VoyForums
[ Show ]
Support VoyForums
[ Shrink ]
VoyForums Announcement: Programming and providing support for this service has been a labor of love since 1997. We are one of the few services online who values our users' privacy, and have never sold your information. We have even fought hard to defend your privacy in legal cases; however, we've done it with almost no financial support -- paying out of pocket to continue providing the service. Due to the issues imposed on us by advertisers, we also stopped hosting most ads on the forums many years ago. We hope you appreciate our efforts.

Show your support by donating any amount. (Note: We are still technically a for-profit company, so your contribution is not tax-deductible.) PayPal Acct: Feedback:

Donate to VoyForums (PayPal):

[ Login ] [ Contact Forum Admin ] [ Main index ] [ Post a new message ] [ Search | Check update time | Archives: 1, [2], 3, 4 ]

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Date Posted: 12:11:24 08/21/02 Wed
Author: A.P.
Subject: BFFL Scouting Report (note: only relevant to about 10 ppl)

**Note: for the morbidly curious, the BFFL is the Buffyverse Fantasy Football League, so if you're not playing in it, this may confuse you. But maybe it'll still be funny enough for you to follow along ... so enjoy!!



OK, voy ate my f--king post, so I have to do this whole thing over. Sigh.


I forgot the entire intro. I got really pissed off and took a shower. It was more or less rambling about how into fantasy football I can get once I get into it. I mentioned how Phaedra seduced me into joining the BFFL ... with yummy chocolate chip cookies, of course (what did you think she would have used?). So, I was doing a "scouting report" type article about all the BFFL teams and if it caught on I was going to do weekly recaps of the "games." Then I accidentally hit send and when I tried to cancel it my whole post was gone. That seriously f--king sucks hairy donkey balls. So I'm doing this one in Wordpad so I don't lose it, and hopefully I can remmeber all my jokes. Enjoy.......

SUNNDYDALE WHITE KNIGHTS

Team owner UHC has one motto for his team: offense, offense, offense! With 17 players on offense -- and the least depth in the defense in the entire BFFL -- the Knights will be running a Steve Spurrier "Fun N Gun" offense. Specifically, when they get near the goal line, they will pull a "Last Boy Scout" -- this is why they need so many offensive players, since the Knights will lose one for every time they run this play. UHC's defense will rely on the rowdy fans to throw beer bottles at the opposing team's offense.

HELLMOUTH SPIKE BABES

After gallavanting around the kingdom with her royal daddy's royal wallet, Princess Phaedra has landed herself a BFFL team. It has one strategy: throw early, throw often. With four competent quarterbacks and a deep WR and TE corps, the Babes will take their game to the air. The one downside, of course, is that the air is kind of smoggy and polluted, especially in the current summer heat and humidity, thus making it difficult for the receivers to find their passes, and also to breathe after they move five yards. However, team owner Phaedra knows how to motivate her boys: if the Babes win, she lets the game MVP have a peek at her breasts. Starting QB Jake "The Snake" Plummer commented, "...and they are magnificent." We hope to send a hidden camera to Phaedra's skybox after the Babes' first win... stay tuned.

THE MASTERS ARMY OF DARKNESS

Team owner Shawn drafted just like the Knights: defense? who needs defense? Alas, it seems the AOD had draft picks that were slightly lower on the ladder. They have a deeper roster of talent, but far fewer superstars than the Knights. When asked for comment, Shawn said that "this is just another conspiracy that reeks of all things Spuffy, and administered by the military industrial complex that wants to deny my team a championship and give Marti Noxon more revenue from the dwarf-owned, cocaine producing farms of eastern Wyoming."

SUNNYDALE BIG BADS

A very balanced team, the Big Bads all dyed their hair platinum blonde for the upcoming season. Comprised of players who think they're all that, like Kordell Stewart, the Big Bads are planning to rock the BFFL. Week 1 Alert: Sebastian Janikowski may miss the BBs' first start because nobody can figure out how to fit his name on the back of his jersey.

BOSTON WEREWOLVES

Sunnydale is sunny; Boston is cloudy. It almost never snows in Sunnydale; it almost always snows in Boston. Sunnydale has demons and vampires; Massachusetts has the Kennedys, the most rabid, frothing members of the Democratic Party, and the Big Dig. Taking a cue from the World Champion New England Patriots, the Wolves have stocked up on defensive players, and currently boast 10 of them on their roster, including monster defensive back Kwamie Lassiter, whose catchphrase in the latest controversial Intel commercials ("Pentium is my savior. I'm a big fat geek and if you don't like it I will knock your f--king teeth out"), is currently the subject of debate in the U.S. Senate.

THE SPUFFY KILLERS

Inspired by the life story of Ozmandyus and his band of Spuffy Slayers, T.C.'s Killers are all about one thing: touchdowns. Edgerrin James, Isaac Bruce, Corey Dillion, and Keyshawn Johnson will all lead the charge -- for a while, anyway, until Keyshawn says someone should give him the damn ball, and then James gets mad pokes him in the eye like in the Three Stooges, and then Bruce and Dillon get into a girly slap and tickle fight. Watch out for monster safety Lawyer Milloy, who, after tackling his opponents, sues them for damages.

XANDER'S XFL

With funds covertly funneled from TC's checking account, Monica21 acquired herself a team of past and future superstars and handed it over to football fan and new General Manager Xander Harris. Quarterback Peyton "Pickles" Manning and self-nicknamed tight end Tony "the Tigger" Gonzalez will lead the way. However, the team may be distracted by veteran wide receiver / sideshow freak Terry Glenn, who reported to training camp in a pink tutu. When reached for comment, Glenn said, "that's just how Bill Parcells made me practice and I sort of got used to it. Except for the tights, it breathes really well in the summer."

ENGLISH WATCHERS

Don't let their tea and crumpets after practice fool you -- these are a tough bunch. Why, just the other day, kicker John Carney booted quarterback Daunte Culpepper's stuffed Curious George doll 53 yards through the uprights while practicing field goals. Carney commented, "That damn monkey was looking at me all funny and creeping me out, but. I sure showed him and everyone else how tough us kickers can really be!!"

WOLFRAM & HART APOCALYPSE

The one corporate-owned team in the BFFL, the Apocalypse organization hasn't missed a beat. After a mediocre draft, they released a whole bunch of injured, holdout, retiring, whiny cry-baby players and got themselves some proven veterans and rookies who were hungry for more, such as tight end Jeremey Shockey, who eats 18 pancakes a day for each and every meal. "I wish I could just drink batter from a vat or something," said Shockey. Managed by the elusive and mysterious man known only as AP, the Apocalypse has one plan: run, run, run the ball. With five superstar running backs, this should be no problem. "We're going to run the ball and if anyone gets in our way our backs will rip their heads off and carry them into the end zone along with the ball! Suck on that!" commented Assistant GM Lilah Morgan. Also keep an eye out for their tough-as-nails kicker, who consistently makes 40-plus-yard field goals ... in the playoffs ... in a blizzard. The one negative for the Apocalypse is the number of demon gamblers they have to make happy on the over/under line, but with the corporate resources at their disposal, this should not be a factor.

KALAMAZOO MONK KEYS

Another team that relies on defense to get it done, but with the help of several superstars on the offense. However, if one of those stars goes down, the Keys may have trouble finding an adequate replacement. It is rumored that the Keys have a secret plan to create a 15 year old girl from glowing green energy, who could then lead the team to a championship. Experts call this theory ridiculous, but they said that about the mullet, too. Oh, wait, bad example. Nonetheless, the Keys look forward to an excellent season, as soon as that damn hellgod stops slaughtering all the management personnel.


Anyway ... good luck to all the fantasy friends!! It's going to be a fun season!! :)

[ Next Thread | Previous Thread | Next Message | Previous Message ]

Replies:

[> A.P. THIS WAS FUCKING BRILLIANT!!!!! LMAO!!!!! -- Phaedra, 12:40:32 08/21/02 Wed [1]

I think even non-sport fans *coughGlorycough* will get a chuckle or too. LMAO at Plummer's comment (however, MY MOTHER WAS READING OVER MY SHOULDER!!! Thank you very much A.P. ... good thing I'm too old to spank;-)

This was fun, enjoyable reading, and I would like to see more. It will make the season's competition fun!! We'll have to see how it catches on:-) It *IS* BTVS related, loosely speaking :-)


[ Edit | View ]

[> That was to damn funny, lol!!!!!!!!!!!! I hope to see more of this soon, AP!! -- Ozmandayus, 15:33:10 08/21/02 Wed [1]


[ Edit | View ]
[> :-( I don't have a team! how do i get a team? *cries* -- Rachel, 18:35:29 08/21/02 Wed [1]


[ Edit | View ]
[> [> This is American football, Rach! -- A.P., 08:26:01 08/22/02 Thu [1]

The league is full -- but even if you did join -- I don't think you'd have known what was going on (it requires near-constant attention to the American sports landscape).

You will still get the news here!! :)


[ Edit | View ]


[ Contact Forum Admin ]

Forum timezone: GMT-6
VF Version: 3.00b, ConfDB:
Before posting please read our privacy policy.
VoyForums(tm) is a Free Service from Voyager Info-Systems.
Copyright © 1998-2019 Voyager Info-Systems. All Rights Reserved.