Subject:  I am sad, fighting the urges |
Author:
Heather
|
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
Date Posted: 23:09:05 12/10/06 Sun
Hi everyone. I couldn't sleep so I thought I would come and write my thoughts.
I broke down today. I miss Spencer so much. Everyday i want to call him, write, him, anything just to see how he is doing. But I haven't and I won't. He sent child support last month and then last weekend I got a letter in the mail for our son from him. He gets paid again soon, we will see if he sends the money again. And if he doesn't, owell, I am doing just fine. I am just hurting right now. This will be the first Christmas without him. He didn't live here last year but he was here for Christmas. And the year before that he was here but was in rehab and was only clean for 7 days so that was a hectic day cause I amde him leave or something happened to where he took off. Anyways, I haven't cried much but today I was putting my kids' new beds together and it hit me, he should be sober and well and here helping me with this. He should be here for everything. I have this urge to call him everytime the kids have a school performance or lose a tooth. I have no one else to share all these memories with and that is hurting me so bad. Our son did his first school Christmas performance and he did so good. He was so happy up there. He knew all the words and he practiced so hard. I am so proud of him. I took a bunch of pictures and he was so happy that I was there.
This man has missed so many of our son's firsts because of his addiction. Part of me hates him ,part of me loves him and part of me feels indifferent.
Bernie is still enabling him but I am sure he does not see it nor is it really my business, but I can't help my feelings. I still pray for him and I hope he is doing good, he was supposed to be in out patient rehab for a month and then twice a week for another month or something like that. But something tells me that he is only doing it to keep Bernie happy and shut him up so he doesn't lose everything that has been handed to him. I feel this way because I have seen my cousin work so hard to get his life back.
This weekend he moved his family in to there own apartment. I know he is scared because he is sole provider, but he is doing great. One year clean and is taking care of his family. But then again he did that since his first month clean. It's what he wanted to do so he went for it and accomplished it. I know it can be done and I realize what I should see if Spencer ever decided to do the right thing. I keep thinking maybe it's me, maybe he never really loved me. But then I look at our little boy, and I can't see how he can do the same exact thing to our little boy. I know he loves our little boy deep down so he must love me too but his addiction is too much for him ...........I still believe it is a choice, but how hard is that choice? I don't know cause I don't remember back 17 years when I used. I only used for 4 months and I was forced to quit and never went back and I don't even remember how long it took for the urges to go away. Anyways.I still don't understand why he has made these choices. I do believe that what I am doing, TOUGH LOVE, might work one day. I will not have anything to do with him and he knows that. He can send letters, but I will not read them to my boy. I tried that, it's just as if my son saw him. It brings him back emotionally. But if he is seriously clean and living a different life, I told him he can take me back to court and we can go from there with no fight, just legal representation to help us through it. I told him that I didn't want to hear from him until it was papers being served to me. He has kept his word so far and hasn't called.
I think he is still using, in fact I am pretty sure. Any man that would let his son go is crazy.
Thanks for listening.
Comments and advice welcome always.
Love, Heather
[
Next Thread |
Previous Thread |
Next Message |
Previous Message
]
| |
Feedback: 