NAME HOST - OFF SCREEN - ....little trinket or what not. You can stick it on your Christmas tree. Anyone can sell these trinkets. They're lovely! And it only cost's you $4 to purchase! Making a hefty profit off this item is assured Tom!

BACK TO BOSLEY AND NO-NAME HOST
BOSLEY - How can SMC have such rock bottom prices you may ask? See this little wooden bunny? (he holds up it up) Hand carved by some freakin Mexican. All he wants is a little Tequila!....... SMC may also stand for stuffed my cat, but it doesn't. Take a look at this.

ONSCREEN IS A JEWELRY CHEST
NO-NAME HOST - Next we have this miniature jewelry chest. It can be used for almost anything such as storing old barbie doll outfits or as a jewelry box! (excited by the possibility's)

FOCUS CAMERA ON BOSLEY, STANDING AGAIN, HOLDING UP A CRYSTAL BIRD
BOSLEY - See this crystal bird?

He whips it against the wall, shattering it.
FOCUS CAMERA ONTO NO-NAME HOST AS SHE CRINGES IN HER CHAIR WITH HER HANDS HELD OVER HER HEAD, COWERING IN FEAR

FOCUS BACK ON BOSLEY
BOSLEY - (Angrily) Worth 7 bucks! But you could tell people it's worth a thousand dollars and they'd believe you! Why? BECAUSE THEY'RE STUPID! SMC stands for suckers mean cash. Suckers mean CASH people. Suckers mean cash. You'll remember that if you want to make any money.

FOCUS ON NO-NAME HOST

NO-NAME HOST - But SMC doesn't recommend that you do that. No, no, no, not at all.
FOCUS BACK ONTO BOSLEY SHAKING HIS HEAD "NO"

FOCUS BACK ONTO NO-NAME HOST
NO-NAME HOST - We only recomend that you sell these beautiful birds for $88. Folks, that's an easy $86 profit! Just imagine selling 100 of them!

FOCUS BACK ONTO BOTH OF THEM
BOSLEY - That's drug dealer money.

NO-NAMED HOST - (stunned) It's so easy, anyone can do it.
BOSLEY - Even a young black male with a criminal record, because SMC does not discriminate....(a long awkward pause)

NO-NAME HOST - So whether young or old, educated or uneducated....
BOSLEY - Black or white, polish or Italian.....

NO-NAME HOST - ambitious or just seeking part-time income, your dreams can come true with SMC. Thank you for having joined us. Goodnight.
BOSLEY - Night.





Agnes, John, James"
=...Eminem
Eminem's Reincarnation...Chris Kattan
Rhonda...Rachel Dratch
Nik...Kirsten Dunst
W-KILL...Tracy Morgan
Elias...Will Ferrell
God...Darrell Hammond
The Devil...Jeff Richards
...Blake Edwards
Announcer (V.O)...Chris Parnell

Announcer: (V.O) Eminem was a rapper who had it all...Groupies, drugs, critical
acclaim, and the love of those he belittled in his songs, like women and
homosexuals...until now!

(Cut to a backstage scene, where Eminem has a reefer in his mouth. 2 women enter
the scene)

Rhonda: Like, oh my God, it's really him!

Eminem: Yeah, what do you want?

Nik: We want an autograph...

Rhonda: More accurately, we want a more permanent souvenier of you.

Eminem: What's that?

(Rhonda and Nik whip out some guns)

Nik: Nik and Rhonda of the GLF...Gay Liberation Front! Say goodnight, candy boy!

(Eminem is shot bloody, and we see him in Purgatory)

Announcer: Now, he's headed for the unknown...

Eminem: Hey, man, where the (bleep) is this?

God: This is purgatory...now, on the one hand, you've been a good religious
person like all you rappers are.

Eminem: Cool...so, I get into Heaven?

God: Well, you've also displayed some typical rap star traits...hypocrisy,
homophobia and misogynism, so you might go to Hell.

Eminem: Aw, (bleep)in' A wrong, man!

God: Well, Mr. "Melts In Your Mouth and Not In Your Hand"...let's make a deal.
I'll send you back to Earth for one more shot at getting into Heaven, but
there's a catch...

Eminem: What's that?

Announcer: He has become what he fears most...

(Eminem wakes up back on Earth, and he looks in the mirror...only he doesn't see
himself. He sees a man in a Judy Garland T-shirt. We see Em freaking out in the
mirrors while in the background, we hear Ethel Merman singing "You'll Be Swell,
You'll Be Great, Gonna have the world on a plate, starting here, starting now,
Everything's coming up roses!")

Eminem's Reincarnation: (In an effeminate voice) What the (bleep)? Is that me?

God: Well, that's the catch...the whole world has turned against you in your
previous form. They're celebrating your death...now, you have to find one man
who loves you, and you're doing it in that body!

E.R: Aw, (bleep)!

W-KILL (V.O): Yo, Em, you in there?

E.R: (Effeminately) Come in...(Catching himself, and now speaking in a
supposedly deep voice) I mean, come in!

W-KILL: (Entering the scene) Um, Em, where are you?

Eminem: (V.O) Jeez Louise, what now?

E.R: He's gone for a while...I'm his housesitter, Terry!

W-KILL: Okay, when he gets in, tell him that he has an early morning concert to
perform!

E.R: Okay, hot stuff...

Eminem: (V.O) Hot stuff...Oh, no, am I gay now? Frig, what about the concert?

Announcer: Will he pull off this final concert?

(Fade to a stage, where W-KILL is introducing the main act)

W-KILL: All my bizzitches and nizziggaz in da place, if you want Eminem, let me
hear you holla "(Bleep) YEAH!".

(The audience repeats the chant 3 times)

W-KILL: Already, ladies and gentleman, the wigga of the hour, he's bitter and
sour, Emi-(bleep)ing-nem!

(E.R walks out on stage, and the audience starts booing)

E.R: Um, Eminem couldn't make it, but listen to this! (To the tune of "People")
"People, people who hate people, are the happiest people in the world!" (To the
tune of "Putting It Together") "(Bleep) and (bleep), putting (bleep) together,
(bleep)ing scum, I hate them like the (bleep) under my shoe" (The audience
slowly starts applauding, as another reindition is performed, this time to the
tune of "Evergreen") "Slut, plunge my knife into you! Slut, I'll kill you after
I love you" (Stock footage of women fainting and crying)

(More footage of E.R performing...the performance is capped off by a new
reindition of "Hello Dolly")

E.R: Well, goodbye, (bleep)holes! Hope you die, (bleep)holes! You're a tard if
you take my (bleep) seriously, oh yeah! I'm such a creepy jerk, ya love it! I'm
mighty and I'm above it! Melissa Etheridge and Elton John and Madonna love me, I
can't go wrong because I'm me! I'm Eminem, and I'm back and
gay...TONIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHT!

Announcer: Now, he's found true love, or has he?

(Fade to backstage, where E.R is chatting with a man named Elias)

Elias: You were wonderful, Eminem!

E.R: Oh, I was joking about being called that!

Elias: No, I know it's you!

E.R: Why, how, silly?

Elias: Because I just instructed all those people to cheer for you...it was all
a fake!

E.R: What's this leading to?

Elias: Your death! (Elias pulls out a gun and shoots E.R. We now see the real
Slim Shady on his way to Hell. He sees the devil at the gates of fire)

Devil: Okay, you'll be jabbed in the eye with a red-hot poker for all eternity!
You failed the test! Goodbye, knucklehead!

Eminem: What? That's bull(bleep)! That's (bleep)! (Bleep) you! (A metal clamp
appears on Eminem's mouth as he's kicked through the gates. Text on-screen says
"The End", but we cut to director Blake Edwards)

Blake: Well, there you go, that's the condensed version of "Switch 2: Switch Off
The Hook". Eminem was totally bombed out of his mind during the shoot, so I gave
him an appropriate send-off in the movie, and just to protect myself for when he
sobers up, I've put building-high gates around my home! As for "Switch 2"
itself...Hey, what kind of movie would you expect from the guy who directed
"Victor/Victoria"?

(Fade to the "SNL" band, performing "Night Train" as we go to commercial)

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