| Subject: My autobiography |
Author:
george bush
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Date Posted: 13:02:17 06/04/04 Fri
once uponce a time, i was born in the oil field while my dog millie licked her ass. she is of course the most intelligent one in the family. ma and pa were in connecticut, but it wasn't racially seperated enough, so we moved to texas. there we could be free to wear cowboy hats and call everyone "boy" while my dad bitched about ma looking more like his own grandmother everyday.
time went by, the drugs were really good back then, much more pure than they are today. of course the alcohol helped to supress the bad memories of having to live in a big house with 2 parents while dealing with the tragedy of being white in america. but enough about being an angry rich white boy, let's focus on the truth. i was all for it, cuz my daddy killed some famous guy named kennedy. kennedy, kadaffi, who the hell cares right? it's not like i can tell the difference. all i know is they are all bad guys and god loves me more than he loves you. my bible and my gun tell me so. amen.
well now we come to the part where i bought my test answers from some really smart guy named laura that i later married. boy is she easy one the eyes (if you are blind). college was great. i got to play with other people's skulls and bones, and kerry and i played doctor behind the bleachers after football games. life was swell.
then vietnam came. boy was those little chinese guys hard to find. especially behind the check out counter at the local stop and rob cuz i never went to any war. are you kidding, that's what money is for. i couldn't buy any witnesses while i flew those planes. apparently they were not happy with me avoiding fighting for my country. something about integrity. those damn commie soldiers.
so then i decided to kick the fun stuff and really go straight collar. tight lipped republican sex shows are where it is at. no one is kinkier than a bunch of christian white men with money. i wasn't smart enough to actually fight anything, so again the money helps. plus my dad will bomb you if you don't like me.
then in texas, we had this clever woman who was governor. i really hate smart women. she should be cooking and cleaning with the rest of them. plus she was funny, and as you know my family was born with no sense of humor. so she had to die. but momma convinced me to buy that instead of whacking her. we scared all the stupid little texas men into thinking that the gays were invading their homes and stealing their wives. those good ol' boys will believe anything if you are a member of the nra. together we stormed the texas capital and took over the schools, which are now so poor even the rich kids are looking for handouts.
i decided texas was too small for a guy like me with no personality. so i moved into the big house. oops the white house. same thing. it is the biggest home for criminals this side of the english channel. we get 200 channels on t.v. now. i have all of my favorite friends there, but daddy says we had to have a colon cuz the women like a little color in the bedroom. i don't have to do much, just take pics, sharpen my pencil now and then and act like myself. no one seems to care that i am goofy, stupid and that my suits look like they were tailored from the 50's. i just do whatever rumsfeld says cuz if i don't, he'll try to kill me with the pretzels again. cheney is cool too, but i think he is whodini. i can't find him except when he goes to the hospital. he has lots of rich white friends like me and we get along great. he likes to use the militay to help them become richer. dad says that if you didn't do that with the soldiers, they won't appreciate the great pay and benefits after his wars.
life is good. i get paid to do good stuff for my fellow truck driving, stump pulling cowboys. god bless me, god bless my bank account, god bless the american justice system so when i finally get caught stealing the american's money in my oil adventures, i will get pardoned by my daddy like my brother did.
bobbi
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