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Date Posted: 21:39:23 07/07/02 Sun
Author: Jo Lallo
Author Host/IP: ool-435200f3.dyn.optonline.net / 67.82.0.243
Subject: Jo watches his back... (P.S. There's a space in the rp for a reason...)

The camera fades in on a desk completely piled with folders and papers. Jo stands up from behind the papers.

Jo: All right, so, uh, Raheem is back. He is, uh… not that fond of me. Now, not that I’m afraid. I could beat him any day of the week. Except maybe Thursday… and Sunday. Anyway, I could beat him at least three days of the week, and in any month with an R in it. What I’m really worried about is getting jumped. Not that he could hurt me. I am invincible, HA HA HA HA. I just don’t want to get choke slammed again. It’s annoying. THAT’S MY MOVE. YOU KANE LOOKING STUPID DUMB! STUPID DUMB-HEAD KLUTZOID NONG-NONG!

Jo pauses to regain his composure. He puts on a pair of half glasses.

Jo: I stole these from a librarian. Anyhoo, just as a precaution, I put a want ad in the paper for a bodyguard. Let us get started, shall we? Our first applicant is a Mister Dolf Lunginhosin or what ever, you know that kick boxer guy.

Kick Boxer Guy: I am German!

Jo: Well, that’s a start. What qualifications do you have to protect me from Raheem.

Kick Boxer: I kick him, in zee head.

Jo: Are you sure? He’s eight feet tall.

Kick Boxer: Got in Himmel!!

Kick boxer jumps out the window.

Jo: Y-y-y-yeah. Next.

A huge yellow skinned person walks in.

Jo: Okay, it says here that you are named McBain. That sounds familiar. What are your qualifications?

McBain: I also am German, and I have been in many movies. I am a world-class body builder, and also I can bench press you.

Jo: Well, that sounds wonderful, except that bench press thing sounds kind of fruity. I don’t swing that way mister. Anyway, you are animated. That poses a problem what with this being the real world and all. Plus, I’d have to pay Harry Shearer to follow you around and do your voice. That guy looks like a demented elf. Next.

A suave looking man walks up.

George Clooney: Hi there.

Jo: Hey, aren’t you that Daniel Ocean Guy.

George: No, that’s a character I played.

Jo: Oh, yeah. Wait, hey, you were Batman. He was cool I guess, except what with the tight rubber suit and fighting all of those glow in the dark guys, you were kind of gay too. Hey, It was practically a porno. Next!

Val Kilmer walks in.

Jo: Next!

Michael Keaton walks in.

Jo: NEXT!

Keaton: I’m Batman.

Jo: Yes, that’s nice. Next.

Michelle Pfeiffer, Danny Davito, Jim Carrey, Tommy Lee Jones, Jack Nicholson, Uma Thurman, Arnold Schwartzenegger, and the Guy who played Bain walk in.

Jo: Holy over-done gag Batman.

Heroic voice from off screen: Stop right there you felonious fiends.

Jo: Adam West! Holy Predictability!

West: That’s right old chum. Now stand back, this might get messy.

The elderly West begins throwing punches that miss by a mile and the slowest kicks imaginable. A pair of midgets run in. After each hit, a midget holds up a sign.

Bof!

Blam!

Sock! Pow!

Blammo!

Suddenly the room fills will purple ninjas.

Jo: Egad, the foot clan!

A familiar theme song begins to play.

Mike: Cowabunga!

Jo: All right this is getting ridiculous!

Jo cracks his knuckles and takes off his glasses. He wades into the chaos and reaches down and begins choke-slamming people.




45 minutes later....









Jo wipes the sweat from his brow. The ground is scattered with battered celebrities.

Jo: Well, I’ve had enough Batman villains and purple robot ninjas for one day. Who’s left?

A large creature in futuristic armor walks in.

Jo: It says here you are called the Predator. What have you got? A disc that cuts through anything, an auto targeting plasma gun, a spear gun. You know there’s no use shooting Raheem, it just makes him mad. Besides, you got your butt kicked by Danny Glover. DANNY GLOVER for crying out loud. Get out of my sight.

The predator walks dejectedly to the door. It turns back and whimpers like a puppy dog.

Jo: Get out of here! So who’s left…No one! Gees. What crop of losers. Hey, you!

One of the sign midgets turns.

Jo: Come here. You want a job?

Midget: Who, me? Not really, I’ve go-

Jo: Great. Just beat up Adam West and the job is yours.

Midget: He’s already beat up.

Jo: That’s fast work, soldier. You’re hired. You shall be called.......Burrito!

The scene fades to black.....

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