| Subject: X Factor Wrap Party |
Author:
Alex for Nox
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Date Posted: 10:13:41 12/14/04 Tue
I bet you’re all wondering what happened at the wrap party last night. Well I was there so all can be revealed. I have faithfully transcribed everything I saw and heard and hope this clears up any lingering doubts or confusion.
Scene: X-Factor Wrap Party
Posters of the finalists adorn the walls of the brightly lit room.
Buffet tables grown under the weight of finger food. White-suited waiters mill about carrying silver trays of champagne precariously balanced on out stretched fingers.
Simon and Steve are grinning like Cheshire cats. There’s a lot of back slapping going on.
Louis’s face is as sour as the dip he’s dunking his crudite into.
G4 are having yet another group hug.
Rowetta is crying. No one knows why, but no one really cares anymore.
Tabby’s guitar is hanging around his neck. Ozzy is trying to teach him how to play a G chord.
Kate Thornton is reading her notes.
Sharon returns from the ladies having adjusted her bra so that her chest is actually touching her chin.
The party goers drift together as Steve takes up the microphone.
Steve: Take a look at me nowooooow.
Sharon: Oh shut up Steve you conceited git
Simon: Now now Sharon, stop that. We’re not on camera now. You’ve done your job. Here, take this.
(Simon slips Sharon a brown envelope)
Jonathan: Hey, what’s in the envelope Simon?
Simon: It’s Sharon’s P45.
Sharon: Stuff you Simon, you’re just jealous because I had Tabby
Tall one from G4: I can vouch for that. I caught Sharon and Tabby behind the clothes rack in wardrobe…
Simon: Who the hell names their son after a cat anyway?
Fat one from G4: At least he’s got a name.
Jonathan: Don’t worry, I still love you.
Eyebrows: I thought you loved me!
Jonathan: (Crying) I love you both equally and I’ll never forget you when I’m a superstar and you’re back busking on the street. If I happen to be passing, I might even throw you a few pennies.
Tall one from G4: What about me?
(Louis spots an opportunity)
Louis: We’ll start a new group. We’ll call them Eastlife. What do you think?
Tall one from G4: Fantastic. Who else will be in it.
Louis: Well I hear Mark and Sam are looking for a deal and there’s always the former members of one true voice.
Tall One from G4: That smacks of desperation Louis.
Louis: Trust me it’ll be fine. We’ll cover the covers that Steve covers.
Tall one from G4: Super. Will we be number one by Christmas?
Rowetta: (Interrupting) I’m going to be number one at Christmas. I saw Simon signing something with my name on it. He said he’s going to put me where I belong. Simon knows I won’t let him down, he even said I was committed. What’s more he’s going to style me himself. I’ve got this jacket with arms that tie together at the back. How cool is that?
Simon: Hmmm, Rowetta, I think you and I need to have a little talk later.
(Rowetta starts to sob again. Everyone ignores her)
Jonathan: So Steve, did you really compare your girlfriend to a Volvo?
Steve: Yes. It could have been worse. I’m just grateful no one heard the bit about servicing, handling and load capacity.
Jonathan: When I’m a superstar, I’m going to have Ferraris, Aston Martins and a whole fleet of Rollers.
Steve: The only rollers you’ll need will be for you hair pretty boy
Jonathan: Oo get you!
(Simon sniffs the air and turns his nose up in disgust).
Simon: Can anyone smell anything?
Louis: Yes and it’s coming out of your mouth Simon.
Simon: Ewwwww, what on earth is that stuck to the bottom of my Cubans.
Sharon: Oh! Has anyone seen Mrs Trixi Woofit?
(Simon takes his shoes off to clean them)
Simon: (Muttering) Damn dog.
(Sharon notices Steve holding Mrs Trixi Woofit in a head lock)
Steve: Apologise for what you said about me or the pooch snuffs it.
Sharon: Mrs Trixi Woofit! Give her back to me now or I’ll set my husband on you.
Steve: Yeh, like I’m so scared.
Sharon: Ozzy. Ozzy. Get your lazy arse over here.
(Ozzy lumbers across to see what all the fuss is about)
Ozzy: **** *** ****** *** ** ******
Steve: But they still got away didn’t they?
Sharon: So you think you’re hard huh? If you don’t hand her over this instant, I’ll call Kelly and make her sing to you.
Steve: Okay, okay, have her back, anything but that.
(Steve hands back the whimpering pooch)
Sharon: There there my little diddums, Mummy’s precious baby. When I get you home we’ll lay on the bed together and I’ll stroke your tummy. You’d like that wouldn’t you?
Tabby: Oh yes.
Simon: Is he still here?
Sharon: Who said that?
Simon: Cooeee down here.
Sharon: Oh there you are.
Simon: I thought we’d got rid of the ‘Tabmeister’. Shouldn’t you be at home looking after your baby?
Tabby: 'e's not really me son. oi borrowed 'imself from central castin'. oi tart it wud make al' de mothers vote for me.
Simon: What did he say?
Kate: Search me.
Simon: My pleasure
Kate: Get your hands off me you filthy beast.
Eyebrows: Talking of beasts, do you think if I had a pet, it would show my sensitive caring side and make me more attractive to the ladies?
Sharon: Darling, how can I say this. It’s not the lack of a pet that’s the problem, it’s your umm… hairy appendage.
Jonathan: How did she know about that? Is there something you’re not telling me?
Eyebrows: But I’ve been plucking all day!
Ozzy ** ***** ****
Sharon: No dear, he said plucking.
(Kate extracts herself from Simon’s grasp and thrusts a microphone towards him)
Kate: So Simon, will you be offering G4 a recording contract?
Simon: What and risk competition to Il Divo. Do you think I’m mad?
Rowetta: Mad, did someone say mad? I’m mad me. Weeeeeeeeeeeeee.
Everyone: **** off Rowetta.
(Men in white coats appear and drag Rowetta away kicking and screaming)
Louis: This is all your fault Sharon. G4 were in with a chance if you’d kept your big mouth shut. Why did you do it?
Sharon: OK, OK I admit it. I lied to you all. I fancy the pants off Steve and by securing him those extra votes I ensured he owes me big time.
Steve: (Suspiciously) What do you mean ‘owe you’?
(Sharon makes a grab for Steve)
Sharon: Come here big boy and I’ll show you exactly what I mean.
(Steve runs screaming from the room and Tabby leaves in a huff)
Louis: Sharon how could you? We made a pact that we’d not let Simon win the competition at any cost.
Jonathan: Cost? Ha. Louis you poor deluded fool. That story about Steve was just a cover.
(Jonathan points at Sharon’s breasts)
Jonathan (Dramatically) What do you think’s holding those up – it sure isn’t gravity?
The rest of G4 in perfect harmony: Dum dum dum
Simon: Come on then. Show us what you’ve got Sharon.
(Jonathan and Sharon disappear under the table. Jonathan emerges with wads of fifty pound notes and Sharon emerges as an A cup.)
Fat one from G4: Wait a minute. How did you know about that Jonathan?
Jonathan: I too have been double crossing you. The moment our eyes met across the audition room, Sharon and I knew we were made for each other.
Eyebrows: But you said that about me Jonathan!
Jonathan: How could I have said that. It’s only recently I’ve been able to see your eyes.
Eyebrows: Oh you b****. I’m off
Fat One from G4: Wait for me
(The pair of them flounce out of the room)
Jonathan: Come on Sharon let’s leave these losers to it. You know that woman who won a piece of Simon’s lifestyle, I told her she’d have sleep with Simon before she could accept the prize. So you grab the keys to the Porsche. We’ve got a luxury holiday in Barbados waiting for us.
Simon (Genuinely bewildered) She said no to sleeping with me?
Jonathan. Oh she said yes all right but that was before I told her it was warts and all!
(Sharon and Jonathan leave hand in hand closely followed by Kate who is on her mobile making an urgent appointment with her gynaecologist)
Simon: Louis?
Louis: I’m sorry Simon, but you’ve become so distant and we hardly talk anymore. Our relationship isn’t what it used to be. Remember how you promised me faithfully that if I was horrible and nasty like you, I too would become a superstar. You lied to me. The public hate me. I wanted to get me own back so I told Jonathan about our uhh… little secret.
Louis: That does it. You’ll never work on X-factor again. I’m replacing you with someone who knows even less about music than you do.
(Simon disappears to make a call to Geri Halliwell. Louis and the Tall One from G4 make their way to the studios to start work on their single)
Afterword
That left me all alone surrounded by the remnants of the party. A poster of G4 swung loosely from a single drawing pin. Someone had torn out Eyebrows eyebrow and pasted it above Jonathan’s lip. A Steve poster was splattered with canapes where it had been used for target practice.
All was quiet until I heard someone coming towards me. This someone was singing in a voice so shrill that it was enough to make my ears bleed and dolphins die in agony.
“Tragedy. When the feeling's gone and you can't go on It's tragedy”
Robert Unwin entered beaming all over his face.”
“Hello Robert. What are you doing here?”
“You’ll never believe this Nox, but I’ve been with the production crew and they’ve wiped their hands of Cowell and co and want me to front a brand new show”
“That’s great Robert. What does it involve?”
“Chickens”
“You don’t say! What do you have to do?”
“Me and a couple of friends from Pickachick make a up a panel of judges and the chickens are brought in one by one to audition for us. We have to judge which is the best layer”
“Wow, sounds fantastic”
“Then the top ten go through to the final and the public vote for the one they like best”
“Sounds familiar. What’s it going to be called”
Robert made an oval sign in the air.
“The Eggs Factor”
Nox
http://www.survivor-online.co.uk/forums/showthread.php?t=846"
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