Rush at Narcanon -- <font size = "4">The Drunks Bar </font size "4">

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Date Posted: 17:01:39 10/16/03 Thu
Author: SM78
Subject: Rush at Narcanon
In reply to: Eric 's message, "I am Rush Limbaugh, and I am a drug addict" on 19:14:15 10/10/03 Fri

Eric's very atmospheric piece imagined Rush at a Narcotics Anonymous meeting.

Narcanon, a Scientology front group, is based in Florida where Rush lives. Let us imagine Rush at a Narconon meeting where he is living in a group home.

"Take your seats NOW!!!" barks out Floyd, the facilitator.

"Goddammit, you fucking piece of shit junkies!!! I said NOW and if doesn't fucking happen NOW I will have the jail bus down here in ten fucking minutes!!!"

People scramble to their seats. Rush flops in the front row. "We have a new junkie, people!" Floyd yells. "Junkie, tell us your name," he orders as he points at Rush.

"Rush."

"Rush?"

"Yes"

"RUSH, YOU'RE A FUCKING ASSHOLE JUNKIE WHOSE LIFE DOESN'T WORK BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING LIAR WHO USED OTHER PEOPLE TO BUY DRUGS. YOU DIDN'T EVEN HAVE THE BALLS TO BUY THEM YOURSELF!!! NO! YOU HAD A WOMAN BUY THEM FOR YOU! A WOMAN!!! WHY DON'T YOU JUST WEAR PANTIES AND A BRA IF YOU'RE THAT BIG OF A WUSS!!!???"

"Now wait a minute," Rush protests, "I had a thirty million dollar a year radio career to protect and I..."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP JUNKIE!!! YOU WILL NOT TALK UNLESS I GODDAMN FUCKING SAY YOU CAN TALK!!! BREAK THE RULES AND YOU GO BACK TO PRISON! I OWN YOUR FUCKING ASS!!! I AM GOD AND YOU ARE A JUNKIE. GOT IT, RUSH? I AM YOUR GOD AND YOU ARE A JUNKIE. YOU ARE HERE BECAUSE THE STATE OF FLORIDA HAS GIVEN YOU ONE LAST CHANCE AND I AM THE GOD WHO SAYS WHETHER OR NOT YOU SLEEP IN THE GROUP HOME AT NIGHT OR IN PRISON WITH A BIG BLACK LIBERAL COCK IN ALL OF YOUR ORIFICES, GOT IT??"

"Yes."

"WHAT?"

"Yes sir."

"GREAT. NOW I WANT YOU TO TELL EVERYONE WHAT YOU DID T0 GET HERE."

"I took drugs."

"THE TRUTH!!!"

"I took prescription drugs that I purchased illegally."

"ILLEGALLY? THAT IS A FELONY!!! DO YOU HAVE SHIT FOR BRAINS?? WHAT KIND OF PERSON BUYS DRUGS ILLEGALLY?"

"I am an addict."

"ADDICT? BULLSHIT! YOU ARE A JUNKIE AND YOU WOULD'VE SUCKED DONKEY DICKS TO GET HIGH, AM I RIGHT?"

"No, because I had money, I could have..."

"OH FUCKING PLEEEEEZE! SUPPOSE THAT WHEN YOU REALLY WANTED DRUGS THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE WITH DRUGS. IF I HAD SAID YOU HAD TO SUCK MY DONKEY'S DICK TO GET HIGH, YOU WOULD HAVE SUCKED MY DONKEY'S DICK, THAT IS HOW DESPERATE YOU WERE. TALENT ON LOAN FROM GOD OR NOT, YOU WOULD HAVE DONE MY DONKEY, RIGHT?"

"I have my dignity!"

"YEAH RIGHT ASSHOLE. THAT'S WHY YOU BOUGHT 30,000 PAINKILLERS. THAT'S WHY YOU SENT YOUR HOUSEKEEPER, WILMA, TEN OR TWENTY E-MAILS A DAY TO FIND OUT WHEN SHE COULD 'RESTOCK' FOR YOU. YOU WOULD HAVE SUCKED A DONKEY'S DICK IF WILMA HAD TOLD YOU TO."

"Floyd, this is really in bad taste and I respectfully request that you..."

"SHUT THE FUCK UP JUNKIE!!! JUNKIES DON'T GET TO 'RESPECTFULLY REQUEST' ANYTHING AROUND HERE. WHAT JUNKIES GET TO DO IS TO OBEY MY ORDERS AND DO WHAT I SAY BECAUSE I AM GOD. NOW SAY IT RUSH!!!!"

"I will not. I want my attorney."

"OKAY. HAVE IT YOUR WAY, RUSH. YOU CAN LEAVE TONIGHT ON THE JAIL BUS AND TALK TO YOUR ATTORNEY ALL YOU WANT WHILE YOU'RE IN PRISON WITH THE REST OF THE JUNKIES WHO JUST DON'T FUCKING GET IT THAT THEY HAVE TO DO WHAT I SAY IF THEY WANT TO GET THE PIECE OF PAPER SIGNED BY ME THAT SAYS THEY CAN GO HOME. OKAY, SO FRED, GO AND PACK RUSH'S SHIT BECAUSE HE IS LEAVING IN TEN MINUTES FOR PRISON. AND CALL THE PRISON TO LET THEM KNOW TO GET A BUNK READY IN THE GENERAL POPULATION."

"No, please, wait!"

"WAIT? FOR WHAT? YOU DON'T LISTEN OR FOLLOW ORDERS AND I HAVE NO GODDAMN TIME FOR JUNKIES WHO DON'T LISTEN OR FOLLOW MY ORDERS. I HAVE PEOPLE HERE WHO WANT THEIR LIVES TO IMPROVE AND WE CAN'T WASTE TIME WITH YOU. YOU HAVE TOO MUCH ATTITUDE. A JUNKIE CAN NEVER HEAL UNTIL HE IS HUMBLED. SAY IT OR YOU'RE LEAVING NOW!"

"I would have sucked a donkey's dick to get high."

"SHOUT IT!!!"

"I WOULD HAVE SUCKED A DONKEY'S DICK TO GET HIGH!!!"

Rush begins to sob uncontrollably. Floyd hands him a box of Kleenex. After five minutes, Floyd asks, "So, Rush, what is going on with you right now?"

Rush sobs and says, "It's true. I would have sucked donkey dicks to get high. I am a horrible person. I lied to my twenty million listeners everyday for five years. I preached morality to my listeners. I argued that we had to respect and obey the law and yet I never did myself because I thought I was above the law. I was a junkie who committed a felony everytime I bought drugs. But you know what? At least I was never a liberal. At least I stayed true to my poltical principles; I was a conservative junkie!"

The people in the room, all junkies, look at each other in astonishment.

"FLUNK!!!" Floyd shouts.

Rush leaves in handcuffs on the jail bus ten minutes later, still a defiant, deluded junkie. In the bus with him is Bill Bennet who had been arrested earlier that night in a sweep of illegal Miami area gambling parlors.

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