| Subject: Tidak dipeduli! |
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Tertekan
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Date Posted: 07:47:00 04/04/04 Sun
Salam Alaikum semua...
Saya harap silalah tolong berikan input anda. Sebenarnya masalah saya ni sudah berlanjutan dalam masa yang sangat panjang. Ianya berkaitan dengan kedua ibu-bapa saya...
Saya ada 3 orang adik-beradik dan mereka semuanya lelaki. Saya adalah anak kedua dari empat beradik. Saya kini berusia 22tahun. Masalah saya begini. Saya rasakan ibubapa saya berat sebelah. Saya perlu bekerja keras untuk mendapatkan sesuatu dari mereka, sedangkan adik adik lelaki saya fail periksa pun ibubapa saya dengan sukacitanya membelikan mereka komputer yang sangat canggih (saya minta parents saya beli komputer beberapa tahun lalu kerena pada waktu itu saya belajar grafik design jadi setiap masa memerlukan mengguna komputer. Parents kata mahallah, itulah inilah dan suruh saya gunaa laptop office ayah saya. Itupun susah jugak sebab saya tak boleh load up pirate software yg perlu saya gunakan untuk kerja saya sebab against the law for office computers to use such softwares. A couple of years later saya give up studies sebab serba serbi keperluan tidak cukup. Bukan saja masalah komputer, masalah barangan lain juga. Bila saya minta parents belikan art things, ibu ungkit dan kata,"Apalah kamu ni ha? Kami beli barang mahal2 untuk kamu. Apa nak jadi?" Sedangkan mereka sendiri kata kalau perlukan barang cakapla. Lagipun barang yang saya perlu tu untuk kerja bukannya untuk sesaja macam mekap ke, perfume ke [saya tak beli barang2 tu- yelah nak beli dengan apa?] By the way, mak saya yang paksa saya masuk kolej "x" tu. She deny it in front of my Dad making me look like as if I'm a liar. Tapi wallah Allah tau, saya ada menyuarakan hasrat untuk belajar bahasa arab atau belajar di negeri arab (subjek islam dan bahasa arab) atau english literature tapi mak saya jerit terpekik dalam kereta kata,"You follow what I say!! All you know is to waste my money!!" Saya cerita kat ayah saya tentang hal ni tapi ayah saya just "brush me aside" and be on my mum's side dan saya rasa macam orang gila masa tu... Yelah saya tak pernah menipu, tup tup orang deny what I say so saya pelikla... Saya ni kena halunasi ke?? Habis yang mak saya terpekik ugut saya masa ayah saya takde tu apa... Ke dalam kereta tu bukan mak saya tapi perempuan lain yang rupa dia macam mak saya ke apa... Cubala kalau anda yang penuh rasa simpati, cuba selami perasaan saya ketika tu. Pelik rasa. Rasa macam saya ni penipu pulak sedangkan haram demi Allah saya tiada cakap yang lain melainkan benar. Jadi saya rasa masa tu mungkin saya gila???!). Now, my two younger brothers are in high school. They want a computer to play games. And guess what? Ayah saya dah pun belikan Playstation untuk depa. Dengan sayugianya ayah saya belikan computer canggih untuk depa sedangkan kalau ikut standard yang dikenakan ke atas saya, depa tak layak terima hadiah semahal tu. Kenapa? Their studies are TERRIBLE, all they do is play and plus, they dont really need a computer for their schoolwork!! And yes my Dad even bought them a joystick and tons of game cds for them to play. Dan saya yang masa tu perlukan komputer UNTUK BELAJAR di tolak mentah mentah malah dituduh suka habiskan duit mereka!! Astarghfirlahalazheem... Bukan saja terguris malah terkoyak hati ni... Adik adik saya pulak tak hormatkan saya. Saya terpaksa "beg" them to use the pc for my work. Bila lambat depa berang, kata depa nak guna to play games. Kekadang tu sampai lewat malam saya guna komputer sebab banyak kerja, ayah marah saya kenapa guna komputer kat bilik depa sampai malam? They want to sleep. Kesian adik adik let them sleep. Padahal bila saya habis guna they use the pc to play games till late in the wee hours of early morning. Itulah yang parents saya pedulikan, my BROTHERS. As for their daughter... uhhh, does she even EXIST??
Another thing saya mintak handphone sebab studies saya pada masa tu memerlukan constant contact with friends, people and lecturers. So what did my mum say,"You kerja bagus bagus pastu get your own things". Sedih rasa hati tapi apa boleh buat... My parents gave my big brother a handphone and when i query them how come he get one and not me, my mum kata dia duduk jauh (terengganu) so biarla. But the thing is, he do not need one. What I mean is, his studies do not require him to have a handphone. All his friends and lecturers are near him, with him, etc. Macam saya punya studies (grafik design + art) is something like journalism or masscom. So imagine the importance of communication and keeping in touch with people! Sigh... Then after long (a few years after that), my Mum bought a handphone for my adik yang still sekolah tu. Before that she express her concern over my adik, "We need to buy him handphone... Risaula saya..."(Koz adik saya ni suka merayap jadi the handphone can be an easy agent detector). So just bekoz of that, adik saya yang belajar teruk dan masih pelajar sekolah saja tu, dapat handphone. Handphone original (bukan yang beli kat toke cina tu) its original NOKIA3330 handphone (From original NOKIA store yang macam Dr.Mobile kat KLCC tuh). Then after that, he lost his phone. Did my parents marah? No way why should they?? The very next day my parents pergi Bukit Bintang and bought my adik an even canggih handphone, a NOKIA 3315! And yes, original one...
Kalau saya hilang barang camtu, tobat mak saya ngumpat saya 24 jam... Astarghfirlah...
Another thing saya mintak driving license. Mak saya kata apa? driving license? Dont waste my money!! Sedih saya. Cousins saya yang perempuan yang baya saya and younger than me semuanya dah ada license malah ada kereta sendiri. And they always tease me,"Bila nak ambik lesen?" Setiap kali soalan tu diajukan, saya rasa mata saya berair.. Bukan saja cousins, aunties and uncles pun perli... Pastu mak saya pulak boleh cakap,"Hmm... entahla dia ni..." Pastu bila depa tanya so siapa yang hantar you ke sana sini? My parents jawab,"We all lah siapa lagi" Pastu depa kata,"Hai manjanya dah besar besar pun nak harap parents!" Astarghfirlah sedih sedih... Kalaula depa tau apa mak saya cakap bila saya nak ambik lesen... Tapi kang kalau cerita mak saya deny pastu again I will feel like as if I'm a madwoman, being possessed or something!
So what I did was, saya kata kat ayah saya nak tinggal kat rumah nenek masa cuti (kat Johor) dengan alasan nak belajar masak. Sebenarnya saya nak pergi situ dengan harapan nenek akan tolong saya capai hasrat saya mendapat lesen kereta. So after so much hesitation, ayah pun setujulah. Kat JOhor, seperti biasa saya diperli. "Bila nak ambik lesen? Takkan nak harap parents je? Orang lain semua dah dapat lesen" Memula tu saya senyap pastu saya kata,"Saya dah cakap kat mak tapi she sed forget it I'm wasting her money" (masa saya cerita bergenang airmata... Sebak rasa.. Allah je lah yang tau...) Pastu aunty saya defendla mak saya,"La... Takkanla... Mesti depa nak awak pandai driving". Saya puas defend kata kata saya until in the end aunty saya kata,"Oklah. I ask my daughter to contact Pak Mat (a driving school teacher) and arrange your lessons soon ok?" Sedih rasa bila makcik saya cakap macamtu. Rasa terharu dan sebak tak tau nak kata. Nenek pun banyak membantu. Satu hari tu, saya telefon parents kat KL. (They dont bother to call). Dengan excitednya saya cerita kat ayah saya tentang driving lessons saya. And he was ok about it. Saya tanya ayah saya, boleh tak hantar duit... My dad kata apa?"Alah pinjam dulula dengan nenek. Nanti you bayar sendirila dengan your part-time money". Sebak rasa di dada. Saya memang kerje part time masa tu. Dan saya memang kata kat ayah saya boleh bayar sikit dengan duit part time tu. Tapi saya tak sangka ayah ambik serius kata2 tu. Saya cuma cakap macam tu sebab saya nak sangat ambik license. So saya work part time and sikit pun duit tu saya tak boleh guna- just for duit lesen which is suppose to be supported by my parents since I am their amanah! Sedih dan sebak tak tau nak kata. Pulak tu suruh pinjam dari nenek... RM700+ bukannye sikit... Rasa terhina sangat bila minta duit kat nenek... Macam peminta sedekah rasanye... Sedih sedih... Pastu saya cakap pulak dengan ibu saya,"Mummy, tomorrow is my test day! Wish me luck!:)" and what did she said,"Yeh rite! Make sure you pass it! All you do is waste my money!!" And thats the end of the conversation... Sedih dan pilu rasa hati...
Lepas tu nenek saya panggil saya. Dia kata sambil tangan tuanya mengambil duit dari purse tua yang sangat kecil, "Ambillah duit ni.. Guna untuk bayar kelas lesen tu..." Sebak rasanya dan terharu saya... Semoga Allah mencucuri rahmat ke atas arwah nenek saya (meninggal tahun lepas..)
To cut the story short, saya lulus driving test tu but so what? Nobody cares! And sampai sekarang saya tak drive koz my mum just dont have faith in me. Lebih baik saya tak reti drive seumur hidu daripada kereta dia rosak in case saya accident! sedih rasa hati... Abang dan adik saya pun pernah rosakkan kereta dia... Tapi tak apa... saya? Tak saya tak pernah rosakkan kereta dia...
Now a couple of years after all that has past, dengan pertolongan seorang teman, saya cuba bersabar dengan sikap ibu saya. Banyak lagi perkara yang berlaku tapi in sha ALlah buat masa ni cukuplah dulu intro saya yang panjang tu.
Teman saya ni orang arab. Lelaki. Baik orangnya. Dia sangat ambil berat tentang saya. Pelik jugak rasanya. yelah pelik, mana ada orang pernah pedulikan tentang saya macam dia tu. Dia hormatkan saya dan sentiasa beri kata kata semangat. My studies went from normal almost a failure, to average almost excellent. I maintained 3 pointers daripada dulu below 2pointer and under probation! WHy? bekoz he always convince me that I am smart and intelligent. Parents on the contrary always convince me that I'm stupid. I told them the art lecturer who is well-known in Malaysia praised me in the Malaysian art gallery in front of many other students, saying he never meet a thought-provoking student like me before! I told this to my parents and brothers on the dinner table and what was their reaction?? They just laugh at me and make fun of me! Sedih dan sebak rasa hati... Since small my parents is generous in calling me "Stupid" or "Silly". When I get good marks, they never seem to acknowledge. I used to get 100/100 in math masa darjah enam. I told my Dad but he was too busy to take note. After a while I told him that again and he was like,"Ye ke? Tak tau pun" And pernah dapat first in class masa standard six. Again the reaction is the same. NO matter what I was always stupid in their eyes. Kadang kadang rasa I ni macam a curse in their lives... Sigh...
And my Mum told me I'm fat and ugly (kalah orang yang dah beranak- was what she said) and my elder brother always tell me i look horrible too (which was funny given the fact that guys were sending me gifts and secret admirers letters!). So I was always convinced that I am stupid, ugly, good-for-nothing beast; I mean human.
So bila this arab guy kata I ni cantik, pandai etc I got a shock of my life! Susah nak adjust to such statements! Yes I know some people may show their admiration to me implying that I'm pretty and all; tapi depa tak cakap straightforard macam this arab guy. I always tell him I'm ugly, stupid, etc etc... Tapi dia tetap bersabar and try to convince me otherwise... Alhamdulillah after a few years (Yes I knew him for quite sometime) my attitude change. My personality change. I told him about my Mum (I tried to discuss with people about my mum but the best advise they can give me is,"Sabar je la...") So he told me to be nice to my mum no matter what she did or say to me. Memang susahla nak buat. But I thought I'll just do it for his sake. Gradually I change. Memula I tak bantah cakap dia. Pastu I start to give her little attentions in my own way.
After a while my mum's relationship and I is strengthened. Dia baik dengan saya tapi her words and actions are still very hurtful. She hates this arab guy. Accusing him wanting me for my citizenship! Anyway enough about him already... Ni kisah saya bukan dia...
Now I have one thing which is bothering me... My bedroom. My mum arranges my bedroom. My bedroom is very small. Yet she took out my single bed and replace it with a big queen-sized bed. So I can barely move about in my small room! I protested and said why not put this bed somewhere else or sel it and she said,"You ni pentingkan diri sendiri!" (She always say that to me- tapi sekarang dah tak cakap dah alhamdulillah). Sebak rasa hati. Tentang saya ni pulak, saya tak boleh sentuh katil je mesti terlelap! Really all of us spend alot of our life in bedroom. So my bedroom is hardly a motivation for me! Ive already spend one month struggling NOT to sleep!! Apart from that, bawah katil saya tu dijadikan tempat to dump things: Baju2 lama, etc. Saya nak buang je baju tu atau bagi kat org, my mum refuse. Dah bertahun tahun baju yang berguni guni tu kat bawah katil saya. God Knows berapa banyak lipas kat dalam tu!
Now I am already too frustated/ I want to discuss with my parents about the bed but how?? As a girl, my bedroom is very important well-being for me. Nak buat kerje, study etc suma kat dalam bilik. Bila my bros friends datang, I stay in my room koz I tak show myself without hijab on. Nak keluar? I dont drive (Mak tak bagi). Nak suruh depa hantar? Nanti ungkit ungkit, tak pun busylah, etc etc. Nak naik taxi pergi keluar? Dulu selalu jugak buat... Tapi I dont have money! Duit ptptn diguna just for transports! Unlike my brothers, my parents dont give me money. Partly because I said tak payahlah... As a good gesture; but instead of appreciating me, they take advantage of me! Sigh... So anyway, thats why my bedroom is very important to me...
So boleh tak tolong saya... Macam mana nak diskas dengan parents saya pasal bilik saya ni... Kalau saya kata boleh tak rombak semula bilik saya dan tukar katil dan meja saya... Nanti mak kata saya pentingkan diri sendiri, tak shukur, etc kerjelah sendiri, etc... Saya tak mintak apa apa... sampai sekarang oun handphone saya orang yang beri... Komputer? Orang yang beri... Jadi sekarang saya mintak rombak bilik je tu je... Saya tak mintak kereta pun... (both parents working in private sectors). Orang lain parents cikgu je mak pun suri rumah je tapi sanggup tak beli barang kemas koz nak guna duit untuk anak dara pakai kancil second hand... Saya tak mintak semua tu cuma mintak pertimbangkan bilik saya je...
Tolonglah saya saya rasa tertekan dan saya cuba jadi anak yang solehah tapi makin saya baik, makin saya rasa diri saya ni dipijak pijak. Lagi satu masalah saya, saya sekarang kadang kadang boleh "meletup". So now I tend to avoid my parents. Sebab nak tahan marah. Sedih dan keliru rasanya... Jadi bagaimana untuk berbincang dengan parents saya? Saya risau tak pasal2 saya menjawab ke apa ke... Sebab dah lama sangat tertekan dan menahan perasaan...
Please help...
Yang benar,
Tertekan
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